In this week’s Midweek Madness, Angelina Jolie is a PR mastermind who filed for divorce too late in the week for the tabloids to cover the story so instead we’re focusing on the made-up breakups of Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux and Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. Call up Laura Wasser, dear readers—it’s time we divorce ourselves from an honest discourse about the celebrity PR machine!
In Touch
In a cover story that’s close to the actual news of the week and yet still so very far away, JEN & JUSTIN SPILT AFTER HE’S CAUGHT WITH HIS EX. No, not having sex with her. He was just having a harmless lil phone call about leather jackets and messenger bags and it made Jennifer lose her freakin’ mind. “Justin ‘will still consult [ex Heidi Bivens]’—who influenced his urban biker look as they both established their Hollywood careers— ‘because he considers her his style guru.’” NOT ON JEN’S WATCH, PAL! You’ll dress in linen pants and yoga t-shirts and you will like it!
Elsewhere in the mag, Sean Lennon had to cut down a tree that was growing into his neighbor’s property and the judge quoted the Beatles’ “Strawberry Fields Forever” in her decision. You might not have a tree anymore Sean, but you still got plenty of shade! Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton can’t decide if they want to continue their fake relationship in LA or at Blake’s ranch in Oklahoma, but that’s okay because they’re rich and can live in two places if they feel like it. In wedding news, the Kardashians are threatening to ruin Rob and Chyna’s ceremony— “Kylie ‘doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid because she fears Chyna will deliberately make her wear a cheap frumpy dress.’” God, I hope that’s true.
A lot of celebrity women who’ve gotten cosmetic procedures now regret it, though you can barely tell because their faces no longer move. In more touching news (because some of us can still feel through our Botox), former friends Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez are rekindling their friendship now that Selena has fallen on tough times. All the best to them!
OK!
Yes, it’s true! Jennifer Aniston is having a baby girl which is almost the opposite of getting a divorce! Brad Pitt—still in a happy marriage according to OK!—even sent her a $3,500 crib and flowers. Aw!
Some interesting thoughts to open the article:
Ever since she was dumped by Brad Pitt when she was 36—almost precisely the age at which a woman’s fertility is thought (wrongly) to fall off a cliff—Jennifer Aniston’s womb has been the subject of public interest.
Because YOU made it the subject of public interest, OK! We’re not as dumb as you think we are!
Want to hear something spooOOoooOOoky? Tom Cruise’s house in Telluride is haunted (fig 1.1)—and not just with alien ghosts of Scientology. Apparently, the actor has “decked it out with every amenity you can think of,” but still can’t sell it. Also, “a buyer came in recently and swore the place felt like death.” Don’t worry, buyer. You’re just picking up on the broken spirits of Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman.
There’s a pic of John Mayer showing off his moisturizing routine, but it really looks like he’s getting a different kind of facial (fig 1.2). Chris Hemsworth and wife Elsa Pataky don’t like their potential future sister-in-law Miley Cyrus because she swears too much. Chris and Elsa sound like fucking squares. OK! also has an exposé on sponsored celebrity Instagram posts, which is curious for a magazine that regularly features spon-con. They’re also counting down the worst celebrity breakups of all time and guess what? According to OK!, cheating on your wife (Tiger Woods) is worse that allegedly hitting her (Johnny Depp). Cool!