In this week’s Midweek Madness, Angelina Jolie is a PR mastermind who filed for divorce too late in the week for the tabloids to cover the story so instead we’re focusing on the made-up breakups of Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux and Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. Call up Laura Wasser, dear readers—it’s time we divorce ourselves from an honest discourse about the celebrity PR machine!
In a cover story that’s close to the actual news of the week and yet still so very far away, JEN & JUSTIN SPILT AFTER HE’S CAUGHT WITH HIS EX. No, not having sex with her. He was just having a harmless lil phone call about leather jackets and messenger bags and it made Jennifer lose her freakin’ mind. “Justin ‘will still consult [ex Heidi Bivens]’—who influenced his urban biker look as they both established their Hollywood careers— ‘because he considers her his style guru.’” NOT ON JEN’S WATCH, PAL! You’ll dress in linen pants and yoga t-shirts and you will like it!
Elsewhere in the mag, Sean Lennon had to cut down a tree that was growing into his neighbor’s property and the judge quoted the Beatles’ “Strawberry Fields Forever” in her decision. You might not have a tree anymore Sean, but you still got plenty of shade! Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton can’t decide if they want to continue their fake relationship in LA or at Blake’s ranch in Oklahoma, but that’s okay because they’re rich and can live in two places if they feel like it. In wedding news, the Kardashians are threatening to ruin Rob and Chyna’s ceremony— “Kylie ‘doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid because she fears Chyna will deliberately make her wear a cheap frumpy dress.’” God, I hope that’s true.
A lot of celebrity women who’ve gotten cosmetic procedures now regret it, though you can barely tell because their faces no longer move. In more touching news (because some of us can still feel through our Botox), former friends Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez are rekindling their friendship now that Selena has fallen on tough times. All the best to them!
Yes, it’s true! Jennifer Aniston is having a baby girl which is almost the opposite of getting a divorce! Brad Pitt—still in a happy marriage according to OK!—even sent her a $3,500 crib and flowers. Aw!
Some interesting thoughts to open the article:
Ever since she was dumped by Brad Pitt when she was 36—almost precisely the age at which a woman’s fertility is thought (wrongly) to fall off a cliff—Jennifer Aniston’s womb has been the subject of public interest.
Because YOU made it the subject of public interest, OK! We’re not as dumb as you think we are!
Want to hear something spooOOoooOOoky? Tom Cruise’s house in Telluride is haunted (fig 1.1)—and not just with alien ghosts of Scientology. Apparently, the actor has “decked it out with every amenity you can think of,” but still can’t sell it. Also, “a buyer came in recently and swore the place felt like death.” Don’t worry, buyer. You’re just picking up on the broken spirits of Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman.
There’s a pic of John Mayer showing off his moisturizing routine, but it really looks like he’s getting a different kind of facial (fig 1.2). Chris Hemsworth and wife Elsa Pataky don’t like their potential future sister-in-law Miley Cyrus because she swears too much. Chris and Elsa sound like fucking squares. OK! also has an exposé on sponsored celebrity Instagram posts, which is curious for a magazine that regularly features spon-con. They’re also counting down the worst celebrity breakups of all time and guess what? According to OK!, cheating on your wife (Tiger Woods) is worse that allegedly hitting her (Johnny Depp). Cool!
The Duggar children are quitting the family’s new TV show because of a “new scandal” and—whoops, I tuned out from there, so you’ll have to go buy Life & Style for yourself if you’re looking to find out more.
Two tabloids, this one included, have stories about Eva Mendes warning Emma Stone to stay away from Ryan Gosling, which will be kind of hard considering that they’re promoting a movie together. Kim Kardashian is “thinking of getting a small tattoo, a simple line drawing of her profile on the back of her neck,” but Kanye is reportedly being controlling and saying NO. Too bad because that tattoo sounds hilarious.
Miley Cyrus “slammed” Mariah Carey and Britney Spears, saying, “I’ve never really been a fan [of Mariah] because it’s so much about Mariah...What I make isn’t about me. It’s about sharing my story; it’s about someone being connected to what I’m saying.” That’s the same thing as making music about you, babe! Meanwhile, she worries that Britney doesn’t want to make music anymore, which don’t we all?
Just when your soul was starting to heal itself over In Touch’s Jen and Justin news, another pair of Hollywood sweethearts are about to rip it apart again. “Tom [Hank]’s 28-year marriage to Rita Wilson—which has been plagued by rumors of strife for the last two years—is on such shaky ground it may be beyond rescue.” (Does this mean they won’t co-produce My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3?!) According to Star, tension is increasing as the pair disagrees on how to treat their troubled son, Chet Haze, with Rita wanting to help him and Tom wanting to wash his hands of the whole thing. Too bad Chet stains don’t come out. Just ask...my heart. In addition to arguing over their adult children, Tom and Rita have also struggled to get back on track since her double mastectomy in March 2015. And here’s the winning sentence of the article:
Battling cancer can test even the most solid of marriages and while some survive—like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie...
Speaking of bad sentences, this one from an article about Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez, is absolutely disgusting and I can’t believe an editor was okay with it:
Sadly, the actress, who watched her own father beat her mother “day after day after day,” is no stranger to hotheaded hunks.
Hey Star! Fuck you!
Elsewhere in the mag Dennis Quaid and his new girlfriend are mutual home wreckers, having destroyed each other’s existing relationships. Justin Bieber and his (now ex) girlfriend Sofia Richie are “separated at birth” because they both have neck tattoos and wear hoodies (please note that neither tattoos nor hoodies are things you are born with) (fig 2.1). Bradley Cooper is falling for Lady Gaga on the set of A Star Is Born and the winner of America’s Got Talent likes Katy Perry AND Taylor Swift. RIVETING!
This cat looks nothing like Cara Delevigne.