With the 2016 Presidential election only a short 73 years away, things are really heating up in the world of politics! Here are the top ten most powerful power moments in the week of August somethingth to 21st, 2015.
10. When Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Max Headroom, Jeb Bush, Bobby Jindal, the entire Ghostwriter team including the original Gaby, Rick Perry, that Muppet who plays the saxophone in Dr. Teeth’s band, and Ted Cruz gathered for some kind of nightmare celebration of the thing they love most in the world, Koch.
Serious question: if the Koch brothers are so rich, then why can’t they afford to change their last name to something that lends itself less easily to both dick and cocaine jokes? We don’t even have to try. Koch sucking. A kick in the Koch. Koch heads (that one works as both).
Anyway, there’s a big, Koch-shaped teat that squirts money and the boring parts of the GOP field are running to suck on it, like the titty boy on the chair on that cover of Time magazine. The conference is called “Defending the American Dream,” and I’d steal and sell a stranger’s baby to avoid going. Which is why I’d be a bad President, and why I’m also a bad person.
In much the same way that the book of Genesis is un-Biblical and the Backstreet Boys don’t really want it that way, GOP frontrunner and grimacing Cheeto fart Donald Trump astutely pointed out this week that the 14th Amendment to the Constitution (which gives birthright citizenship to babies born on American soil) might be... unconstitutional. (Gif unrelated, but: remember when Donald Trump freaked out about Obama’s birth certificate and Obama produced it and then like two days later we killed bin Ladin?)
8. When a homeless Mexican man got beaten up by two Boston rednecks and they cited Donald Trump as their inspiration.
Two brothers named Scott and Steve, whipped into a scotty, stevey froth by Trump’s dumb ideas, took their rage out on a homeless Mexican man who was sleeping.
The brothers urinated on the 58-year-old man, punched him and beat him with a metal pole while he slept near a train station, and one of them said afterward that Trump was right about deporting “all these illegals,” police said.
Donald Trump, who implied during his campaign announcement speech that Mexican immigrants were “rapists,” has denounced the attack. One of the brothers was previously in legal trouble for a racially-based attack on a Moroccan man.
Hillary Clinton is having some problems with her email. Maybe she sent classified information through her personal email address on a private server, maybe she didn’t. If she did, that is very bad. Very, very, very bad. But, nonetheless: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Twitter went nuts! What a fun thing.
To answer your next question (Erin, are you going to ride Deez Nuts all the way to the White House?): Absolutely. Deez Nuts will stand for America. Don’t tread on Deez Nuts.
All of the excitable and emotional bros in the Merrill Lynch Chicago office where I used to work are probably very sad about this. They will express their sadness in much the same way they express their happiness or ennui: getting fucked up at the bar downstairs, saying vaguely creepy things to the youngest woman who works in the office, and stumbling home to their wife and children, who have dog names instead of people names, like Hunter and Dakota and Jax.
4. When the majority of Republicans surveyed said they think Donald Trump will win the GOP nomination. Wait, what?
3. When you remind yourself that Republican voters are the same people who put George W. Bush in office, fucking twice, and basically handed Congress to a group of lip-strumming idiots, including a large animal veteran named Yoho who had never held office before, and who believe in angels but not evolution. They really don’t have the best record of foresight, do they? Not a gleaming record of being on the right side of history? Right?
2. Like, Donald Trump can’t possibly be coasting to the Republican nomination. There’s no way. This is just the news media whipping people into a froth over something that makes their August less boring for them.
1. He’d be an utterly terrible president, and his ideas are all bad. Is this a 4chan prank? Have we ruled out Nathan For You, the best show on Comedy Central? If so, hats off to those marvelous trolls. But if not: holy shit. Imagine Donald Trump having a meeting with Vladimir Putin. Imagine seeing him get punched in the face on live television during a peace summit. Imagine us getting into 75 wars during the inauguration ball. Imagine having a dead-eyed model as our First Lady.
That’s it. I’m moving to Koch land.
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