This Week In Tabloids: Tom Cruise Is Leaving Scientology, Xenu Is Mad

After reading the 7,348,222th report about Scott Disick cheating on her with another woman, Kourtney decided that 7,348,222 strikes means Scott’s out! She kicked Scott out of the house for the 7,348,222th time in her life and has hired a “team of lawyers… to fight for full custody of their children.” And if Kourtney has her way, Scott will never. See. His kids. Again. Or until tomorrow. Yeah, he’ll probably see them tomorrow. Sources say Kourtney has “zero trust in him” and that “nannies and a PI are always following close behind when he’s out with the kids and Kourt isn’t there.” She will regain that trust by the time you’ve moved on to inTouch.

Miley Cyrus is gettin’ hitched to a woman! She’s currently engaged to a Victoria’s Secret model named Stella Maxwell, and the two “want to make a huge statement with an over-the-top wedding in the fall.” I love it. The couple has “been dating since they met on Instagram right before the singer’s split from Patrick Schwarzenegger in April.” Oh my god I love it! Also, “if Miley has her way, her and Stella’s nuptials will be the wedding of the decade.” Please excuse me while I dance to Nu Shooz for the next four minutes. I can’t wait for literally every part of this wedding. I’m already hyperventilating imagining the save the dates.

Kate Middleton’s voicemail has been hacked! Well, it was hacked a while ago—from February 2005 to August 2006—”when Kate and William were seniors at the University of St. Andrews.” This is all part of the big News of the World scandal, for which an editor is currently on trial. In June, a prosecutor “announced that hackers at the paper had targeted [Kate’s] voicemail a whopping 493 times, and Prince William’s 104 times.” And now Kate is suddenly mortified that the 10-year-old tapes will somehow be released to the public. Uh-oh! She’s trying to enjoy being a mother to George and Charlotte, but is too busy being “stressed over the tapes and the damage they could do.” Sources say “Kate was in the position to know multiple secrets about Prince Harry’s wild behavior” and “if the tape gets out, she’d be mortified.” But honestly, who cares about Harry? I wanna know all the rude stuff she and Willy were saying about the Queen.

And Also:

• Nick Cannon haaaaaaaates Mariah’s new boyfriend, That Billionaire.
• Kaitlyn Bristowe is understandably miserable.
• Kylie Jenner is obsessed with plastic surgery even though she’s 17.
• Justin Bieber is obsessed with bargain shopping even though he’s worth $200M.
• Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden won’t stop giving Nicole Richie and Joel Madden marriage advice.
• If you don’t carry a mini bag this season you’re a complete waste of space.
• If I don’t see a chunky chain on your neck before August, I’ll curse your pets.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D- (More boring than 96% of the voicemails Kate Middleton left Prince William.)

inTouch

DUGGARS FACING LAWSUIT NIGHTMARE:

EXPLOSIVE SHOWDOWN WITH VICTIM IN COURT

InTouch has more exclusive documents from this Duggar nightmare, but I don’t feel like devoting too much time to it. So here are the bullet points:

• Local cops were paid $25 an hour to “provide security at the Duggar family home,” which may be a conflict of interest.

• “Duggar PR rep Chad Gallagher” ate lunch with the “chief legal counsel for the Arkansas DHS.”

• The Duggars will “not be able to invoke their 5th Amendment right against self-incrimination” during the upcoming civil case.

OK. Moving on.

Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith are GETTING DIVORCED after 17 years of marriage. This is another InTouch Exclusive, so it must be true. So Jada was recently seen NOT wearing her wedding ring—that’s one. Will has been “hanging with a different girl every night”—that’s two. “It’s also been 91 days since Will and Jada have seen each other”—that’s three. Yep. Those three reasons are all you need to know Will and Jada are nearly through, for those reasons exclusively. Those are the only ones! There are no additional reasons. Am I laying this on too thick or should I keep going? OK, I’ll keep going. Will is a womanizer and Jada has had it. That’s why they’re divorcing. Thank you for the exclusive, InTouch.

Earlier we established that Kylie Jenner is addicted to plastic surgery, but she’s not the only one in her family! Or is she? OK, she probably is, and this masterpiece of doublespeak was a delight to read. The headline is “KIM JUST CAN’T HELP HERSELF! PLASTIC SURGERY WHILE PREGNANT?” and it suggests, then takes back all kinds of plastic surgery allegations. First, it says she’s had Botox in her forehead, but then says Botox is “not approved for use in pregnant or lactating women.” Later, it says she has a precedent for altering her looks while pregnant and cites the “vampire facial” in which her own blood is injected into her face. But wait, that’s not plastic surgery! One doctor says “it looks like she’s had lip fillers,” but the picture he’s referencing isn’t dated. Somewhere in the middle of the piece you’ll find this line: “Her reps insist she hasn’t—and won’t have—plastic surgery while pregnant.” OK! Cool. They filled two pages! Congrats, InTouch!

And Also:

• Eva Longoria says the secret to her good skin is “definitely happiness.”
• Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are still at war and I really hope I don’t get drafted.
• Kaitlyn Bristowe feels “used,” has just realized what reality TV is all about.
• Cristiano Ronaldo probably works out.
• Queen Elizabeth loves robots.
• Holly Madison: “I’m not afraid of Hef anymore.” (P.S. a very good interview with her went up today.)
• Taraji P. Henson asked the producers of Empire for a raise AND THEY SAID NO.
• Everyone’s bags shrunk, perhaps overnight:

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D- (More boring than interviewing Eva Longoria about skincare.)

Star

TOM LEAVING SCIENTOLOGY! “I’M DOING THIS FOR SURI”

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Could it be true? Tom Cruise is actually leaving Scientology? Star says so, and they’re as reliable as L. Ron Hubbard. Sources say “Tom has finally had enough” and that he “may soon part ways with the cultlike religion.” Hehehehe, cultlike. That’s cute, Star. Anyway, he’s sick of how the religion has destroyed his marriages (all three of ‘em!) and doesn’t want it to ruin “his relationship with Suri, too.” The source continued, “When she speaks to him on the phone, it’s becoming more and more like she’s talking to a stranger. Tom hates that.” Imagine Tom calling and being like, “Hey Suri, it’s daddy!” and Suri saying, “Who? Mr. Klein?” It’s funny, but it’s also very sad. You know what else is sad? That Tom will have to hire plenty of lawyers just to leave a religion. “He knows things are going to get ugly,” says the source, who has probably seen Going Clear at least twice. Imagine if David Miscavige uploaded his entire Scientology file to Scribd! All our heads would explode like the hydrogen bombs that were lowered into volcanos to destroy the aliens 75 million years ago.

OK, this is my favorite item of the week. So, when you get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, you’re also given a little plaque you can hang up at your home or office or mom’s house or whatever to commemorate the event. Well, get this: Halle Berry allegedly threw hers in the garbage after finding out just about any celebrity can purchase a star on the walk of fame if they pay the Chamber of Commerce $30,000. A maintenance man was fixing something at her house when he saw it IN HER TRASH. A source says, “Halle feels the Walk of Fame has been cheapened, and she doesn’t want to be associated with it anymore… She’s being a real diva about it and told her friends it is completely meaningless.”

And Also:

• Jennifer Lawrence is leaving Chris Martin because he’s in love with Kylie Minogue now.
• Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting gives Ryan Sweeting an allowance and probably a couple clementines for his afternoon snack.
• Joe Manganiello wants kids. Sofia Vergara does not. Here we go again.
• Ed Sheeran and Selena Gomez may or may not love each other like a love song.
• Hillary Swank got drunk in a club and yelled at her boyfriend Laurent Fleury about god knows what.
• Everyone is worried about Lamar Odom.
• No one is worried about Patrick Schwarzenegger.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D+ (As boring as dating Hillary Swank.)

Appendix:

Fig. 1 – InTouch

Fig. 2 – InTouch

Fig. 3 – Star