Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers confronts the entropic decay seeping out of this week’s tabloids! Our simulation has glitched and nothing matters anymore! I can see the lines of code running down the walls!

Let’s dive in.

Image: In Touch Magazine

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In Touch:

I love when the tabloids teach me life lessons! This week, it’s the rather elementary fact that nothing ever lasts and someday, your alleged boyfriend will leave you mid-pregnancy for Charlize Theron! Gripping. I think we’re all bored of the allegations surrounding hydration spokeswoman Jennifer Aniston and Brad “Sometimes I Shave My Head Because I’m A Cool LA Dad” Pitt. What fascinated me more were the conclusions In Touch reached on Charlize’s similarity to Angelina Jolie.

  • They both adopted kids!
  • They both have luxe perfume deals!
  • They both played Disney villains!

Nothing turns a man on like a Luxe Perfume Deal! And a Disney Cheque? That temptress! More importantly, the question on everybody’s mind is: Where in the world is Wendy Williams? Can you hear the sounds of the gays in the street? Who among us will save them? They’re weeping, gnashing teeth, and crying out for their meme empress! Who among us will give them comfort? The water cooler is silent and the group chats are dead. Who among us will rise up against Dark Lord Jerry O’Connell as he seizes her throne? Fingers crossed! (And I’ll be watching this in the meantime.)

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Anyways. Retired Harajuku Girl Gwen Stefani wore something better than Lyme disease advocate Bella Hadid. My nemesis, Jimmy Kimmel, also spilled Barbra Streisand’s business to new dad Andy Cohen. According to the talk show host, the legendary EGOT winner asked to switch sides and he refused. Misogyny wins again! In Touch also pivots to investigative quiz reporting and announces that 56% of the United States could care less that Jackson “Bradley Cooper” Maine was snubbed at the Oscars.

  • Alleged pop star Bebe Rexha claims designers refuse to dress a size 6.
  • Joe Giudice was named Loser Of The Week as he faces rumors that Teresa “It’s Ju-Dice” Giudice will not moving to Italy after his deportation in March. In this moment, I’m praying for their children and Melania’s blossoming pop career.
  • J.Lo is addicted to bad boys. She never clarifies if A.Rod classified as one too.
  • A former Bachelor Somebody allegedly wants a reality show.
Image: Ok! Magazine

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Ok!:

Eyelinder addict Gwen Stefani and somebody named Blake Shelton are allegedly having a baby! What genuinely shocked me the most, however, is that she spends a part of her life at a ranch in Oklahoma! And this is no shade! If the Sooner State is good enough for The Real Housewives of New Jersey, it’s good enough for me! As previously reported, Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Angelina Germanotta is in love with her body and extremely rich! A source also spills Melissa McCarthy’s “Tips For Moms Raising Strong Girls”: Take them shopping at discount stores like Target so they can “learn the value of money!” I’m mostly shocked that anyone would claim that Target is a “discount” store. Have you seen the price of their milk and dorm room furniture these days? Rounding out the parenting tips, tequila baron George Clooney has a wish for his children: “I want them to be interested in things.” Isn’t the miracle of life amazing?

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In other news, Robin Thicke is pleading with the public that he’s a “whole new man” and Zac Efron is a vegan, apparently? Yolanda Hadid took to Instagram to declare herself “Botox Free,” swearing off “the chemical stuff.” According to sources at Ok!, the former Housewife loves non-surgical facelifts and acupuncture more than ever! I’m also forced to look at a photo of Kristen Doute and Katie Maloney holding a bottle of their wine, “Witches of WeHo.” According to spies, the mean girls at Sur are scared to death of fish allergy victim Bethenny Frankel and are refusing to ask her for advice. I think Bethenny has more to fear from Kristen Doute than the other way around, but to each their own! There’s also allegations that international creep Scott Disick and former 17 year old Sofia Richie are close to getting engaged! According to Ok!, “Kourtney Kardashian refused to marry Scott so many times, but she’s happy to help his new (20 year old) girlfriend!” Someone call the police!

What’d I miss?

  • Chaos merchant James Corden loves getting hugs from Hillsong salesman Chris Pratt.
  • Marvelous Mrs. Rachel Brosnahan uses her toilet as a shelf for her trophies.
  • John Mayer’s fashion advice? “Don’t let it hurt your feelings.”
  • Like HR representatives and suburban prom dates, Emily Blunt loves Sam Edelman.

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Life & Style:

While this is clearly a Serious Cover With An Extremely Shocking Revelation, Reese Witherspoon looks incredible here! Interestingly enough, this was a special issue put out days after their regularly scheduled February 11th Life & Style. What warranted such breaking coverage, you might ask?

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  • Reese Witherspoon is successful and rich, two things that OBVIOUSLY spell divorce for any married woman.
  • She’s allegedly jealous of Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman’s marriage. Maybe it was the sex therapy gift cards?
  • According to “spies”, her relationship with CAA talent agent Jim Toth has yet to recover from her infamous 2013 arrest, where she informed a state trooper “You’re about to find out who I am!”

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Everybody is making choices all the time! We’re also told Megyn “Blackface Is Totally Chill” Kelly is begging to be back on TV! Don’t forget that after a year spent bullying national treasure Jane Fonda and clapping for racism, the escaped Gremlin still left the network with a $30 million severance package. Rot in hell! There’s one last cover story on Goop’s step-mom skills, but what stuck out to me most was a throwaway sentence on the “household staff” walking around the Jade Snake Egg Oil Saleswoman. Eat the rich!

Moving on, let’s get to the good stuff! Everyone’s wearing yellow taffeta and Fabletics baroness Kate Hudson compares her children to guinea pigs (that she is NOT RAISING GENDERLESS!) And have you heard the “sources” claiming Rami “No, I definitely did not know Bryan Singer was an alleged pedophile” Malek has been tapped to play Michael Jackson? I smell a fake-out, but what a terrible career choice that would be! Even more chaotic are the rumors that West Covina spokeswoman Scheana Marie Shay is moving to Las Vegas to jumpstart an alleged Vanderpump Rules spinoff. There is genuinely nothing in this world I’ve ever wanted more! Let’s hold hands and pray. What else?

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  • One of the Duggars is pregnant.
  • Kristen Bell thinks The Good Place fan Dax Shepard is “sassy.”
  • Chloe Grace Moretz is obviously an Aquarius.
  • A source claims there’s a feud brewing between Twitter user Chrissy Teigen and Mariah No Middle Name Carey after the elusive chanteuse was hours late to her taping of The Show Ripping Off Rupaul’s Drag Race. Rooting for you, Mother Lamb!

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Image: Us Weekly Magazine

Us Weekly:

Before ripping into celebrities I’m locked in love-hate relationships with, I’d like to begin our final lap with a moment of silence for Chef Fatima Ali. She lost her battle with cancer at age 29 on January 25th, 2019. Her beautiful essay, “I’m a Chef With Terminal Cancer. This Is What I’m Doing with the Time I Have Left”, can be read here.

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In light of that, I’ll keep this next bit breezy.

  • Victoria “I think we all sing” Justice was seen wearing it better.
  • Like the rest of us, Regina King is in love with Sam Elliott’s mustache.
  • Channing Tatum wants recent sneakerhead Jonah Hill to choke him.
  • Hailey Bieber wore a fur coat to the beach.
  • Don’t forget that Kelly Clarkson is pivoting to daytime talk show host.
  • Us Weekly is obsessed with photographs of Meghan Markle touching her stomach.
  • RuPaul, Drew Barrymore, and James Corden are hosting a competition show?
  • Laura Dern stepped out in a Rajneeshee red frock.

And just like that, it’s over. Enjoy this week’s collage!