This Week in Tabloids: Stars and Murders! Lots of Teens!

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Welcome back to Midweek Madness, our long-dormant weekly revue of all the best and the worst but mostly deeply whateverness that tabloid media has to offer us. But first… a passage from Revelations:

I am the Alpha and the Omega. The first and the last. The end and the beginning. Itsa me……Jojoo Siiiiwaaaaaaaaaa………………

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Let’s dive in.


People

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Has People always been a murder sandwich on fluffy, white celebrity bread? This week’s issue opens with an exclusive photo spread from Good Morning America anchor Lara Spencer’s wedding, a little in-depth look at Chris Pratt’s budding romance with Arnold daughter and apparent author Katherine Schwarzenegger, a cute li’l joint interview with Blake Lively and Anna Kendrick about their new movie together, then suddenly it’s like “NEW SECRETS, UNENDING PAIN: THE WATTS FAMILY MURDERS” and “HORRIFIC MURDER, SHOCKING DEFENSE: DID AN INTERNET MEME LEAD A TEEN TO KILL?” and then we’re back to thoroughly benign content like the best-dressed celebrities of 2018 (Meghan Markle, Cate Blanchett, Lupita Nyong’o…) and fall shopping guides (plaid, hoop earrings, anything yellow…). There’s also a retrospective on why former First Lady Betty Ford was good and an excerpt from Michelle LeClair’s new memoir about leaving the Church of Scientology after falling in love with a woman.


J-14

Illustration for article titled This Week in Tabloids: Stars and Murders! Lots of Teens!

Asher Angel, Loren Gray

Amandla Stenberg Q&A

Corbyn: Pasta! Yep. That’s all.

The fuck is Hayden Summerall????

Millie Bob’s friend? Sadie Sink.

Blake Gray and fan? They hit the rink.

Female masthead, Ariana

10 free posters, if you wanna

Brady Tutton, Trevor, Sunny

All these teens have lots of money

Unforeseen in-depth reporting

On gun violence… brain contorting

Nathan Triska, Edwin, Jace

Jojo Siwa? Has a face.

Cameron Dallas, Tayler Holder

Influencers, eyes that smolder

Teen.

.

.

.

Teen.


OK!………… thinks I’m stupid

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Star? Doesn’t respect me!

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Stray thoughts: what the fuck

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This Kendall Jenner “Just Like Us!” candid is an American Eagle ad right??

Illustration for article titled This Week in Tabloids: Stars and Murders! Lots of Teens!
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Same re: this Olivia Culpo Keurig “candid” in Us Weekly?

Illustration for article titled This Week in Tabloids: Stars and Murders! Lots of Teens!
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And this Fruit Loops one in Star??

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Is this bad or art

Illustration for article titled This Week in Tabloids: Stars and Murders! Lots of Teens!
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We…… never said it would????

Illustration for article titled This Week in Tabloids: Stars and Murders! Lots of Teens!

Contributor, Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

God, I hate those ads. One of my favorites was...I dunno, some C-list actress holding a box of protein bars and looking at the back. Okay, fine, but she was holding her hand in an unnatural position so that the name of the product was perfectly framed between her fingers. Why GOSH, did she get paid to do that, especially since the same boring picture ran in every single celeb rag that week? Hmmm. (Though that’s such easy money I’d happily do the same, but I am no influencer/celebrity and nobody cares that I like that weird unicorn gum they sell at Target.)

Jojo Silwa’s face on the cover of that magazine is making me incredibly angry.

Not making me angry:  YAY THIS FEATURE IS BACK!