This Week in Tabloids: Super Fuzzy Pix of Pregnant Kate Middleton in a Bikini

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In Touch
“Married to a Madwoman”
More Kris Jenner bashing this week. Poor Brucey Wucey! According to the mag, horrible, scaly monster Kris forces Bruce to give up his seats at basketball games, hold animal-print wrapped gifts for her and get his face fixed. Oh, and she may or may not have cheated on him with her go-to penis, Todd Waterman. Meanwhile, Kris’ soon to be ex son-in-law, Kris Humphries, is calling bullshit on Kim Kardashian’s claim that the drawn-out divorce proceedings are putting her fetus at risk. His lawyer insists that Kim is trying to speed things up by using “an ‘urgency’ in the form of an unplanned pregnancy.” Gestating ain’t easy. Also inside: Leonardo DiCaprio has allegedly hooked up with at least five Victoria’s Secret models. Julianne Hough and her siblings sit around talking about vaginas. In “These Moms are Scary Skinny,” Selma Blair and Denise Richards are pin-thin because they’re single mothers, and January Jones needs to “indulge in a cupcake.” Finally, June “Mama” Shannon has lost 100lbs without even trying. (Fig 1).
Grade: D (emaciated kitten)

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Us
“The Virgin Bachelor”
The Bachelor‘s Sean Lowe had sex in college, but he has since “embraced religion” and is a “born-again virgin.” Fun. Sean dated a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader for three years and they never had sex; he is waiting for marriage. But! Apparently he had some “pretty intense” makeout sessions on the show, including a kiss that broke the Guinness world record for longest onscreen kiss (3 min 16 sec). Still, the lady he’s engaged to now is “dying to” get him in bed and bang him like a drum. Yawn, you guys. Yawn. Also inside: former BFFs Katy Perry and Rihanna could not be seated near each other at the Grammys because Katy doesn’t approve of Chris Brown. Taylor Swift also had to be seated away from Katy Perry, since KP is with John Mayer now, and TSwizzle hooked up with The Player back in the day. And! After Carrie Underwood performed, Taylor Swift didn’t get up for a standing ovation like everyone else did. The only other story of note in this issue is the one about how Mila Kunis has moved in with Ashton Kutcher. It’s filled with tidbits about how chill and low key she is: She threw AK a surprise birthday party that involved go kart racing and Umami Burger, and over the holidays, she hung out with his family in Iowa,”gamely” eating at (gasp) Red Lobster. Apparently Ashton’s friends and family love that she’s not a Hollywood Diva like Demi was. (And seriously, go kart racing? Burgers? James Van Der Beek? Win.) (Fig. 2)
Grade: C (bloated/overfed goldfish)

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Star
“Kate Shows Off Baby Bump!”
The palace is absolutely livid that a photographer snapped four-and-a-half-months pregnant Duchess Kate Middleton in a bikini while on vacation in Mustique, calling it a “a clear breach of the couple’s right to privacy” and saying “we are disappointed” which is upper crust British for “for fuck’s sake you assholes.” At first it was reported that only a skeezy Italian gossip rag was publishing the images, but BAM: Here they are in Star. Ridiculously lo-res, bitmappy and clearly taken from a long lens, the “must-see photos” reveal that Kate Middleton looks like a barely-pregnant lady in a blue swimsuit. THIS IS NOT NEWS. Even the coverline — “FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT — WOW!” is stupefyingly banal. One must assume the editors paid a pretty penny for these images, but the story amounts to MEH. If she’d discovered a new species of mollusk while in the Caribbean, that’d be one thing. But lady in a bikini? And? So? They’re trying to convince us that we’re looking at the future king or queen of England, that gazing upon the bump is like gazing upon the royal fetus itself, but guess what? A slightly pregnant belly is not that scintillating. There’s some fanfic — perhaps a report from the photographer himself? — to go with the images, in which William and Kate go for a morning swim and touch and kiss in the waves. When they come out of the water, he goes down on his knees and kisses her baby bump. Then they hug and hold each other as they watch the sunrise. For some reason the words STILL IN LOVE! in a pink circle accompanies the report, as though any of us thought that these kids were faking or over it. Moving on! Lindsay Lohan came back East to stay with mom Dina Lohan just as Dina got a foreclosure notice on her Long Island home. Oops. Bobbi Kristina is in a “downward spiral” of weed and pills. Jessica Simpson tried to get her husband a job — designing menswear for her fashion line — but his jeans, khakis and T-shirts were so boring her business partners were all, no thanks. Did you know that there’s going to be a diving competition show called Celebrity Splash? There is, and Kendra will be on it. Andrew Garfield thinks Emma Stone is getting too thin. Jessica Chastain’s estranged biological father, a drummer named Michael Moasterio, died of bronchitis on February 5. Jessica has never publicly spoken about him or her sister Juliet, who committed suicide in 2003. Ashton Kutcher might be cheating on Mila Kunis says Sara Leal, who slept with Ashton while he was married to Demi Moore: “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” Finally, the latest Hollywood beauty trend: Pillow Face. Pillow Face should have been the cover story, to be honest. Cheaper. Bad choices were made. (Fig. 3)
Grade: D (angry porcupine)

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Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from Us

Fig. 3, from Star