This Week In Tabloids: Suri Cruise's Christmas List Includes Diamonds & A Show Pony

By Dodai Stewart | December 7, 2011 | 8:18pm

Celebrities

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we sip from the gossip goblets of In Touch, Us, Life & Style, Ok! and Star. This week, Khloe Kardashian “will do anything” for a baby; Angelina Jolie is a “basket case,” and forget a Lexus with a bow on it: One-percenter Suri Cruise will be opening up a show pony on Christmas morning!

Ok!
“What I Didn’t Tell Kris About Our Marriage.”
OMFG WHAT A WASTE OF PAPER. The cover and the insides do not match up. There is no first-person “real story” from Kim here; just some random quotes and stuff like, “She truly was in love with him and wanted to live happily ever after” and “She’s really not a fake, she was just on this runaway train with no easy way off.” Kill me now, seriously. For the love of Christ. Also inside: A hard-hitting piece called “Why J.Lo Went Cougar.” An insider claims that the thing about 24-year-old Casper Smart is “how he makes her feel,” which is a really polite way of saying she’s getting banged like a gong. Week after week, Ok! is not okay.
Grade: F- (hemlock juice from an arsenic-laced lead goblet)

Most Popular

Life & Style
“Revenge Romance.”
Apparently Kim’s “mistake” was “ever thinking Kris could replace her former boyfriend and true love, NFL star Reggie Bush.” Because “theirs is a love that refuses to die,” like an adorable interracial cactus. In other KK news, she is “hiding” wedding money from Kris Humphries — he “only” got about $400,000 for the televised ceremony, but she earned way more from all sorts of sources. Sigh. Let’s move on. Fame is ruining Pippa Middleton’s love life! She’s not allowed to have fun anymore, fans are everywhere, dudes are afraid of the queen, and Pips is “scared of ending up alone.” Relatives of royals: Just like us? Jennifer Aniston is “obsessed with dieting.” Lady Gaga has gone “from raunchy to refined,” possibly because she is dating nice guy Taylor Kinney, aka the hot werewolf from The Vampire Diaries. Everybody knows that sluts just need a good man to turn them into ladies! Last, but not least, there are six recipes for holiday cocktails created by Countess LuAnn de Lesseps in the mag, and the Merry Mistletoe — celery juice, vodka, simple syrup, lime juice and mint leaves — is what I’d like to be drinking right now.
Grade: D- (snake blood and bile from a venom-rimmed glass)

In Touch
“Kourtney Pregnant & Alone.”
Is Kourtney Kardashian alone? Nope! Not even in the existential sense, and surely the mag is not talking about man’s search for meaning or the weighty consciousness that we are each just individual tiny specks of dust on a planet in a dying universe. Anyway. Scott is “distant” and she feels “sad and lost” and her sisters have “turned away from her out of jealousy.” Or so we’re supposed to believe! Meanwhile. Kim is “brainstorming for a way to get the attention back to her” and might even adopt a kid just to get back at Kourtney. This gossip is so uninteresting I just zzzzzzzzzzzzz. Moving on: We interrupt this Midweek Madness to bring you this ADORABLE picture of Louis Bullock giving puppy dog eyes (See Fig. 1). We’ve been getting emails from a weirdo who thinks Reese Witherspoon is hiding the fact that she’s in an abusive relationship, and pages like this (See Fig. 2) just add fuel to the crazyfire. In Demi/Ashton news, she signed a book deal while they were still together, and her work was supposed to be about her childhood and her complex relationship with her mom, her addition and recovery, but now it could be about her cheating lying sack of shit husband. Maybe! Angelina Jolie is “paranoid” and “losing her temper… and maybe even her mind!” All because she hires bodyguards and is nervous about the premiere of her directorial debut. But the sidebar headline here is “She’s turned into a basket case!” You stay classy, In Toca. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are living apart — he’s in Miami and she’s in L.A. — and a source calls it “sad.” The parents used to take their kids to school; now a bodyguard does it. The family is being “torn apart.” Pippa Middleton is friends with a guy named Ben Goldsmith, and since he is having marriage problems, she is “too close to a married man.” Jennifer “desperate for a baby” Aniston is on a sex schedule, which Justin Theroux finds tedious, so Jen dropped $22,000 on risqué lingerie to spice things up. It’s working. Headline of the issue: “Rihanna’s Addicted To Strippers.” Lastly! Poor little rich girl Suri Cruise asks for diamond earrings and a show pony in her letter to Santa (see Fig. 3) while Run DMC + Bill Cosby = Betty White. That’s just math. (See Fig. 4)
Grade: D (shake made from blended grubs and egg whites)

Us
“I’ll Do Anything For A Baby.”
“Do anything” sounds so dramatic that you might hope to find a line in here from Khloe about how she has kidnapped a toddler or taken up magick or hypnotized a pregnant lady. But no. Old quotes. Not a new, exclusive interview. Apparently Khloe started in vitro in September, and “naturally, her fertility issues will be a key plotline on the next season of Khloe & Lamar. The upside of the whole thing is that the show “only shows 30% of how sweet and happy” Khlo and Lam are, and he makes her so happy and treats her so well and so on. What else? Another page of Injured Reese Witherspoon pix. (See Fig. 5) Despite what you might have heard, Robert Pattinson is not dating that blonde chick Sarah Roemer. She’s just a friend, guys! “he would never in a million years cheat on Kristen.” The juiciest story in this issue is titled “Mutiny At Glee.” Things are really bad on set! Production is a mess! They’re really behind schedule! Dianna Agron tried to offer some plot suggestions for her character, and Ryan Murphy was all OH NO YOU DID NOT and turned Quinn into an unlikeable baby-stealing bitch. Amber Riley is pissed about lines in the script referring to her weight; “she didn’t want to be ‘the big girl.'” The cast is banding against Murphy and Lea Michele is “leading the revolt,” obviously. And don’t forget how the castmembers don’t see a dime of iTunes sales and were denied raises for the current season. Ouch. Next, in an interview, Jenelle from Teen Mom 2 — now a blonde — admits she had “trouble” quitting marijuana. But things are on the up and up and she is going to therapy, although her mom won’t go with her: “She claims she doesn’t need it and that I’m the one that needs it.” Finally, in a fairly shocking development, the new movie New Year’s Eve gets one and a half out of four stars from Us. Which means it must be epic in its suckage.
Grade: D+ (warm urinal water served in an ashtray)

Star
“Will & Jada: Divorce Papers!”
Will and Jada’s marriage is over. Done. “They’ve been faking it a long time and they don’t want to live a lie anymore,” sobs a source. He was seen partying and drinking and not wearing his wedding ring in Trinidad, a sure sign of impending doom. The problem will be the battle over their $520 million fortune. Moving on! Marie Osmond has a new nose and lips, and if we were living in a ’50s horror movie I’d guess she’s aiming to eventually look like the creepy dolls she shills. (See Fig. 5) Drew Barrymore has been a vegetarian for ten years, but her new man likes meat (that’s what he said?) so she has been eating dead animals, because he is The One. Kaya Jones from the Pussycat Dolls says that her voice was laid down on tracks supposedly sung by Nicole Scherzinger! I think that was the plot of Mariah Carey’s seminal film Glitter, no? Ryan Gosling takes ballet. Not because he’s preparing for a role. Because he likes it. Hey girl, want to see my grand jeté? Britney is being pressured to get married because her boyfriend is a gold-digger. Lea Michele and Cory Monteith, aka Rachel and Finn, are swappin’ spit IRL. Oh, this is good: The mag got a hold of “Lindsay Lohan’s Long Lost Diary.” Ready? Here we go:

Jan. 22, 2008
Today Heath died. I’m in love with him… He was the love of my life. He taught me so much, and he was everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I want to hear him laugh and hold me. I crave his touch and care.

And! Another entry:

It’s like a game of Jenga, and when one piece slips, it all falls apart. One pill, one sip and it goes down the slope, crashes and burns and it’s over. Why? I ask myself over and over. Cry is all I can do.

I dunno, guys, real? Not real? Did they go through her garbage? Is there more? So many questions. Meanwhile: Robert Pattinson is dating Sarah Roemer, because his relationship with Kristen Stewart is over. They haven’t said anything because “it’s a sham for the sake of publicity.” A source claims “Kristen stresses Rob out” because she’s “difficult, diva-ish and demanding.” There is no romance anymore. Nothing to see here. Twihards go home! Two final things: Marc Anthony is “seething” that J.Lo was going to bring hot young thing Casper Smart to a meeting about the Lopez-Anthony TV show in Peru. And Khloe Kardashian will “definitely embrace” using a surrogate if she’s not pregnant by this time next year. Maybe it will be Kourtney, in a Sister Wives twist? (Without the wives part?)
Grade: C (old eggnog from a dirty goldfish bowl)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from In Touch

Fig. 4, from In Touch

Fig. 5, from Star