It's Wednesday, so this must be Midweek Madness, in which Callie Beusman hits the newsstand for the latest issues of Us, In Touch, Life & Style, Star and Ok!. Together, we rustle through the rough and durable fabric of celebrity gossip. This week, Miley Cyrus and her weed-leaf-print socks sat in the lap of a mystery man wearing wingtips; Jennifer Lopez and her Bentley acted like divas; and Kim Kardashian and her body are too sexy too soon for a new mother. Ready to be revolted?
"SECRET KARDASHIAN SISTER!"
The tabloid goddess has blessed us on this morn: we are treated to a ridiculous rumor about a "SECRET KARDASHIAN SISTER," a British young woman named Emilia C. Morales, who "LOOKS JUST LIKE KIM" (she does not look just like Kim). (Fig 1) As evidence, Ok! discerningly points out that both Emilia and the Kardashians have dark eyes, by which logic the Kardashians are also related to Kim Jung Un and the horse from Warhorse. Coincidentally, Emilia was in a failed reality show that needed a celebrity connection to stay afloat. Weird, right? Elsewhere in the mag, the editors are surprisingly less sensational: when discussing the tell-all autobiography Angelina Jolie's reportedly been offered $50M to write, they quote a source who states that Angie "would never have broken up another person's marriage… When she and Brad started to get close, he told her his marriage was over, which it was." Huh. In other news, Enrique Iglesias and Anna Kournikova have broken up after 12 years together, in case you were wondering. Moving on: the magazine plays Instagram detective in order to find out whose lap Miley Cyrus was sitting upon when she snapped a photo of their intertwined-ish feet. (Fig 2) Surprisingly (again!), they determine that it's someone from "her inner circle" (MIKE WILL MADE IT WOULD NEVER WEAR WINGTIPS), which means that the mystery man was just a friend.
Grade: F (a replica of Justin Timberlake in his denim suit, made entirely out of denim)
Life & Style
"ACT LIKE A MOM ALREADY!"
Wow, here we go. New mom-shaming for sale. Allegedly, according to a "friend," Kourtney is "appalled" that Kim went to Paris, leaving behind her 3-month-old daughter. This "friend" says that when Kourtney's kids were babies (um, one of them still is, right?) she "refused to leave them for anything longer than a couple of hours." Meanwhile, Kim "secretly" hit NYC, Paris and London, where she attended fashion shows and did a photo shoot and "missed the anniversary of her dad's death," so, you know, BURN THE WITCH. Also inside: Miley Cyrus has been texting Theo Wenner, who shot her Rolling Stone cover and happens to be the son of Rolling Stone founder Jann Wenner. Since it's safe to assume that a magazine editor did not steal Miley's phone while she was mid-text, we have to accept the fact that someone was responsible for actually recreating the scenario, fake texting a fake contact for a fake picture. (Fig. 3) NeNe Leakes got her "best body ever" by cutting pasta, potatoes and potato chips from her diet. Revolutionary! Finally, if your idea of fun is analyzing all the lines and shapes and pores of Jennifer Aniston's face, today is your day: The mag compares a picture from when Jen was in her 20s to one taken recently and a cosmetic dermatologist "who has not treated the star" weighs in on where all the filler has been injected. Quality way to spend time, doc. (Fig. 4)
Grade: D- (a roof built of denim scraps that fails to keep the rain out)
Honestly, we refused to read this story once we realized it was not about a new dance similar to the Monster Mash or about Kris giving birth to the Creature From The Black Lagoon. Yo, come back when you have stories about Swamp Thing. Also inside: The Kerry Washington-is-pregnant rumor persists, here with pictures of Kerry and yellow arrows and the words "bump buzz" and "breasts are fuller" and "only a matter of time!" Next, there's another mom-shaming story; this one is called "Too Sexy, Too Soon?" and accuses Kim of "letting it all hang out — just to please Kanye." A source claims that Kim's being styled by powerful people in fashion and "can't say no," and there's also an ominous paragraph including the words "Kanye has a plan," in regards to Kim wearing more and more "dark, monochromatic colors." What else? Jennifer Lopez pushed her way to the front of the valet line outside of the Sunset Tower Hotel recently, and everyone else had to wait an extra 20 or 30 minutes while her Bentley was being attended to. A snarky eyewitness snaps, "She was acting like she was someone very important." BURN. on page 42 there's an interview with Rebel Wilson, in which she says that in her new show, "I want to inspire girls who don't think they're cool or pretty — so they can see they can have exciting lives, too… I put out a realistic version of what it's like to be a girl who looks like me." Finally, "Stars' Plastic Surgery Secrets" are not really secrets, and the "guess who?" from the cover is Jocelyn Wildenstein. Old snooze. (Fig. 5)
Grade: D- (a denim thong with matching denim pasties)
"SANDRA'S JOY: BABY #2!"
Sandra Bullock is looking to adopt a baby girl, says a source and not Sandra Bullock's rep. Whether or not this is true, the mag has a lovely time going over all the things that are great about Sandy: she's self-sufficient! She's a good mom! She's accomplished! She's down-to-earth! The source says that her son Louis is "beyond excited" to be a big brother. Yay. Moving on: Kris Jenner went on a date with Britney Spears' ex-fiancee Jason Trawick. Behold for yourself the veritable hell Trawick endured: "Throughout the meal, Kris told Jason he was sexy while they shared edamame and she hand-fed him sushi." Next: apparently, Kate Upton's boyfriend Maksim Chmerkovsky, who is on Dancing with the Stars, is trying to encourage her to lose weight by making nasty comments about her body. He hopes to be famous, and he thinks that body-shaming one of the most famous models in the world will help him achieve that. OH, OKAY MAKS. GREAT PLAN. Elsewhere in the mag, the editors use Sarah Michelle Gellar's new TV show as a flimsy excuse to revisit her bad relationship with her father, who died in 2001. Why is this necessary? The world will never know. In other news, a source claims that Owen Wilson has impregnated his personal trainer Caroline Lindqvist, who is still married to another man. Apparently, they met in 2003 and have dated on and off ever since then. According to the source, Wilson has no intention of settling down — but he does plan to be fully involved with the child and pay child support, so that's something.
Grade: D (a denim wedding dress)
Kris Jenner opened up to Us about her separation from husband Bruce Jenner. Here it is summarized so you do not have to waste time and brain cells reading anything else: their marriage ended a year ago; they've been living apart since then (but they totally fooled you with the KUWTK "Bruce is just getting a man cave" plot line!!!). As of now, they have no plans to divorce. They are friends who will always love and respect each other, says Kris. All of their children just want them to be happy. Bruce will remain on the show. That's all! In other Kardashian news (is there any other kind anymore?), the mag as the scoop on that Baby Nori picture that Kim posted to Instagram, and what a scoop it is. Kim took it BEFORE her trip to Paris but put it up after because "she had the urge to share." Kanye showed it to his friends. Don't expect any more North pix anytime soon. Elsewhere in the mag, Dylan Penn has doubts about dating Rob Pattinson because he's so famous, which makes sense, seeing as she's been in like a million tabloids since they began seeing each other. Moving on: Prince Harry is totally going to propose to Cressida Bonas, but this story is significant because it contains the following sentence: "James Blunt was giving it his all during a September 30 concert… But another performer had Prince Harry mesmerized: girlfriend Cressida Bonas, who was singing along." THE PRINCE OF ENGLAND WENT TO SEE JAMES BLUNT IN CONCERT. THINK ABOUT THAT.
Grade: C- (a denim fedora)
Fig. 1, from Ok!
Fig. 2, from Ok!
Fig. 3, from Life & Style
Fig. 4, from Life & Style
Fig. 5, from In Touch