This Week In Tabloids: Someone Put a Microchip in Amanda Bynes's Brain

Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which a small-brained baby who has not looked inside a tabloid magazine for six years takes a deep dive into Star, US Weekly, OK!, Life & Style and InTouch. This week, Bruce Jenner wears a B-cup, Kim worries that Kanye is going to hook up with Cara Delevingne, Blake Lively spits out the first of her litter (her words) and my MFA program revokes my degree.

InTouch

FEARS FOR TERESA: ATTACKED IN PRISON!

My primary context for the face I see on this cover is the IKEA monkey and it seems very unfair that she would be put in jail for going to IKEA, which I think happened a long time ago, let alone getting “beaten senseless for being famous.” It’s not her fault that coat was so cute! Okay: LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian throw away their undergarments once they have become soiled. We know this because their former nanny is suing them for wrongful termination and her lawyer says “they just threw her out like dirty underwear.” Why not wash the nanny? This just in, Bruce Jenner is a B- or even a C-cup. The question of why he is wearing a bra is the magazine’s “mystery of the week.” I bet we can solve this: Brucie just doing Brucie. In animal news, Olivia Benson, not the television detective but the cat of Taylor Swift, is now a Keds model. The specific model of shoe is called “Sneaky Cat.” In the news of that which is beyond repair, Amanda Bynes thinks she has a microchip in her head and would like “a dollar a day from every person who [is] reading my mind.” An anonymous insider has offered InTouch the information that Bynes “does the drug Molly”—you don’t say? On October 5th she got on a CitiBike and rode straight into traffic. In prison, Teresa Giudice will have to do landscaping all day for 12-40 cents an hour. Her husband may be deported back to Italy. THE TWEENS ARE NOT ALL RIGHT: Selena Gomez left Paris two days early after finding out that her boyf Justin Bieber had ditched her to hang out with Kendall Jenner. Apparently Selena already hated Kendall because her sister Kylie had hooked up with Justin this past Coachella. “When I think I’m alone I have God,” Selena said on Instagram. Mariah Carey is referring to herself in the third person: that seems reasonable. Finally, KFC made a keyboard where all the keys are covered with fried chicken stickers and the only visible letters are K, F and C.

Grade: KFC (KFC Fucking Ceyboard)

KATE’S BABY SURPRISE: TWINS!

Someone call the gender police: Bruce Jenner keeps his nails in a French manicure. Someone call the police police: Bethenny Frankel’s boyfriend made her dress up in her four-year-old girl’s pajamas as a sex thing. Someone call the portmanteau doctor: John Mayer is manorexic. I am laughing a little right now at this caption about Katy Perry’s “rumored new boyfriend, DJ Diplo.” I thought that’s been happening, though? They ordered pizza to the club, which is just classic DJ Diplo. Kanye wants to “mentor” Cara Delevingne and Kim’s paranoia is at an “all-time high” about it. The magazine says that Cara has “a life that Kim could only dream of,” because she is “taken seriously by Hollywood.” Gwyneth Paltrow is delaying signing her divorce papers because she doesn’t like that Chris Martin is with Jennifer Lawrence now. Apparently J-Law won’t be photographed with Chris while he’s still married, even technically? Doesn’t that conscious uncoupling press release count? TWINS FOR KATE, TWINS FOR KATE. Twin girls for Kate! Little actual princesses! In this definitely not true story, Kate has known this since August because she has been having dreams of “two tiny babies.” How tiny, like gummy bear size? Kate’s also been chugging kombucha, regaining her appetite, and craving “tuna and sweet corn.” Her mom is moving in with them and the Queen is “furious” about it. Name candidates include Margaret, Elizabeth, Diana, Florence, Charlotte and Alice. THIS IS SO EXCITING I HOPE THEY NAME BOTH BABIES DIANA okay hold on everyone in the chat room just told me that tabloids are fake? WHY AM I READING THEM THEN? Amanda Bynes is going to apply to Columbia and NYU. “I do hope that I too can change the world,” she said, writing her essay with a Black & Mild dipped in foundation. Joe Giudice has a history of getting caught in public with his hand in a cookie jar. “Each time, it was with a sexy, younger brunette.” Pretty big cookie jar to fit two hands in it! You think the cookies were big too or? Ariana Grande wants everyone to die because she is the product of a broken home. Star got copies of her parents’ 2002 divorce papers, including an alimony request with a $1000 monthly line-item for Ariana’s clothes (we must presume that all of that money was stockpiled for fake ponytails).

Grade: Second (same grade as Ariana)

WE DESTROYED OUR FAMILY

Good tidings and great joy: Ellen Pompeo had a surprise baby. Not a surprise to her, though; about the surrogate, she says “I was there when they inseminated her and we held hands.” Same. Kelly Clarkson has a 3-month-old named River whose hands look like Wario. I mean that as a compliment. An unnamed intruder came to Keanu Reeves’ home on September 15th, swam in his pool and also took a shower. THE SCOURGE OF JOHN CHEEVER LIVES ON. Ciara has lost 60 pounds in four months and only some of that weight was a baby. Remember when George Clooney got married to a real-life superhero? She gave him “two 3-month-old cocker spaniels” as a wedding gift. They are hiding out on a private island in England, the wifi at their mansion apparently sucks, so they are using their cocker spaniels as routers. Gwyneth wants to hang out with Jennifer Lawrence and thinks “they’d probably get along.” I can imagine this but only if they are both totally, totally hammered. Hayden Panettiere is seven months pregnant and she went to Miami and had an orangutan make her a painting. STARS THEY JUST LIKE US. I am still not totally sure who Teresa and Joe Giudice are, but I now know that Teresa and Joe Giudice have hired a crisis manager whose past clients include Lindsay Lohan and Justin Bieber: I don’t know if that makes her the worst, or the best crisis manager in the world. Kate Middleton is at war: with boredom. “It’s been so difficult,” says an insider. After she has her first artisanal baby, Blake Lively wants to “spit out” a “litter.” She also says that she can’t pick between her favorite types of pastries because it would be “like asking someone who their favorite kid is.” I think Blake Lively is confused. I am worried that she is going to eat her babies.

Grade: 30 (the LITERAL number of babies that Blake Lively has gone on record as wanting to have)

INSANE & ON THE RUN

This cover photo is also making me think of the IKEA monkey. “Former child star goes on a cross-country spree of madness,” says the subhed. “Begging strangers for their shoelaces & twitching nonstop.” IT’S A MONKEY, GUYS, LEAVE HER ALONE. Paris Hilton left a $47,000 tip on a $230,000 bar tab at a bar in New York City. *refills MetroCard $10 at a time* I’m fine, everything’s fine. Kylie Jenner is dating Tyga. I hope she writes her next YA novel based on “Rack City.” Jessica Alba recently indulged on “meatballs” and “rice balls.” Which balls do you think were bigger? Amber Rose and Kim Kardashian have the same birthday. How hard you think Kim gonna watch the PHONE (hehe) this October 21? Jennifer Love Hewitt once got Matt Damon an Aerobed to cheer him up and he never got her a thank-you note. He told her that “all his dreams were coming true but he didn’t feel that he had a bed of his own.” Clearly he did though, clearly he did. Oh, here comes another Amanda Bynes story, which is actually amazing. At a Williamsburg salon on September 24th Bynes (1) smoked weed (2) asked somebody to give her their shoelaces (3) stripped naked (4) tried on clothes (5) spilled a bottle of pills on the floor (6) all while doing standing leg lifts because she wants to lose 10 pounds. She then went up to the customer whose shoelaces she wanted and asked them to book her a flight and also drive her to the airport. OH MY GOD HERE IS ANOTHER STORY ABOUT THESE GIUDICE PEOPLE WHO I CANNOT CONTEXTUALIZE NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I GOOGLE THEM. LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have “dealt with plenty of soiled laundry in their time.” Congratulations to the happy couple for being super good at laundry. Jason Derulo broke up with Jordin Sparks over the phone. Pretty cold after three years! ♫ JA-SON DERULAO ♫

Grade: military (like Amanda’s weed)

I’M HAVING CHRIS’ BABY

Shouldn’t it be “Chris’s”? WILL IT BE A “COOL” BABY? SMH at internalized patriarchal pressure forcing young babies today to drink beer, love diapers and never get mad. Denise Richards has a three-legged dog named Beagle and she puts it in a stroller. RT if would trade places with Beagle for a day. Miranda Lambert wants to have babies but husband Blake Shelton went on Ellen and said he doesn’t want babies at all. Miranda is sad because her buddy Carrie Underwood is pregnant and Blake could have at least just said “We’ll see.” If this happened to me I would immediately go out and buy a baby. Angelina Jolie is mad that Leonardo DiCaprio, Victoria Beckham and Emma Watson have all signed on as Goodwill Ambassadors. She’s worried that they’re those bandwagon goodwill ambassadors. Aaron Carter missed Nick Carter’s wedding because of a plane delay. BUT WHAT WAS HIS HORNY LEVEL? Chris Martin is thinking about proposing to Jennifer Lawrence as soon as his divorce papers are finalized. Jen is “not ready to be a stepmom” and has not met Chris and Gwyneth’s children yet, but she is “talking engagement, babies, the whole nine yards.” Recently the pair went on a date and drank daiquiris. Chris Martin liked this daiquiri outing because Gwyneth literally exploded into a billion pieces every time she looked at refined sugar. Cool cool cool cool. Also SELENA GOMEZ IS DESTROYING HERSELF FOR LOVE. Her “increasingly provocative image is only leaving her with low self-esteem.” Her social life “revolves entirely around Justin’s crew of rappers and models.” She is ADDICTED 2 JUSTIN.

Grade: three-legged dog named Beagle (me)

Addendum:

Fig 1 InTouch

Fig 2. InTouch

Fig 3. Ok

Fig 4. Us Weekly