This Week In Tabloids: Sofia Vergara's On An Embryo-Destroying Rampage

By Bobby Finger  |  April 15, 2015 | 7:30pm
Celebrities

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we fly to Los Angeles, rent a car at LAX, drive to Calabasas to find those salads the Kardashians are always eating, have one for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, drive back to LAX, and fly home. This week: Bruce will hate Kris for the rest of time, one busy man impregnated both Miley and Selena, another man wants to impregnate Mila Kunis again, and a Teen Mom steals a cover story from a Kardashian.

Finish your salads, because it’s time to get started.

OK!

MILA & ASHTON: WEDDING & BABY NO. 2!

Are Ashton and Mila married? Aren’t Ashton and Mila married? Everyone this side of Calabasas wants to know. When asked by Ellen Degeneres, Mila said, “Maybe!” When asked by James Corden, Mila said, “Maybe!” But what does ‘maybe’ mean, Mila? Fortunately, OK!’s reliable sources have some insider info. “They’re having fun convincing everyone they’re already married, because it takes the pressure off the planning that’s already underway.” And Mila herself said weddings should be done “privately and secretly.” So that’s a pretty convincing hypothesis, source! After all, who doesn’t tell people they’re married for fun? Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston did in the movie Just Go With It, and I saw Just Go With It, so it must be true! I see right through you, Thoroughly Maybe Mila.

Nick Cannon is broke as a joke! Specifically Neil Patrick Harris’ briefcase joke from this year’s Oscar ceremony. He’s as broke as that joke. And if you’re saying, “But what about Mariah’s money? He didn’t sign a PRENUP, did he?!” You must be crazy, because of course he did! Mariah Carey would sign a prenup with Jesus Christ. You know why? Because she’s smart. Nick got exactly $0 of her “$520 million fortune” and now all he’s got left are Instagrams of expensive things he used to buy with Mimi’s money. And a good relationship with dem babies, of course. So that’s nice. He may have to trade in his Louboutins for Tom’s, but at least he has dem babies.

Anne Hathaway is about to adopt a baby and can’t fucking wait. She and husband Adam Shulman have apparently signed all the paperwork and written all the checks and painted the nursery and are ready to be the parents they were born to be. A source says the baby will be American “because [Anne] wants to help needy children here. But adopting from overseas is definitely something she and Adam would consider in the future.” Hathaway’s adopted American child reportedly thought Anne Hathaway was pretty cool back in the day, then didn’t like her for a little bit, but has pretty much come back around to mostly liking her again for the most part, if you know what I mean.

AND ALSO:

  • Tom Cruise hasn’t seen Katie Holmes and Chris Klein’s baby in over a year.
  • Kaley Cuoco has probably been lying about her marriage not being as horrible as everyone says it is.
  • After finding out that Orlando Bloom was hooking up with his girlfriend, Jason Statham “sent a message through friends that Orlando needs to keep his hands off.”
  • Emma Watson has been madly in love with James Franco since 2013.
  • Rob Kardashian hates being a Kardashian more than the other Kardashians hate him being a Kardashian.
  • Reese Witherspoon said her teenage nickname was “Type A.”
  • Dean McDermott is great at 2 things: loving Tori Spelling and cooking meatballs.
  • Rosario Dawson is selling panties that might just change the world.

Grade: D- (You watch Just Go With It for the second time.)

Life & Style

MILEY & SELENA: PREGNANT BY THE SAME MAN

Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus hate each other more than John Travolta hates excess body thetans, but the two known enemies have recently found something they have in common: the father of their unborn children! It’s not exactly Breakfast at Tiffany’s, but it is the one thing they’ve got. The father is Justin Bieber, and just typing that out gave me chills. The father is Justin Bieber. The father is Justin Bieber. The father is Justin Bieber. If I type it out one more time Justin Bieber will appear behind me and impregnate me like Danny DeVito impregnates Arnold Schwarzenegger in Junior and then I’ll have to go on playdates with Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber and Justin Jr. and Justin Jr. and Justin Jr. so I’d better stop typing before it’s too late.

Kate Middleton has been making her own rules regarding the next royal baby and Queen Elizabeth II crown is red hot. Last week we learned about Prince Charles being angry at Kate for choosing not to raise the baby in the palace, and now his mum has joined in. (Just imagine their dinner table fights!) “The queen feels the heirs to the throne should be in the capital, not relaxing in the countryside,” a source told Life & Style, because the last thing a newborn should be doing is relaxing. “So Elizabeth is still pressuring Kate and William to change their plans.” Good luck, Liz, because you’re not gonna see those kids unless you schlep yourself and your flaming crown to the house with the best name in all the land, Bucklebury Manor. Mothers-in-law, am I right?

Khloe Kardashian is at WAR. Not with terror or drugs or Queen Elizabeth II, but with Lamar Odom. The two, who are still married, have begun living together again, but the reunion has come with a set of rules created by Khloe. “No drugs, no other women, and they have to go to marriage counseling together,” one insider says. Her plan allegedly worked for a hot second, but before you could say “Wait, Kim’s brunette again?” he was back to being a bad boy. Maybe they should move somewhere more relaxing. I hear Bucklebury Manor is nice.

WRONG ANSWER:

AND ALSO:

  • Mariah Carey’s publicist dumped her because every time she tells Mariah something’s a bad idea, Maria just says, “It will all be fine, darling.”
  • Sting gave $36,000 “to the victims of the East Village building explosion in NYC,” presumably because he hates when things blow early.
  • Britney Spears is banned from all of Gordon Ramsay’s Las Vegas restaurants because her managers think they’ll make her fat. Rude!!!!!!!
  • If you’re not wearing yellow you’re an asshole.
  • Beyoncé HATES Rihanna.
  • Mischa Barton HATES her mom.
  • Kelly Osbourne HATES Giuliana Rancic.
  • Taraji P Henson LOVES eating soup.

Grade: D+ (You watch Junior for the second time.)

Star

BRUCE: “KRIS MADE ME LIVE A LIE!”

Bruce Jenner’s interview with Diane Sawyer doesn’t air until next week, but that hasn’t stopped Star from doing a little investigative reporting and figuring out literally everything that will be said. Things Star knows that you don’t:

  1. “Kris knew all along!”
  2. “[Bruce] has known since the age of 5 that he had a dominant feminine side.”
  3. Rob is “totally against what his dad is doing.”
  4. “Bruce will be changing his name to Belinda.”
  5. After the surgery, Bruce “will consider himself to be a lesbian.”
  6. Bruce is attracted to “curvy women with dark, smoldering looks.”

I hope the lazy, talentless Diane Sawyer knows she’s been scooped.

Rosie O’Donnell stole a baby. OK I’m being dramatic, she lied to get a baby. I guess that’s kind of like stealing? Either way, Rosie O’Donnell has a baby that does not belong to her and she has no intention of flinging it back like a Koosh ball. The child’s birth mother, Michelle Rounds, told Star, “Rosie acted as though she was generally interested in me and my story. She made me feel comfortable, showered my older daughter with lavish gifts, and showed an interest in my well-being…None of it was true.” Rounds goes on to claim that Rosie forced her to sign adoption documents against her will and then snatched the baby out of her hands like, hmm, that one Lifetime movie probably? I think this was a Lifetime movie.

Would you like to learn more about Demi Moore and Jon Cryer’s whirlwind 1984 romance? No? You’d rather steal a baby than learn about that? Too bad! Because I’m going to tell you all about it. In Cryer’s new memoir So That Happened (the exact title you’d expect Jon Cryer to give his memoir), he discusses his “sexy but short-lived” affair with Moore. He says he was attracted to her “palpably smoky sexiness” and the fact that she was “an absolute goofball, which I quickly learned is a devastatingly attractive combination to me.” OK. Barf, wipe your mouth, then come back to me. Ready? Here we go. Cryer also discusses the sex they would have in tepid water. “If you ever get the chance to fool around with a beautiful actress in a hot tub, do it, because it’s incredibly fun.” Barf. Wipe. OK, you can go.

Jason Derulo gave my favorite response to an interview question this week:

WRONG ANSWER:

AND ALSO:

  • Angelina Jolie and Eva Mendes are best friends now, Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling are best friends now, and the two of them annoy everyone else in the restaurant when on double dates.
  • Cara Delevinge drinks tequila for breakfast.
  • Kendra wants to be a pop star.
  • Ian Somerhalder drinks Heineken, not blood.
  • Uma Thurman went to the beach.
  • Keri Russell went to the beach.
  • Everyone else went to Coachella.

Grade: F (You watch a Jon Cryer film for the second time while having sex with Jon Cryer in a hot tub.)

inTouch

TEEN MOM LEAH FORCED INTO REHAB

Teen Mom 2’s Leah Messer-Calvert “asked her 1.1 million Twitter followers for suggestions on where to spend a ‘ladies night’ in the city. Two days later, she gushed about her getaway.” But guess what? It was all a lie and inTouch is completely on to her. In a “WORLD EXCLUSIVE” it was revealed that Messer-Calvert is going to rehab for an addiction to prescription drugs. Good! Rehab is good. Apparently she’s “a mess” and “everyone is worried.” So good. Go to rehab, Leah. Get better.

Do you want to see the best headline of the week?

You ready?

You sure?

Because here it comes.

So hold on.

…..

Can you live? Are you OK? The headline is astounding, but then it keeps going! “Plus: She Punched Me in the Face, He Claims.” Sofia Vergara wants to DESTROY our embryos…PLUS she wants to punch her ex in the face. Can you believe there was a plus? I would have been giddy without the plus. It would have been best headline of the week without the plus. But the tabloid gods looked down at us and said, “You know what, you crazy gossip lovers? I’m gonna give you a plus.” And that’s just the cover! It gets better inside! The full headline (in another “WORLD EXCLUSIVE”) reads “THE FIGHT OVER FROZEN EMBRYOS / SOFIA SUED BY HER EX.” Not a great headline, but wait for the subhead: “Sofia Vergara & Nick Loeb planned on using a surrogate. Now he wants the fertilized eggs.” You do realize this is the Wayne Knight subplot in Jurassic Park, right? Because it is.

WRONG ANSWER:

AND ALSO:

  • Bobby Flay and Giada de Laurentiis are totally making gnocchi together.
  • No one likes working with Jonah Hill.
  • Rev Run loves listened to The Best of Sade last night, which, same.
  • Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are donezo.
  • Justin Bieber and Kendall Jenner are donezo.
  • Katy Perry and John Mayer are back on..zo?
  • Karl Lagerfeld’s cat has more money than you.
  • Zachary Quinto has more money than Karl Lagerfeld’s cat.

Grade: C- (You watch Jurassic Park for the nth time but Sofia Vergara and her ex are in the room screaming about embryos the whole time so you can’t hear it.)

APPENDIX:

Fig. 1, InTouch

Fig. 2, Life&Style

Fig. 3, Life&Style

Fig. 4, Life&Style

Fig. 5, Star

Contact the author at [email protected].

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