Graphic: Elena Scott/GMG; Image: People, Us Weekly, Star

Welcome to Midweek Madness, Jezebel’s weekly tabloid roundup. This week, everyone’s freaking out about Meghan Markle’s pregnancy—not to be confused with “mpreg.”


People

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This cover story’s super boring! Everyone’s happy, there are no tensions—even the anonymous sources are all like Meghan Markle “will be the best mom” and her child with Prince Harry “will be brought up in an environment of love and acceptance.” People exclusive! The royal baby will be loved! At the risk of saying “big whoop” publicly in this, the year of our Lord, two thousand and eighteen…………big whoop!

Then I turned the page and got to the People story on Princess Eugenie’s wedding to Jack Brooksbank. I assumed this story would be equally as boring as the one that preceded it—if not more boring! But then I noticed, buried right there at the top of the first paragraph: “[The wedding was attended by] 800 guests—including Meghan and Harry, who shared their pregnancy news with the family that day.” Not to be Very Straight, but why’d they have to steal Eugenie’s thunder like that?? It’s her big day!!!! Oh, it’s your wedding? Well, we’re pregnant with a more direct heir to the throne. How’dya like that, Mrs. Hat?? According to Jezebel’s resident royals expert Kelly Faircloth, it might have somthing to do with the way the royal family seeks to elevate the working royals, i.e., the ones with titles who have open bridges and shit as the public face of “the crown” in order to live in yon royal abodes rent free, while downplaying the non-working royals, i.e., Edward’s kids who just get to be kinda-rich people. Kelly says the royal family, per Prince Charles’ lead, is hoping to keep Prince Andrew’s kids, Eugenie et al, out of that working royals loop, closing ranks on which royals get all the press and which don’t because it’s all gotten pretty out of hand in recent years or something. I asked if it was sorta like if McDonald’s got rid of Mayor McCheese and the Grimace in order to focus on Ronald McDonald. Kelly said “sure.”

Elsewhere in the mag, Dakota Johnson is NOT pregnant with a baby but IS “pregnant with a lot of really good ideas.” Jessica Simpson is NOT pregnant with a lot of really good ideas but IS pregnant with a baby. Julie Roberts’ kids compare her to acclaimed anti-racist activist Taylor Swift, and here’s a perfectly fine sentence that gets progressively worse as it goes on: “Emma González posed with George Clooney…at Variety’s Power of Women, event, sponsored by Audi.” Offset and Cardi B haven’t broken up yet? Channing Tatum and Jessie J are dating, and I literally gasped when I found out. (Ask the office.) Jessie’s fans [citation needed????] say they’re not surprised because they spotted Channing at some of Jessie’s recent concerts [citation needed????]. Related: Apparently, Jessie J’s real name is Jessica Ellen Cornish. Where’d the extra J come from? Was Jessie Corn taken?

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Selena Gomez is seeking treatment for “ongoing emotional issues,” Camila Mendes and Charles Melton of Riverdale are dating, Gabrielle Union is 46????, and Rosie O’Donnell is NOT antifa. (She got engaged to a cop.) Joe Giudice’s gonna get deported to Italy after he gets out of prison next year, Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson might get back together, and Peter Dinklage talks playing the late Hervé Villechaize in an upcoming HBO movie. (I didn’t really read the Q&A, but the parts I skimmed made the movie sound interesting.) Angela Kinsey wants me to drink one of her Halloween-themed shooters that have a whole entire unbroken Milano cookie in them and choke and fucking DIE, and David Alan Grier says one time someone asked him why he looked so mean but really he was thinking about spaghetti. Just like us! Oh, wait. That’s Us Weekly.


Us Weekly

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Us Weekly’s cover story about Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s beb royale is also very boring, despite Us’ incredibly huh? emphasis on them being “the first American heir” to the British throne. They’re like seventh or eighth in line! Relax! The real drama begins when you turn to the following story on Princess Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank’s wedding and realize it’s actually a story about Princess Charlotte and Prince George upstaging Eugenie at her own nuptuals! Literally! The subhed is “Princess Charlotte and Prince George almost upstage the bride on Princess Eugenie’s big day!” There’s also an accompanying photo spread, and it’s all George and Charlotte, with a group shot of Prince William, Kate Middleton, Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip, Prince Charles, Harry, and Meghan! All Eugenie and Jack get is a bubble insert! Taken from behind! You have my sympathies, Mrs. Hat. May your vengeance be haute and swift.

In plebe news, Elizabeth Debicki wore it better, as did Nicole Scherzinger. Good for Nicole Scherzinger! Justin Timberlake is touring? Fergie picked a pumpkin, and Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriend’s brother’s fiancée Priyanka Chopra hung out with Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s half sister Kim Kardashian West. Speaking of Kim, remember her second husband, former NBA player Kris Humphries? He’s apparently living in Minnesota, working in real estate, trying to “stay as far out of the spotlight as possible.” Thank god Us Weekly was there to call attention to him and what he’s doing!! Isn’t it weird how I am now older than Shaquille O’Neal was when he filmed Kazaam? I think it’s weird. Anyway, he says he loves ChapStick and dressing up like Santa and delivering gifts. “Just call me Shaq-a-Claus.” I will!


Star

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At least Star had the decency to make up some shit. They say Meghan Markle and Prince Harry aren’t just expecting a baby—they’re expecting a boybaby. They also say that Harry has a name picked out, but they won’t say what it is. Maybe they’ll go with People’s stand-in, Baby Sussex? Kind of a cool name for a boy. Anyway, they source their whole “it’s a boy” thing to claims that someone saw Prince Charles on his way home with two blue teddy bears, which is “clearly a welcome gift for his new grandson.” Clearly!

Rounding out me stink pile, we got word that Teresa Giudice is “talking about divorce” now that Joe Giudice’s getting deported, Mischa Barton’s trying to get MTV pay for a buncha cosmetic procedures before filming her scenes in The Hills reboot, which seems pretty reasonable. You want thirtysomething me to be on camera looking like my teenage self, you’re gonna have to pay to make me look like that. Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx bought a Upper East Side penthouse, that MTV show about Lindsay Lohan’s Mykonos resort is still happening apparently, Jonathan Bennett (a.k.a., Aaron Samuels from Mean Girls) released a cookbook called The Burn Cookbook, and yes! He did that in 2018! Also in 2018, Jennifer Aniston is heartbroken over Brad Pitt not dating her, Rihanna and Madonna both wore trenchcoats so now they must fight to the death, and the answer to 1 across is “crab.”


Stray thoughts: No!

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Pleased to announce all of my boyfriends.

Please don’t tell them about each other. None of us are open.


Is this the Prime Minister of Australia.

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Am I supposed to fuck this or what.

Me:


Jennifer Garner:

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Suddenly want Bella Thorne to play Parker Posey’s daughter in something?

Am I having a stroke.

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Welcome to the fourth wave, ho;;n eyyoa;l;aaa//////l;a/;oaa

I’m de-transitioning.