Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we suddenly start thinking about how much candy we’ve eaten over the past few weeks, get freaked out for the sake of our teeth, decide it’s time to start reading tabloids to get our mind off tooth decay, find three of the magazines, have trouble obtaining Star, and just sort of go with it because honestly, what’s the difference between any of these things anyway and also I really want another bag of Haribo.
This week: George and/or Amal are pregnant, Prince Harry and/or his girlfriend are pregnant, and Katie Holmes is getting revenge on Tom Cruise.
ROYAL SCANDAL: A BABY FOR HARRY
OK, everyone. This is going to be awkward for me (and probably for you, too) but we need to talk about something important and uncomfortable, and that something is how royal baby stories are made. You see, my darlings, when a fun-loving and hunky red-headed prince is seen with a 19-year-old blonde woman who isn’t his wife, people start assuming they are sleeping together in a special way that makes the Queen very upset and the 19-year-old woman very pregnant. After those assumptions are made, anonymous people we call “sources” begin talking to tabloids like Life & Style, saying things like, “It’s the biggest scandal the royals could ever face.” Then, additional anonymous people who go by “insiders” start coming out of the woodwork to give statements like, “The Queen adores Harry, but she would do everything in her power to keep the child secret.” Soon after that, we all forget about the 19-year-old woman and wait 9 months, when another story about the hunky prince knocking someone else up makes headlines. Phew. We did it. You doing OK?
Next up, we’re going to talk about Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez, who have recently filed for divorce from each other. This is Berry’s third divorce, and Life & Style appears to have cracked one of the most mythical questions of our generation: why does she always pick Mr. Wrong?
The answer has many parts:
- She “can’t stand to be single.” Don’t know where they’re getting this, but OK!
- She “rushes” to get married after pregnancies. This feels like a provable fact, so I’ll allow it.
- Her “picker” is broken. This is something Berry has actually said. I don’t know what a “picker” is, but I’m pretty sure she shouldn’t be talking about it in public.
- She’s obsessed with “self-sabotage.” This isn’t something Berry said, but something decided by a family therapist named Bash (that’s apparently his full name, by the way) who Life & Style spoke to. I don’t know who Bash is, but he sounds smart.
- You probably forgot about Sofia Vergara’s embryo scandal, but...SURPRISE! It’s back and she’s going to trial.
- NBC is so worried about Jimmy Fallon. So am I, to be honest!
- Ellen and Portia are fighting over kids again.
- One of the Sister Wives is leaving the other Sister Wives because she’s sick of being a Sister Wife.
- Every designer wants Kendall Jenner to stay away from plastic surgery.
- Nina Dobrev doesn’t tip!
- Bobby Finger doesn’t remember who Nina Dobrev is!
- Wear amethyst or I’ll freeze you in Carbonite.
- Wear florals or you’ll soon be pushing up daisies.
Grade: C- (You wait on Nina Dobrev.)
KATIE’S REVENGE ON TOM
Katie Holmes has just “humiliated Tom.” In a statement to Leah Remini on the eve of her 20/20 interview last week, she said, “I regret having upset Leah in the past, and wish her only the best in the future.” BOOM. KA-BLAM. PSSSSSSSSSHHHH-CRAAAASHHHHHHHHHHHHH. (THAT’S THE SOUND OF HIS WORLD CRASHING DOWN AROUND HIM.) OK, so it’s a...quiet act of revenge, but an act of revenge nonetheless. A source says “that one sentence makes it clear how regretful and remorseful Katie feels about her time with Tom and Scientology...This is the most aggressive she’s been since she blindsided him with divorce papers three years ago. She’s humiliating Tom again.” You know what? I agree with all of that.
So it’s looking like Jimmy Fallon needs help. After a recent drunken fall at a party (it was filmed, remember?), sources tell In Touch that NBC is “deeply worried about the star they’re paying a fortune.” They go on to say NBC is “trying to minimize the backlash by making a joke o these incidents, but they won’t be able to cover for long.” Fallon allegedly comes to work reeking of alcohol, and heads to bars immediately after tapings. But, say the sources, though “he’s fine when he goes out with some of the crew for a few drinks...when he’s by himself...there are problems.” Fallon’s wife is sick of babysitting him, especially because she has two other children to raise.
- Justin Bieber won’t stop throwing tantrums onstage.
- Miley won’t stop sending Liam “secret” texts.
- Kendra and Hank’s divorce “exploded” into something that is probably harmful to their neighbors.
- Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were gonna divorce but then decided not to.
- Halle and Olivier are “battling” over their prenup, which is what I thought prenups were supposed to prevent?
- Gina Rodriguez has a crush on Tom Hardy and I ship it.
- Jenna Dewan Tatum is pregnant!
- The Duggars are “furious” about something or other.
Grade D- (You have narcolepsy in Maine.)
GEORGE & AMAL: PREGNANT
Well, not both of them. Or maybe both of them! At least one of them is pregnant is what I’m trying to tell you. I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s Amal. So, what happened was that Amal and George allegedly engaged in some kind of act—in the bedroom or in a laboratory—and combined their sexual essences in such a way that a new life was created. Though neither of them is really showing yet, sources are beyond certain that one of them is about to have a baby bump to flaunt. OK! is convinced Amal will join the “Skinny Moms Club,” which is a club name that makes me want to zip up my sweater, tighten the hood, and run away forever.
Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux, two beautiful married people who are permanently doing just fine, have a “bizarre marriage” and a few sources want you to know all about it. First, they invite all their friends to their vacations because “if they had a long weekend alone, they’d probably end up killing each other.” They also sleep in separate bedrooms because “Justin likes to read in bed, watch TV, and send emails,” whereas Jen would prefer to just sleep. (Take a second to picture Justin Theroux sending emails in bed. It’s a very pleasant image, right? Sort of like a visual mantra.) OK, anyway, another weird thing they do is eat dinner naked. Take a second to picture that one, too. Justin. Standing naked in the kitchen. Stirring a pot of marinara sauce. Oops, the sauce is getting everywhere! Oh no, Justin! You dropped the meatballs! Pick them up! You missed one, Justi-OK I should really be moving on.
OK, so you’ve got to read this unexpectedly wonderful item about Taylor Swift and Miranda Lambert being “phony friends”:
“Taylor adores Blake in a big-brother way. She’s always been closer to him, and Miranda hated that. She thinks Miranda is a bully who will stomp over anyone to get her way. She’s seen and heard about Miranda’s dark side many times, and tha’s not the type of friend she wants in her life.”
Did Taylor Swift recently purchase OK!’s parent company?
- Kourtney Kardashian is “avoiding” Caitlyn Jenner because “she thinks it will be confusing for Mason.” But, Kourtney, if he’s confused! Explain it to him! This is a very easy explanation, and after you’re finished, Mase will say, “Oh. OK. Can we FaceTime Aunt Khloe?”
- Beyoncé had a breast lift and is obsessed with showing them off now.
- Newly sober Colin Farrell now gets high by “chanting and meditating.”
- Miley Cyrus really wants to hook up with Kristen Stewart. I don’t ship this.
- Gwyneth Paltrow is “desperate” to meet Chris Martin’s new girlfriend.
- Robert Pattinson and FKA Twigs are in a “premarital counseling course.”
- Camila Alves has banned junk food from her house, and I’m not quite sure why two paragraphs were devoted to that revelation.
Grade: C+ (Justin Theroux cooks you dinner clothed.)
Fig. 1 - In Touch
Contact the author at email@example.com.