Last night's episode focused on pubescent contestants instead of babies. The awkwardness of one contestant was hard to watch, particularly because it was in stark contrast to the polished girls in her age group.

Last night was the Chitlin Strut beauty pageant, which, as one coordinator pointed out, was created "to bring us together to celebrate chitlins. A chitlin is a three yard-long small intestine of a hog."

The thing is, after a few weeks of watching kids who can't wipe their own butts wear false lashes and body glitter, I felt disappointed at how homespun this pageant was. It wasn't nearly "glitz" enough for my tastes, and it was held in a gymnasium instead of a conference center of an airport hotel. The didn't even raise the basketball net.

There was a disconnected stove in the dressing room. That is decidedly not fashion or function.


I know that I point out the ridiculousness of child beauty pageants, but reducing the trashiness didn't make it any more respectable. It just made it boring.

Not all trashiness was lost, though. Case in point: Clear heels.


This is Madison.

Her mother critiqued how her 11-year-old daughter was walking in her heels, saying, "First of all you don't want to look like a working girl, and you don't want to look like you don't know what you're walking in." Ironically, the only thing that made Madison look like a "working girl" was the fact that she was wearing clear heels, because "working girls" are the only women who wear them, apart from strippers and Linda and Brooke Hogan.


Madison's mom made her vacuum in her clear heels to get her acclimated to them.

Madison won the Chitlin Strut the previous year - by default. (She was the only girl in her age category.) This time around, she would have to compete against three other girls.


My heart kind of ached for her. First of all, her mom talked about how she's "larger." This was obvious when she was placed on stage next to the other girls, but it must've sucked to hear your mom say that about you, considering current society, and on television no less.

She's on the verge of pubing, which is typically a painfully awkward time. Having to parade around on stage with girls a year younger who haven't entered that period yet must've been soul crushing.


And this prolonged camera angle filming Madison's reaction as she came in last place, was particularly harsh.

Madison's mom was so upset that she cried. She said that it was a shame, because Madison has so much personality. But it's like, lady, if you didn't want people to judge your daughter based on her looks, then don't enter her into a fucking beauty pageant.


Her mom said that they would most definitely be entering more beauty pageants.

If that's true, as Madison ages, she going to have to compete with powerhouses like 10-year-old Aubrey [pictured right], who swept her and Madison's age category. It looked like they were stuffing dollars down her dress, she had so many sashes. She, too, was in clear heels.


The other contestant that this episode followed was 7-year-old Allie. But she was boring.

Her grandmother, however, was the best part of this whole episode.


She literally lives for this shit.