This Week In Tabloids: Reese Witherspoon Is Still Testifying in Ryan Philippe's Domestic Violence Trial

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where three babies in a trench coat, who call themselves Joan Summers, are currently trawling through police records and menacing the Los Angeles county court system. If I put on a bowler hat and carry around a magnifying glass, do you think they’ll take me seriously?

Anyways, let’s dive in to this week’s gossip.

Life & Style:

Ryan Phillippe will soon answer for brutal assault accusations made by his former girlfriend, 23-year-old model Elsie Hewitt, when the case finally moves to trial in October. In documents originally obtained by The Blast, the model alleged that Phillippe “attacked” her in his home by grabbing her upper arm “so tightly that his grip left heavy bruises,” then “braced his body and violently threw her down his staircase as hard as he could.” She said he then punched and kicked her and aggressively threw her to the ground. According to the legal filing, a friend who was with Hewitt at the time tried to fight Phillippe off, but said that due to his “comparative size and strength,” she was unsuccessful. Phillippe has denied the accusations.

In the following days, according to the court documents, Phillippe allegedly sent private messages on Instagram to her friends claiming that he was fearful the police “were gonna arrest [him].” In the subsequent two years, lawyers for Phillippe and Hewitt have struggled over whether she could view records pertaining to past domestic violence accusations. Hewitt eventually won the rights to those police files, and her attorneys also named Reese Witherspoon as a witness, which Phillippe unsuccessfully tried to blocked late last month. Documents viewed by Jezebel also list as witnesses Phillippe’s ex-girlfriend Paulina Slagter, the investigating officer in the case, and a woman believed to be the friend who witnessed the assault. You can read portions of the original lawsuit, filed in 2017, below.

Meanwhile, back in Los Angeles, Miley Cyrus and Kaitlynn Carter split. Let’s move on! I’m interested in J. Lo’s “diva demands,” as this blurb appeared in three different American Media publications this week. (I wonder who she pissed off!) The main complaint against Jenny from the Block concerns a manicurist she (allegedly) flies across the country whenever she needs her nails done. The cost? Nearly $1500! I’m also told that she spends more than $15,000 a day on makeup artists, hair stylists, and personal trainers while on tour. Boring!

I’m much more concerned about Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s possible move to Wyoming—permanently. As reported earlier this week, the couple splurged on a $14 million ranch in Cody, joining the many, many rich people swallowing massive tracts of land across the country. Their parcel sits on 4500 acres, has two freshwater lakes, an event center, and a “restaurant.” Yikes! Sources also claim that Kanye is building his wife her “dream office” so she can run KKW Beauty and her recently renamed shapewear line from home while she works on her law degree.

Anyways, Gigi Hadid took Tyler Cameron to a funeral, Camila Cabello is in love for the first time, and sources claim Miranda Lambert and Gwen Stefani are locked in an erotic, synchronized, revenge pregnancy showdown. Meghan Markle wore a J.Crew dress. Charlie Sheen claims Denise Richards is lying Kevin Hart is feeling better. The Situation plans to “sit on the couch for a few days and stuff his face.” And worse, Sarah Palin’s husband has been solicited by various publishers for a tell-all memoir.

What else?

• Rita Ora wore a jumpsuit.
• Sarah Paulson posed with an abominable snowman.
• Wendy Williams will not fart in front of a man.
• Harry Styles bit off his tongue while on mushrooms.
• Everyone thinks that Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli of the Target Giannullis are going to renew their vows before they go to prison.

In Touch:

The good journalists and sleuths at American Media were way ahead of me in plowing through Demi Moore’s Inside Out and have the scoop about some of the stories from it. Instead of spending the weekend reading it myself—let’s cheat off their homework! A big revelation early in the book is that Demi’s mother repeatedly attempted to overdose on pills. (There’s reportedly a harrowing passage where a young Demi Moore literally “fishes” the pills out from her mother’s mouth while her father “instructs her what to do.” Later in her adolescence, she was raped, and at 16 moved out of the house and in with “a guitar player.” (It wasn’t clear if this was Freddy Moore, who she married at 18.) I was also struck by the self-reflection she shows in the book’s excerpts, especially when looking back at her twenties. Here she is describing why she would cheat on her first husband:

“When I was younger, I was obligated to be of service. I wouldn’t be loved if I wasn’t—if I didn’t give of myself. My value was tied to my body.”

Around this time, In Touch reports that she was cast on General Hospital while “spiraling as she abused booze and cocaine and developed an unhealthy obsession with her food and weight.” Later, she met Bruce Willis, who she saw as her “savior.” Things soon turned, however, when Bruce began to “resent” her for her success. This, among other things, caused their eventual split. (Or so she claims.) In her third marriage, she writes that Ashton Kutcher roped her into threesomes with women and used those hookups as justification to cheat on her.

“I put him first. So when he expressed his fantasy of bringing a third person into our bed, I didn’t say no. I wanted to show him how great and fun I could be. […] They were good people, but it was still a mistake. I was strangely flooded with shame, I couldn’t shake the feeling that this whole thing was somehow my fault.

Shortly after they broke up, Demi had a seizure after “smoking synthetic cannabis” and inhaled nitrous oxide while partying with her daughter Rumer. In Touch reports that Rumer distanced herself from Demi afterward. As the supermodel and actress puts it, “Part of my life was clearly unraveling. I had no career. No relationship.” At this point, her organs also began to fail from a “heavy viral load.” She later sought rehabilitation for “trauma, codependency, and substance abuse.” Interestingly, there’s a blurb at the bottom of the page stressing that Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are “in good places.” I wonder if that will last when the allegations in Demi’s book properly circulate!

Elsewhere, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are selling their incomprehensibly ugly Winchester Mystery House, Ashton Kutcher is growing a mustache, and Angelina Jolie still can’t cook. Chad Michael Murray went swimming. Everyone is still talking about Sharon Osbourne’s new face. Demi Lovato dyed her hair green. Sonja Morgan and Dorinda Medley openly mocked a trans model at NYFW. Natalie Portman ate a cookie. Jimmy Fallon wore a wig. I’m also told that Hoda Kotb was seen in a go-kart while DJ Khaled posed with fiancée Nicole Tuck. (Still no word on whether he eats pussy yet.) As for former New Girl actress Zooey Deschanel and divorced ex-magician Jonathan Scott, sources claim that Deschanel’s “beauty and talent” and “fun personality” drew the two together. They’ve also been spending “the last few weeks together.” and friends can see them “going the distance.” Can’t wait to not copy whatever sunflower arrangements and open floor plan concepts they use for the wedding!

What else:

• Kris Jenner really, really, really doesn’t want Kim to be a lawyer (says a source).
• Sarah Michelle Gellar posed at the American Girl Store in Los Angeles with her daughter and a friend.
• Everyone’s talking about Hannah Brown’s “diva antics” on Dancing With the Stars.
• Jon Hamm is dating Lindsay Shookus.
• It’s a “constant struggle” to coparent with your ex, claims Audrina Patridge.

As for this week’s blind item, I don’t know who this is—nor do I really care?

This Oscar winner is kissing and telling about the famous actress he just broke up with. But it didn’t take long for word to get back to her: While he was blabbing about their sexcapades to someone, the actress’ former co-star was sitting nearby and immediately called his pal, who then called her ex and gave him hell. Busted!

Enjoy this week’s installment in our ongoing art series. I call it, “Sharon Osbourne’s New Face.”