TLC and Robyn Turned Down '…Baby One More Time,' Which Was Perfectly Innocent, by the Way

Sometimes, when I want to watch the history of pop culture unfold from the days of tying up the landline to this bunghole we have here, I take a trip down the Wayback Machine to a destination which I think best captures the most innocent to misogynistic hours of the Internet, BritneySpears dot com. In 1999, Britney lived in a KidPics webhouse; by 2004 she launched her first fragrance and Lynn’s cookbook (ancient sponcon!); in 2007 she was slathered in oil on a pin-up poster (the year of “Leave Britney Alone”); a jerry-rigged bloggy mess in 2009 (the year she obtained a restraining order against her manager); Britney was taking nude men for a walk on leashes in 2010; and somehow she’d settled back into a good place (Vegas) by 2015.

Anyway, according to the Guardian’s “…Baby One More Time” tribute piece in honor of its upcoming 20th anniversary, this timeline may never have been; they report that the song was first offered to TLC, but the domestic violence overtone was a non-starter for T-Boz, who says, “Was I going to say ‘Hit me baby one more time’? Hell no!” Apparently Swedish songwriter Max Martin–who Pied Piper-ed horny teens the world over with songs for Backstreet Boys, N’Sync, and Katy Perry–thought “hit me” was English for “call me.” Ohhhhhh.

Britney describes the song as being about “the stress we go through as teens” (aw), and the schoolgirl setting was her idea (aw). And Robyn was offered this but refused, so now we have “Call Your Girlfriend” and Kevin Federline, whether you like it or not.

But we also have Britney’s Instagram, the Internet’s Happy Place, and I wouldn’t give it up for the world.

Nope, never really thought about it.

• Paris Jackson has a very nice singing voice. [TMZ]
• It’s Sunday, the day British tabloids reserve for Meghan Markle’s dad’s incessant bids for attention; indulge if you wish. [The Sun, The Sun, Daily Mail]
• Better: Doria Ragland, who seems to be her sole remaining relative with the decency not to hitch her wagon to this stupid gravy train, is rumored to be moving to England. [Harper’s Bazaar]
• Idris Elba is joking about James Bond rumors. This is serious, Idris!!! [Twitter, Twitter]
• Kourtney is reportedly single again and only sees Scott “as a friend,” which has been pretty obvious since season four. [TMZ]