Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we send Kristine Gutierrez to the newsstand to buy the hot-off-the-presses new issues of In Touch, Life & Style, Ok!, Us and Star. This week, Kim is eloping with Kanye even though he is gay; Katie Holmes' spine makes news; and Teen Mom turned porn sensation Farrah Abraham says nasty, delusional shit about James Deen and her MTV costar Catelynn. Yes but no but yes.
Life & Style
"Katie's Weight Plummets"
Katie Holmes is stressed out about Tom Cruise, so she is eating less. At the Met Gala last week, all anyone could talk about was how skinny Katie looked (and how fat Kim Kardashian looked. No one wins!). Tom Cruise used to be far away shooting movies. Now, however, he's back in NYC, taunting Katie and their daughter by being a father and a Scientologist. Does this mean that scientology is the newest "it" diet? Anyways, her falling career, her lack of a love life and Tom Cruise back in the family's life has stressed Katie into skinnyness. She's called "skin and bones" and accused of "wasting away" and why don't you just shoot us? It would be less painful. Moving on: Prince Harry allegedly revealed to an alleged source that Prince William and Kate are allegedly having a baby boy!! Also, Kate apparently got a stroller that is blue AND, (this is huge, you guys), Prince Harry accepted a blue teddy bear from a little girl! Which means Prince Harry is pregnant with a son, too!! Congratu-fucking-lations. But then Kate had some Pepto Bismol, which happens to be pink, so she is actually telling us that she is having an intersex child (we just made that up). Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert will be spending their summer apart. There are trust issues in their relationship and um, life has literally not changed since last weeks' gossip magazines and the week before that and the week before that. Miley Cyrus is cooler than January Jones. At least she's better at upstaging Jones at the Met Gala. Finally: Real Housewives of Orange County star Vicki Gunvalson (who?!) will not choose between her man and her family. Seriously, this is too irrelevant to even report correctly.
Grade: F- (OH HELL NO)
"Kim& Kanye: Elope to Paris"
Kim and Kanye are getting married in Paris, because what else is there to write about? Apparently, they are super happy! The couple has even learned how to compromise (vut dat?). They'll get married in Paris soon because Ok! photshopped a French beret and a French flag on a picture of Kim. Also, the couple likes desserts and champagne... See?!?! Reasonable evidence of a Parisian wedding! The mag also threw in some French phrases for Kim to learn: PARIS. WEDDING. SOON. Moving on! Jennifer Lawrence is apparently down to marry her ex Nicholas Hoult. But he is breaking her heart. He was spotted walking around with Elvis Presley's granddaughter, aka fingering her. The Queen of England issued a stern warning to Prince Harry to behave during his US trip. He has been a good boy, yeah, you good boy. Johnny Depp and Amber heard are not only going to get married, they will have a child soon. We all know that the only way to hold onto Johnny Depp is to have his child. Duh. Finally: Kristen Stewart has been begging Rob Patterson to get a home in Idaho. Say yes, RPatz, that way we don't have to see Stewart sulking around on the red carpet.
Grade: F (WTF)
Kanye West is gay, everyone. He is avoiding Kim Kardashian NOT because he's a selfish, egomaniac artist, but because he likes dudes. Apparently he's shacking up with Givenchy's creative director, Riccardo Tisci. And by that we mean they're friends and Tisci lives in Paris and so does Kanye. GAY. SO GAY. Other reasons why Kanye is gay: He raps about women all the time. Kim, with a reality tv show, is clearly the cleverest beard. This has got to be the dumbest gossip ever. Up next: John Legend and Chrissy Teigen's future wedding just hit a wall, because Legend allegedly pulled some blonde chick into a bathroom and started marking out with her at a cajun restaurant. We've always wondered: what if someone just/currently is taking a dump in the bathroom? Or what if Legend needed to take a dump and needed a wiper? Amanda Bynes has a cult; she is actually Jesus Christ's second coming. Why? Because she has more than 1 million Twitter followers and people in the East Village made an ironic make-shift shrine for Bynes with candles. Clearly, no one from the magazine has stepped into the East Village (the only way anyone can go to sleep at night in that area is to chant "Born this Way," have sex with Ryan Gosling lookalikes and then pray to Amanda Bynes). Are the editors at In Touch cult messengers because they wrote about/profit from Amanda? Something to contemplate. What else. Miranda Lambert is drinking away her sorrows because her husband Blake Shelton likes girls: Welcome to marriage, honey. Lastly, Justin Bieber had a fight with his mom because she wanted to use a photo of him on the cover of her new book. He did not like that his face would be used for profit. HA. HA.
Grade: D- (yeah… no)
"Mason's Not Your Son!"
This story will not go away. Model Michael Girgenti believes that nine months after he had unprotected sex during one-night stand with Kourtney Kardashian, she gave birth to a kid who is biologically his son. Anyway! Kourtney allegedly told Scott and he was überpissed. There are a bunch of pix of baby Mason put next to pix of Girgenti when he was a baby and we're all supposed to think they look exactly alike. But kids look like kids and whatever, as dark Willow says when she's a vampire: bored now. Also inside: American Idol might be firing everyone, including Ryan Seacrest. In fact, Randy Jackson didn't quit, he was fired, but he wanted to make it look like he left of his own volition. David Burtka cheated on Neil Patrick Harris, but "close pals insist" that NPH is no angel either: "They both have masseurs they are close to." Wow, is that a thing? And, um, where do we sign up? What else… Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes have sex constantly, even in the editing suite of the film he's directing. Fifty-five year old Sharon Stone has decided that her 27-year-old boyfriend is just not mature enough. Neighbors heard Courtney Stodden sobbing one night when her husband came home "in a drunken rage" apparently homeboy guzzles booze day and night. Tiger Woods "humiliated" Lindsey Vonn at the Met gala because he drank too much and spent the whole time staring at other women. Finally, yet another paternity story we've heard before: Mark Lester — the British actor who was in Oliver! — thinks he might be the biological father of Prince and Paris Jackson — and maybe Blanket, too. Our only response to this is Annie are you okay, are you okay, Annie?
Grade: D (yawn)
"Ready For Baby!"
If you're in the mood to read a nice, sweet, romantic story about nice, sweet romantic people, this sugary faux-exposé about the fucking adorable couple Jenna Dewan-Tatum and Chaning Tatum is the ticket. She's pregnant, but he's filming in London, so she moved there to be with him and their first kid will be born in London Town. "we're both terrified," he says, "but really excited." Meanwhile, a friend says they are "true soulmates" and there's a heap of anecdotes about him sending her flowers and notes and giving her foot massages. She recently had a craving for Mexican food and Channing immediately tweeted about it, asking his 4 million Twitter followers for the best Mexican food in LDN. She's "lovely and down-to-earth"; he's a sexy and doting and a "great stripper," everything is awesome, the end. Also inside: In case you missed it, Shenae Grimes got married in a black wedding dress (Fig. tk). Madona talked to Beyoncé at the Met gala but "didn't even glance" at Gwyneth Paltrow, since theysa feudin'. Blood on the dancefloor. Last, but not least: An epic Farrah Abraham interview reveals that she is a psycho bitch. No, really. When asked if she's spoken to James Deen lately — her sex tape co-star who is in a feature film with Lindsay Lohan and arguably one of the most famous male porn stars in the world — Farrah says: "I feel like James wanted to date me, but I don't trust him. And I don't want to date a porn star." Hmm. Right. You just want to pay one for sex. Got it. Obviously Farrah never read any of James Deen's blog posts in which he gushes about how much he loves his job and Stoya and also proclaims "Stoya is mine." Farrah also says: "Doing something with me was probably like, the highlight of his life." Again: Does she really not know who the fuck this guy is? Or is she just being nasty? In another part of the interview, the reporter says: Your costars have criticized the tape. Catelynn Lowell even tweeted that you sounded like a "dying horse." Farrah replies: "I know what jealousy looks like. I am trying to be a role model for the other Teen Moms… Catelynn has a weight isue but I don't say harsh things about her to hurt her self-esteem." WTF. Seriously. Insert Latrice Royale "THE SHADE OF IT ALL" gif here. In conclusion, Farrah says she is getting an online master's in business communication. And:"I want to open a modern fusion restaurant in Austin that has a drunk driving campaign to help people make good choices."
Grade: C+ (LOL WUT)
Fig. 1, from Us
Fig.2, from Us