This Week In Tabloids: Tom's Daughter Hates Katie, Is Moving In With Nic
CelebritiesToday in Midweek Madness, celebs feel the sting of having an ungrateful child: Tom Cruise’s daughter hates him, Mel Gibson turned his kids into drug addicts, and Sarah Palin isn’t speaking to Bristol… because Alaskans don’t own cell phones.
OK!
HOW I LOST 10 LBS FAST!
Imagine you’re at a party and run into an acquaintance whose name you can’t quite remember. For the next 45 minutes, she prattles on about how yoga has changed her life and encourages you to try these new protein shakes she’s “addicted” to. Now you know what it’s like to read a six-page cover story about the Bachelorette getting even thinner. Let’s excuse ourselves to check in with our old friend Lindsay Lohan. Sources say that during her brief stay at Robert Shapiro’s sober living facility, Linds “experienced grueling withdrawal from prescription drugs.” She felt sick and “got very dizzy and could barely stand,” but now it’s “No more Adderall, no more Vicodin, no more stuff like that. Only a low, low dosage of antidepressants — which she legitimately needs to function — and a low-level anxiety pill that will help her cope.” Next: Inspired by Kristen Stewart playing a stripper in Welcome to the Rileys, an OK! scribe has composed some Twilight erotica: “She admits to friends she feels super sexy when she gyrates to the music and struts around,” claims a source. “Rob already thought Kris was the sexiest woman in the world, but the first time she offered him a lap dance, he couldn’t believe his luck.” In other news, Kendra Wilkinson’s baby is now seven months old and growing less marketable by the day, so she’s started selling the tabloids stories about her currently non-existent second kid. She hopes to get pregnant at some point in the next year and will name the baby Jaden. Finally, can you match these stars to their mostly-hideous tattoos? (Image 7)
Grade: F (Sharper than getting a prison tattoo of a serpent’s tooth.)
Life & Style
WHY SANDRA IS TAKING JESSE BACK
This article presents no actual evidence that Sandra Bullock and Jesse James have reunited. However, “Her heart is open to him again,” according to an “insider” — probably Sandy’s liver. In other poorly-reported news, the “exclusive” on Alicia Keys’ upcoming wedding is a two paragraph story in which a source claims they’ll get married in Europe this summer with Jay-Z and Beyonce in attendance. Life & Style confirms what we already know: Jennifer Aniston is not, repeat not, dating Chris Gartin. “They had dinner once but haven’t really spoken since then. It was one and done.” It’s costing taxpayers 16,000 a month to lock Lindsay Lohan away for three months, but she stands to make more than $500,000 on her stint in jail. In addition to interviews she’ll do during and after her incarceration, she spent her last few hours of freedom Tweeting product endorsements for $2,500 to $3,000 a pop and showing up to stores to get paid for posing with various products. Next: Mel Gibson’s wife Robyn claims he never abused her, but a source says she’s just trying to get more money from their divorce settlement in exchange for her silence. “What she put up with for the last 10 years was often sheer hell. He’d go on alcohol-fueled rages, and she’d be terrified — not only for her own life but for the lives of her children.” The source adds that Robyn blames Mel for getting “at least two” of their kids addicted to drugs. Moving on: The mag reports that when Jake Pavelka said, “Please stop interrupting me,” on the Bachelor reunion, “the brute force of the words sent Vienna racing through the studio doors in a flood of tears that probably washed away Jake’s long-held dreams of stardom too.” Lastly, RHONY‘s Bethenny Frankel says she hasn’t decided if she wants to have a second child, but she better decide fast; The mag notes she’s 39 and, “her biological clock continues to tick” … even though she just gave birth three months ago.
Grade: D- (A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon The Bachelor, then is heard from no more. )