Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness where local menace Joan Summers, shortly after purchasing tickets to Detective Pikachu (premiering May 8th), sat down to write a scathing column on my sworn enemies, Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively’s pantsuits. Preserve might be dead but its memory lives in the hearts and minds of gossip columnists.

Let’s dive in!

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In Touch:

I almost feel bad that a love triangle is the storyline they’re running with after Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Germanotta’s foray into the Tinseltown Industrial Complex. She burned all those bridges in the name of glamour and intrigue and this is what she gets? Two jawline-deficient somebodies? Sad! I’d rather zero in on the troubling undercurrent of Britney Spears’ latest press. (Do you also feel that unshakeable dread whenever her mental health becomes the fixation of our collective thought process?) Following her recent admittance to a mental health facility, the tabloids have splashed her string of “meltdowns” across the internet. “Sources” claim she’s “struggling to understand her feelings and take care of herself.” And with her father’s supposedly ailing health, it’s worth noting the uncertain state of her legal conservatorship. Having written on her for quite some time, I wish we could indict the boardrooms of Disney and record label executives who package children into international exports meant to push merchandise and ad sales. I’d also indict the parents that exploit their children’s talents for financial gain. And mostly, we must indict the society that promotes both! And for Britney, I hope that someday she can find the peace she was robbed of and clearly deserves. Leave her alone!

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Elsewhere, sentient Instagram account Dua Lipa allegedly wore something and Stevie Nicks thought Harry Styles and his chest tattoos were in ‘NSync. The internet collectively lost its mind over Jessica Simpson’s breast milk, Miley Cyrus permanently damaged a Joshua Tree, and Jason Momoa was photographed with a scrunchie. We’re also treated to a rundown of the “Top Reality TV Moms In Crisis!”:

  • Kristin Cavallari is “in a low” after filming a scene for her alleged reality show, Very Cavallari. Her takeaway? “There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship.”
  • Bristol Palin, daughter of fit-tea sponsor Sarah Palin, quit Teen Mom OG after it “took away [her] peace.” I hope Texas real estate works out instead!
  • Tori Spelling failed to appear in court against City National Bank after failure to pay almost $300,000 in unpaid loans since 2012. Many speculate both Spelling and husband Dean McDermott could face jail time over their numerous debts! (Readers will remember she’s now spending $13,000 a month to live down the street from Kim Kardashian.)
  • After speculation (and countless paparazzi photos) have circled Teresa Giudice’s love life, matters have been complicated by Juicy Joe’s pending appeal to waive his deportation. (Abolish ICE!)

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Kourtney Kardashian also launched her lifestyle brand, Poosh. Although she named it after the nickname for her daughter Penelope, she allegedly heard that Goop’s success was based on the fact that “all successful startups have multiple vowels.” Chaos reigns! A cursory glance at the site reveals almost exclusively sponsored content masquerading as lifestyle listicles. I’m so happy the world was given another outlet through which wealthy women in need of a hobby can finally express their luxury lifestyles! Here’s In Touch’s official “Battle of the Gurus”:

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Net Worth:

  • Kourtney Kardashian: $35 million
  • Goop: $60 million

Name Inspiration:

  • Kourtney Kardashian: Daughter’s nickname.
  • Goop: Her initials bookend “oo” because a Silicon Valley financier told her it made internet brands more successful.

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“Go-To Hostess Gift”:

  • Kourtney Kardashian: $485 Louis Vuitton playing cards
  • Goop: $85 Hermes playing cards

Thoughts on Martha Stewart:

  • Kourtney Kardashian: “I have a very major obsession with Martha Stewart.”
  • Goop: “If I’m really honest, I am so psyched she sees us as competition.”

Shiva Rose’s Contribution To Their Lives:

  • Kourtney Kardashian: A “self-love” ritual to “detoxify and release negativity” by placing herbs and crystals in a bathtub.
  • Goop: Jade eggs.

Overlapping Obsessions:

  • Avocado toast, personal trainer Tracy Anderson, expensive candles, and custom moisturizer made from blood, and outdoor pizza ovens.

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Useless information I will undoubtedly remember for the rest of my life. Here’s this week’s blind item!

“She was one of the biggest TV stars in Hollywood, gracing the cover of every magazine imaginable. But then her life went on a downward spiral and she ended up in rehab more than once. She’s better now and is even being pursued by a popular reality show, but she says she’s still not ready for the limelight again!”

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This has to be Heather Locklear and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?

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Ok!:

Remember when Blake Lively and Detective Pikachu got married on a plantation shortly before Lively’s “lifestyle newsletter” Preserve released their Columbus Day issue, “Allure of the Antebellum”? I do! According to sources, their “perfect facade” hides “dark secrets.” Can you imagine if your personal life was written about in the language of Gossip Girl marketing copy? It must be hard! There are further allegations on how “juggling work and parenthood” have contributed to the stress at home, proving that the tabloids have one narrative when it comes to mothers that are actresses. But in their most egregious display of rank speculation, Ok! alleges that Detective Pikachu has been DMing former wife, Scarlett Johansson. She clearly didn’t test as well as Blake Lively did so why indulge the rumor mongering? (RIP Preserve!)

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Regardless, Tinseltown sure is having a week in romance drama! Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy are facing growing pressures at home in the midst of her plea deal and Aunt Becky and Mossimo for Target are “delusional” about the consequences they face. I’ve also wondered: Who will save the Instagram girls when the parties end, the yachts dock, and their husbands are crying on the phone to their manager moms in public? I ask mostly because sources claim Hailey Bieber is allegedly “lonely” in the wake of her husband’s public meltdowns (and bizarre Instagram posts.) Hoping that she can find solace in tiny sunglasses and House of Drew sweatpants! Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that Kristen Bell is set to take the stage as Ellen Degeneres closes her final chapter at her long-running talk show. Lisa Vanderpump has officially pitched her Vanderpump Dogs spinoff while Justin Theroux made out with his puppy on a red carpet. Big week for canines! Somebody named Lo Bosworth became an official partner of McCormick Flavor Forecast, a job they definitely invented for an excuse to justify some Instagram posts. Diane Keaton stepped out in a trench coat and Celine Dion admitted “I love pussybow blouses!” And as the majority of this issue was on failed romances and crumbling marriages, why not indulge Ok!’s rundown of “VEGAS VOWS!”:

  • Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton wed in May 2000 while he was engaged to Laura Dern.
  • Nicolas Cage and makeup artist girlfriend Erika Koike were married on March 23, with Cage’s lawyers filing for an annulment four days later!
  • Cindy Crawford and Richard Gere married in 1991 after flying to Vegas with a tinfoil ring in hand. (“It was so last minute!” she’s quoted as saying.)
  • Britney Spears married childhood friend Jason Alexander (Not George Costanza!) at 5:30 a.m in the Little White Wedding Chapel. Spears famously filed for an annulment 55 hours later!
  • Shia Labeouf live-streamed his wedding to Mia Goth while the two were serenaded by an Elvis impersonator in 2016. They divorced in 2018.
  • Demi Moore and Bruce Willis got hitched in 1987 after dating for four months. Moore later recalled feeling forced into the Little White Wedding Chapel. Their highly public divorce was finalized in 2000 after announcing their separation in 1998.

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Life & Style:

Furthering the proof that American Media, Inc. is run by men who still believe it’s the 1950s, the new narrative surrounding Prince William’s alleged cheating involves the incredibly dated accusation of “You made him cheat!” My biggest question on our media’s obsession with this story is the sudden shift in our collective sentiments concerning Meghan Markle. She went from the most famous (and beloved) American on the planet to Kate Middleton’s personal torturess in less than a year (a.k.a. racism)! Regardless, the allegations detail that after learning of William’s infidelity with Rose Hanbury, the Marchioness of Cholmondeley, Markle “cruelly taunted” Middleton, accusing her of not making “more of an effort to glam up and look sexy” while “reveling” in her grief. What confounds me most about these rumors is the idea that she’s both as cunning as the British media asserts but dumb enough to openly mock the future Queen consort over her husband’s infidelity? This is a situation where you can’t have it both ways! Either she’s the “clever viper” you’ve splashed across the gossip rags or she’s the “bumbling idiot” making a mess of royal protocols. It’s bad storytelling otherwise!

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I’d also like someone to check on Priyanka Chopra and make she’s doing well after news broke that JLo and A.Rod are planning “Hollywood’s Most Expensive Wedding.” After dropping $5 million on an emerald cut engagement ring, the former athlete will allegedly spare “no expense” to “make up for the cheating accusations.” There’s more to this story of course, but I can’t move past the sickening greed involved in the purchase of a $5 million engagement ring, let alone a wedding ceremony totaling $15 million. Eat the rich! This was also the week we learned that Aunt Becky and Mossimo for Target’s wealth-induced delusions had them miss out on a plea deal taken by 13 parents in the college admissions scandal. I hope the private jet back from Boston offered some solace as she contemplated her impending prison sentence! Worse, recent addition to the FitTea Federation, Colton Underwood, reportedly demanded $20,000 to appear at charity event for the Big Brothers Big Sisters Sports Buddies program. Denver’s Ultimate Masters Party, a “Moscow mule competition,” offered him $3000 and tickets to the event. His managers “laughed in their face” and nearly quintupled the ask. Shilling protein supplements must not pay like it used to!

Moving on: Tom Cruise is still battling accusations of diva antics aboard the USS Theodore Roosevelt and somebody named Lil Pump spent $250,000 on new teeth. Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino reportedly demands special treatment while serving prison time for tax evasion, Mariah Carey’s entourage allegedly numbers 30 people, Ciara performed with The Chainsmokers, and Phaedra Parks walked a red carpet. Gisele Bundchen promoted her ghostwritten memoir, Lessons: My Path To A Meaningful Life (Married To Noted MAGA Advocate Tom Brady.) Rita Ora was photographed. Jodie Sweetin endorsed SoulCycle. Drew Barrymore drank a smoothie. Kim Kardashian took a selfie. Good times!

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  • Ben Affleck admitted: “I have Dunkin’ Donuts every day. It’s very weird, I have it every day and people are always like, ‘Is that near here?’”
  • Nikki Bella on new boyfriend Artem Chigvintsev: “Yeah, we make out.”
  • Kate Beckinsale described Pete Davidson as a “bag of mischief.”
  • Sophie Turner opened up about her sexuality with “I love soul, not gender.”

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Us Weekly:

Until the Royal Family personally pays me to extensively cover their numerous shenanigans each week, let’s move on. And considering the drought of interesting content in this week’s issue, why not run down their bonkers “A to Z of Game Of Thrones? (The excess of Sexy Dragon Show content tells me it must have premiered recently.)

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  • A is for Azor Ahai: Remember when a shadow demon crawled out of Melisandre’s vagina?
  • B is for Battle Of Winterfell: Can you imagine filming a scene in freezing temperatures involving CGI ice demons and fire breathing dragons for 54 days straight?
  • C is for... comic books?
  • D is for Dubrovnik, Croatia: Never forget that we have Game of Thrones to thank for Below Deck’s much worse spin-off, Below Deck: Mediterranean.
  • E is for episodes?
  • F is for fur: Costume designer Michele Clapton “famously” punished Samwell Tarly with a $30 Ikea rug.
  • G is for George R. R. Martin: Release The Winds of Winter, coward!
  • H is for HBO: Because the content farm is running dry, they’ve already commissioned a prequel series!
  • I is for Iron Throne: Can you imagine the hemorrhoids such an uncomfortable seat would give you?
  • J is for Jason Momoa: Did anyone actually watch Aquaman?`
  • K is for Kit Harington: Mustache!
  • L is for Lord of the Rings: GOAT!
  • M is for the Game of Thrones-branded Monopoly game.
  • N is for Night King: A fun dude!
  • O is for Odds: “According to Las Vegas bookmaker Bovada, Bran has the greatest chance of sitting on the Iron Throne.”
  • P is for Priyanka Chopra: Nobody works harder than her publicists!
  • Q is for Qyburn: Another fun dude!
  • R is for Royals: Kate Middleton was forbidden by the queen from sitting on the Iron Throne when visiting the set because “protocol forbids her to sit on a foreign throne, even a fictional one.)
  • S is for Scroll: Old-timey paper!
  • T is for Tormund Giantsbane: Can you imagine watching an undead dragon with gaping holes in its wings perform aerial gymnastics while breathing blue fire and toppling the supermassive ice wall you’re camped out on?
  • U is for Ultraboost Sneakers: Capitalism! Cross promotions!
  • V is for Valar Morghulis: Somebody get Arya Stark a therapist.
  • W is for Writers’ Guild of America West: Unionize your workplace!
  • X is for Xaro Xhoan Daxos: The role of merchant of Qarth almost went to Mahershala Ali, who admitted to “blowing the audition” with some failed chair choreography.
  • Y is for Yara Greyjoy: Big Dick Energy™
  • Z is for Zombie: The blue people with bad attitudes!

And that’s all I have for you! Enjoy this week’s collage: