Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we walk up to the magazine rack, notice that all the tabloids—Star, Life & Style, In Touch, and OK!—have a Brangelina story on the cover, grab one of each, and proudly place them on the counter like Matilda checking out another stack of books at the library.
This week, after the tabloids were too late to the story last week, Brad’s to blame, Angie’s to blame, Brad’s to blame, and Angie’s to blame.
The Headline: BRAD’S TWISTED DOUBLE LIFE
The Claim: Brad Pitt isn’t the “perfect guy” that he appears to be, and his “hidden dark side” (i.e., his allegedly excessive drug and alcohol use) is what made Angie pull the plug on their marriage. He’s reportedly been “high in front of” his kids a number of times, and often “hides vodka in a water bottle.”
The Sources: Here’s where it goes from gasp “This is so dark!” to laughs “Oh my god I love Life & Style’s brilliant caption writers!!” A picture of Brad drinking beer at what looks like a formal event that, based on his hair, was taken somewhere between 1999 and 2004, is captioned, “Brad has become more of a party animal. He drinks everything from wine to beer to vodka.” On the next page, a still from True Romance is captioned, “Brad convincingly played a stoner in 1993's True Romance, and an insider says he spent much of his real life high as well.” He was fantastic in Moneyball but I don’t see anyone claiming his double life involves secretly managing an MLB team!
- Blake and Gwen are getting married again.
- Queen Elizabeth II banned Kate Middleton from attending her sister Pippa’s wedding. Because William “is so terrified of his grandmother, [so] what she says goes.”
- Taylor Swift wants to make Prince Harry her next fake ex-boyfriend. Said a source, “He loves Taylor’s songs, plus Taylor is his type: blonde and fun!”
- Wear hearts.
- Wear wine hues.
- Wear dusters with jeans.
- Wear tunics.
- Dye your hair platinum blonde.
- DON’T WEAR LAVENDER LIPS IF YOU HAVE OLIVE SKIN.
The Headline: HEARTBROKEN ANGELINA: WHY I HAD TO SAVE MY CHILDREN
The Claim: Angie “finally called it quits after struggling with Brad’s substance abuse, temper, and rumored infidelity.”
The Sources: His “longtime penchant for pot” pissed Angie off, especially because he “completely checked out from her and the kids” when stoned. The say this was exacerbated when she DEMANDED he stop being friends with George Clooney (ok), Quentin Tarantino (um), and Jonah Hill (WHAT?) after “too many late nights.” Losing friends allegedly “made drink and drugs his only escape.” Sources also claim Angie found several photos of “everyone from flight attendants to biker babes to Hollywood ingenues” on his phone, and that led to a “blowout fight.” In other words, they’re saying exactly what the Life & Style sources did, only without the “DOUBLE LIFE” language, because it doesn’t look like he did any of these things in secret.
- Selena Gomez’s stepfather wants to get her “under a legal conservatorship,” a la Britney Spears and her father.
- Adele might do a Vegas residency.
- Katy Perry is flirting with John Mayer again...
- Julie Bowen’s marriage is “in crisis.”
- What the hell is Julie Bowen doing in the tabloids?
- Renee Zellweger might be moving to Texas because it’s where her boyfriend is from. And that means I might be moving back!
The Headline: BRAD: ANGIE’S LYING
The Claim: Angie is the one with the temper, and he has the injuries to prove it!
The Sources: A “friend of Brad’s” said Angelina’s claims that Brad was a cheating husband and “unfit father” were “nothing short of character assassination.” They continued, “It’s absolutely outrageous—especially since, in my opinion, it’s Brad who’s been living with a ticking time bomb of a partner all these years.” Other insiders called Angie “calculating and super vindictive,” and call Brad “one of the best dads in Hollywood.” OK, now I’m getting suspicious. Who gave Star these quotes, Brad’s lawyer? Or, wait, I think I know exactly who supplied these quotes. Read this:
“It’s not just his buddies who’ve seen less of Brad since he married Angie,” the source claims. “I don’t think she gets along particularly well with his mom, Jane—in fact, I think she’s way closer to his first wife, Jen Aniston! So that’s impacted how much time Brad has spent around his family.”
This is the tabloid equivalent of your mother texting your old friend and asking how you’re doing because she hasn’t heard from you in a while. Brad. Pitt’s. Mother. Is. The. Source.
- Justin Bieber might start fucking Pamela Anderson soon.
- Rob Lowe can’t deal with playing a doctor on TV and regularly comes close to fainting on the set of Code Black.
- Kim Zolciak had an affair with a 47-year-old “married cop” when she was 17?
- Julie Bowen again?!
The Headline: WIFE FROM HELL
The Claim: Angie is a WIFE FROM HELL.
The Sources: Of all four tabloids, I believe In Touch gave the Brangie story the most real estate: 11 pages. They claim to have “world exclusive details,” but much of it is just a retread of everything we “learned” in Star. Their version of their plane fight story is almost like everyone else’s, apart from the detail that afterwards, a “seriously drunk” Brad “got out of the plane, peed on the side of a building, and then got into a co-worker’s truck.” (Co-worker? Do they mean...Angelina?) Additionally, there’s a darkly funny inset labeled “INSIDE THEIR HOUSE OF HORRORS” that chronicles the wild antics that went on in Château Miraval, the home in France where they had their wedding. Here’s my favorite story from “a source close to the staff”:
“Angie encourages the kids to express themselves and doesn’t think swearing is a problem. She’s always gotten a kick out of hearing the littlest ones repeat salty dialogue from R-rated movies. They can all swear in four languages.”
OK, so it’s not about their divorce. But at least it’s a good story, and something new. I’m not sure how much more I can read this he-said/she-said trash. Just give me more of Angelina’s foreign language teaching techniques.
- A new book that I must read claims Scientology “was involved in facilitating the relationship [between Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise], sabotaging the relationship, and killing off the relationship.”
- Mila and Ashton are having a boy, and I bet exactly three of you care.
- Amal Clooney’s gonna start IVF.
- A former Million Dollar Matchmaker contestant claims Patti Stanger is a “nightmare” as though she expects our eyebrows to raise.
- Billy Bush had a “meltdown” at LAX “after the town car he hired failed to pick him up.”