Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which previously sentient humanity undergoes a series of arcane transubstantive rituals at the hands of the Lucky Charms leprechaun and ends up as a bunch of marshmallows floating in the amniotic milk at the bottom of the bowl. This week, a biographer threatens to spill all of Beyonce's secrets; booty-craving Taylor Swift fears being framed for murder; Scott Disick is in love with Khloe Kardashian; and you readers who wanted space breaks, you got em, babes.
BODYGUARD TELLS ALL: BEYONCE AND JAY-Z SPLIT!
For six months! In 2006! But we'll get to that later. Up at the very front of this rare archival copy of the King James Bible, Dylan Penn, daughter of Sean, says that Charlize Theron is "the only woman since my mom who can shut my dad up." Petition for Charlize Theron and Robin Wright to do a spinoff series starring two Claire Underwoods in a steamy political remake of Black Swan! Tori Spelling owns 127 storage units: not enough! *buys Tori Spelling 3 more storage units* Jose Canseco shot off his middle finger while cleaning his gun. Yo, I did that like a week ago and it was sooooo bad. Still love guns though! *dedicates my yoga practice to Jose Canseco's severed middle finger* Gwen Stefani is pregnant with her fourth child and we know this because she wore overalls to a pumpkin patch. Also Blake Lively is maybe having a girl and she's excited because she has "some amazing shoes and bags and stories that need to be appreciated." I hope, if Blake Lively has a girl, that she's the most surly, square-jawed, genderqueer motherfucker ever to live. Tom Cruise has ~set his sights~ on Miranda Kerr. Far away in the distance, a long-haired elf draws his bow back, shakes out a platinum mane of horse hair and squints calmly at his prey.
Here's a great spread on celebrities that have day jobs, featuring subtle shade in the subhead: "Whether to follow their passions or to make ends meet, these stars traded the spotlight for 9-to-5 gigs." Tiffany I Think We're Alone Now Tiffany has a boutique in Nashville. Susan Boyle is a cashier. Kevin Jonas is a contractor. The littlest kid on Home Improvement makes vegan organic cheeses. "IS SMEGMA VEGAN," squawked a toddler born in a Miami hotel. J. Randy Taraborrelli, who has written ALL of the juiciest celebrity biographies, is writing a book about Beyonce. He's interviewing her hairstylists, makeup artists, bodyguards and it's Beyonce's worst nightmare, worse than the one where she's in her own vault and she looks at all the pictures and all of the teeth fall out of all the pictures at the same time. THE THING IS, Beyonce and Jay-Z split up for six months in 2006 because of Rihanna, and J. Randy "I Am Lorde, Ya Ya Ya" Tambourine is gonna expose IT ALL! Potentially there will also be MAD HOT GOSS about how Kelly Rowland may actually be Beyonce's half-sister: love child of Mathew Knowles. Bey's female empowerment creed could take a hit if it's revealed she had plastic surgery, growls a pimply ogre. No it won't, ogre. Take a nap buddy.
Brad Pitt's kids call him "Stinky Daddy." I'll call him Stinky Daddy too, if that's what he wants!!!!!!!!! Stevie Wonder is expecting triplets, which will bring the number of children he has fathered to a STRONG 11. Jessa Duggar had 1,000 people at her wedding. NOT ENOUGH! NEVER ENOUGH! ASSEMBLE GOD'S ARMY AND SMITE THE HEDONISTS INTO DUST! The Kardashians are all addicted to lip plumpers. *peers out over the Pridelands with my hand gently stroking behind Simba's ears* Son, every family must honor its own traditions. FINALLY, GUYS: CALLIE BEUSMAN'S BUNNY LUCIFER FUCKIN LOOKS LIKE GANDALF. "He is generous of spirit and very wise," says Callie, IN THE MAGAZINE, of her 10-month-old Lionhead rabbit. Lucifer was last seen at 4 AM in the parking garage of Soho House in West Hollywood, doing cocaine off the fingernail of a sleek young guinea pig.
Grade: A+ (LU LUCIFER LUCIFER SON OF THA MORNIN)
JESSICA & ERIC SEPARATING!
Producers of the third Bridget Jones movie are worried that Renee Zellweger's new face will render Bridget newly unrelatable. But what is more relatable than 1) doing what you feel and/or 2) caving under the anvil of woman-directed social pressure that eventually flattens us all? REESE IN PIECES! Where, give me some??? Over KAT MCPHEE! Shit. Here's the thing, Kat McPhee side-pieced herself all up in Reese's BFF's marriage, and Reese, like any good and crazy Southern girl, will go FUCKING NUTS ON YOUR ASS if you do something to her girl friend, who she doesn't even like that much anyway, but that does not mean you can come over here and ask me for a cigarette, Kat McPhee. Courteney Cox and her fiancé are planning their very special monogamy christening, which will feature "TWO BASHES." I love a good bash! Ed Sheeran introduced them and is going to sing a special song for their first dance. "DJ Diplo" is expecting a baby with ex-girlfriend Kathryn Lockhart and current girlfriend Kitty Purry is peeeiissed. There is absolutely no word on when these magazines are going to stop calling him "DJ Diplo."
Cressida Bonas, a British bag of cocaine borne from the collective vagina of all the universe's constellations, has broken up with Prince Harry. "When he's drinking he'll stick his tongue down the throat of any girl who takes his fancy," says a source (Cressida Bonus). Jessica Simpson and husband of four months Eric Johnson are fIgHtInG :( Here is a direct quote from her appearance on Jay Leno, pegged to god knows what news item: "He keeps knocking me up." Jessica, girl, get an IUD! "We're doing it very backwards." The IUD will still protect against that! "I'll just keep my legs crossed." *goes back in time to murder anyone who had a part in this woman's education* Jessica's fashion biz pulls $1 billion a year, and her prenup gives Eric $200,000 as an anniversary present every year. He gets an employment bonus of a strong million if they reach 10 years, which seems like, maybe that's why he's knocking you up, darling? KATHY BATES AND SUSAN SARANDON SMOKE WEED TOGETHER. *four thousand of us show up on their doorstep* hi
Grade: D (J Diplo)
Life & Style
SCOTT'S IN LOVE WITH KHLOE
J.Lo is in talks for a two-year Vegas residency. J. Lo is down for it as long as she doesn't have to share any space with Britney, bitch. The doll's voice box inside Kim Kardashian's ribs was hacked: "I would love to be a forensic investigator," it sad. "I've literally asked attorneys to intern on a big murder trial. I know I can help solve it." You can! Only you can! You, Kim Kardashian, can help solve… MURDER! Here's the cover story: Scott Disick wants to fuck Khloe Kardashian. Evidence includes: they play tennis together, hold hands, wear their PJs in the same picture, get in bubble baths, admit they're attracted to each other, and go see each other whenever Scott and Kourtney are in a fight. Hmmm…….. not the worst evidence! Scott wants to "combine" Khloe and Kourtney to form the perfect woman. Good luck to Scott as he embarks on a bioethical nightmare like none on Earth have ever seen!
Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are saving their marriage through babby! It was rough going—isn't it always rough going—but Justin was like, "Babe, stick it out till I finish this tour, babe," and Jessica was like, "Okay, but only till I finish opening my new restaurant in Santa Monica which is literally called AU FUDGE," and then they went to go see a fertility specialist and now everything will be perfect forever. Taylor Swift is lovable because she wears relatable fast fashion. *stares around at the flood of pedestrians waiting for someone to love ME* Would you like to know……. How A-Listers Outsmart Fat? The answer is "quitting sugar cold turkey." But I fackin LOVE sugar cold turkayyyyyyy!!! Yassssss, sugar cold tarkay, slayyyyyyyyy
Grade: F (an alarm clock that's just Kim Kardashian saying "literally")
Okay!! It is war!!! GOP congressmen against female bodily autonomy! Good feminists versus bad feminists!!! Civil, in South Sudan! ISIS and Mali and Syria and the Islamist crisis in Nigeria and the conflict in Libya! Just kidding: the war is between the Jenners and the Kardashians. We will get to this human rights crisis in about one second after we lose ourselves in the riveting new psychological thriller called Taylor Wants a Booty. "She figures, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em," whispers a gravel-voiced butt clown hiding in the sewer. Swift would like the booty in time for her December birthday and is pounding sew many turkeys and avocados to get there. Lindsay Lohan is getting banned from gifting suites because she takes too much stuff. Hahahaha *keeps laughing while I show up at your open bar event and order 17 double Jamo gingers to go* STARS, THEY'RE JUST LIKE US
Taylor "Wants a Booty" Swifterson showed up at Ellen and confessed that her greatest fear is: GETTING FRAMED FOR MURDER! Nice try, Taylor, you're afraid of getting convicted! Of killing all of our vibes! But truly, has a pop star ever been so goddamn Nixonian? Gwen Stefani doesn't want to let Gavin Rossdale's daughter Daisy Lowe live with them because she's "kind of trashy." Daisy, I literally live in a garbage can, so I feel you girl: no one wants me in their house either.
OKAY: time for our hard-hitting political coverage of the Kardashian-Jenner In-House E! Online (TM) Sponsored Rebel Insurgency. Tidbits include: Kendall has banned Kim from attending fashion shows she's walking in; she also kalled her sisters "fat losers." Kourtney is kalling Kylie a home wrecker for what she's doing to Tyga and Blac Chyna. Also: Khloe is a "protective mama bear"! *emails the US Forest Service & Wildlife Protection snapshots of Khloe Kardashian* PLEASE SEND THIS BEAR BACK TO HER BABIES Apparently Portia and Ellen are fighting so bad that they backed out last-minute of a charity event they were co-hosting because their en-route limo spat got so HAWT. The couple has issued a statement saying they were never intending to attend in the first place, Kelly. I just found out that Teresa Giudice has a daughter named Gia. I've been waiting all my life for a nemesis *plunges deep into the earth's core to plot my destruction of 13-year-old "Gia," who is releasing sexy videos of herself on the internet, just like me*
Grade: D (a fart that turns out to be so much more)
JEN TELLS JUSTIN: LET'S ELOPE!
Ashton Kutcher, secretive angel investor and Silicon Valley hero, is squatting on Instagram handles and domain names for his daughter. "I don't want a porn site with my daughter's name!" he told the magazine, communicating through Morse code and a trumpet while I upload pictures of Callie's bunny to WyattKutcher.xxx Bill Murray once got in a cab where his driver talked about not having enough time to play the saxophone, so Bill Murray took the wheel and drove his driver around so he could jam. WOW, what are we even doing not making a movie about that? Can Callie's bunny be the driver? *gets on Etsy to buy a bunny sax* Chris O'Donnell ate his first banana when he was 20 years old. *drops to a whisper* I heard Callie's bunny was like, 11. I was more like, mid-teens? Use your imagination. *WINK* Here's the cover story about Jen and Justin's impending wedding!! It's so juicy. They are going to do a "Goth Mary Engelbreit" theme and host the intimate 69-person affair at a Medieval Times in suburban Illinois; the maid of honor will be Soledad O'Brien, the best man will be Callie Beusman's bunny, and the officiant will be a Sysco vat of mayonnaise. Just kidding it will be "relaxed and beachy." *Callie's bunny does the jackoff motion until the end of time*
Grade: A+ (type of coke preferred by Lucifer Beusman)
Fig 1-3, inTouch
Fig 4, Us Weekly