This Week In Tabloids: Possibly Pregnant Princess Bride & January's Affair With Bobby Flay

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! The tabs cooked up delicious stuff today: Is Kate Middleton pregnant? Does Bobby Flay’s wife know he’s seeing January Jones? What will Heidi Montag look like at 64? Are Glee‘s Artie and Tina in love?

Ok!
“Finally… A New Man For Kate!”
There is no new man. Kate is “preparing herself for the daunting task of making a fresh start with a new man.” There are some bullshit quotes from “insiders” and “sources” about how awkward it will be for Kate to have a first kiss and date when she has eight kids and so on. She went on ONE date with football coach back in December — and it didn’t work out. But she’s on JDate and eHarmony! Moving on: Glee‘s Kevin McHale and Jenna Ushkowitz — aka Artie Abrams and Tina Cohen-Chang — are dating in real life! An onlooker saw them on the beach in Monaco and says they acted very much like a couple! The two embraced, went under water, and came up laughing. Plus! They each have Beatles-inspired tattoos: Hers says “Imagine.” His says “Let it be.” TOO CUTE. Is Jennifer Garner pregnant? The mag has a picture of her, with an arrow pointing at her tummy, and the caption, “baby maybe?” In Breaking Dawn, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart want to show “tasteful but extremely sexually charged nudity,” says an insider. They’re hoping to make the final chapters more adult, which makes sense, because if you were 16 when the first movie came out, you’ll be 21 when last one is released. Next: Tiger Woods dropped the kids off with Elin Nordegren, and she “let him” kiss her. But when he asked if she still wanted a divorce, she said yes. Finally: Jennifer Aniston likes Jason Sudeikis because he has a “wicked, dry” wit. And she is also impressed with his knowledge of current events and politics — “she’s missed being with an intellectual,” says a source Burn, John Mayer!
Grade: F (pickle milkshake)

In Touch
“Bachelorette Lies & Betrayal”
Since we refused to read this cover story, go ahead and glean what you can from the short blurb on the cover: “Cheaters, fame-seekers and psychos!” Which is what you’ll find on the cast of EVERY reality show, no? Moving on: Tom Cruise has been making “obvious hints” to Katie Holmes that she needs Botox. An insider says “Katie hates needles and wants to look natural. But Tom would point out that Victoria Beckham looks amazing and it seems like she has probably had work done.” Jennifer Aniston is in a “risky new romance” with Jason Sudeikis — she lobbied for him to appear in Horrible Bosses and “wouldn’t have pushed for him to get the part unless she saw a future with him,” according to a source. The mag notes “he could be trouble,” because when he was married, he had other women on the side. He told chicks that he and his wife had split, when they hadn’t. His divorce was finalized in March. A source says that when Jen was filming in Hawaii, she would Skype with Jason, and would have “an extra spring in her step” afterward. The “Hollywood Nannies Tell All” feature is a little underwhelming, but here’s what we learned: The Jolie-Pitts’ nanny had to put up with Shiloh’s temper tantrums, which included throwing broccoli at her, and Zahara’s “death stare.” She says: “Zee is the leader of the kids. She’s taught all of them how to act out and get the biggest reactions.” Kelly Bensimon’s former nanny says Kelly starts her day by spiking her coffee with tequila. The nanny was the fourth person in four months to work for Kelly, and at Kelly’s daughter’s school, the lady at the front desk told the nanny: “I hope you don’t have a breakdown like the last lady.” Madonna and her kids follow a strict macrobiotic diet — no salt, sugar or fast food. And the kids never watch TV, and magazines and newspapers are not permitted in the home. Tom Cruise’s kids are sheltered and Suri is “surrounded by adults” and rarely sees kids her own age. Lastly: Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore went to see Get Him To The Greek and when Ashton tried to buy popcorn and soda, his credit card was declined. Instead of being denied snacks like you or I would be, the manager apologized profusely and gave Ashton and Demi everything for free. FML.
Grade: F (cornflakes with ketchup)

Us
“Why She’ll Break His Heart”
Robert Pattinson is “obsessed” with Kristen Stewart, and wants to propose, while she’s into him right now but isn’t sure about the future. He would be willing to go public with their relationship and hold hands on the street, but she doesn’t want to. Yawn. Next: The celeb for the “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” column is Liz Taylor! “I’m mad for Law & Order and have seen every episode.” And: “My very first memory is of pain.” And: “I’m still heartbroken that Richard Burton never won an Oscar.” Plus:”I’m sincerely not worried about getting old.” And: “In my 20s, I nearly lost my eye and my leg — I still have them both, tee hee.” Next, “Ageless A-Listers” is a Dorian Gray-feature, with pictures of actors today and 10 years ago, and it’s tough to tell which is which! (see image 7) Megan Fox got engaged on the beach in Hawaii, according to a witness, but lost the ring in the sand. Hotel staff spent a couple of hours looking for it, but couldn’t find it! There’s a two-page interview with RHONJ‘s Dina Manzo, if you’re interested in learning why she left the show (hint: Danielle Staub). Apparently Lindsay Lohan Tweets to random celebs, but they don’t Tweet her back. Asked about LL (his ex), Wilmer Valderrama says: “It troubles me. There’s nothing anyone can say anymore. Someone has to want to get better.”
Grade: D- (Oreo clam chowder)

Life & Style
“Dumped!”
This story, unlike many tabloid tales, seems plausible: Apparently when he was on the Today show, Robert Pattinson said: “I would like to go on a date. I’m just putting that out there, because I never go on dates anymore.” Sadness! So anyway, the mag interpolates this to mean Rob is “totally fed up” with Kristen Stewart and “over it” and told her “we’re done.” He supposedly says she complains about everything and is “such a downer.” He was seen “on the prowl” in February — kissing a blonde at L.A. nightclub, Teddy’s — and they’ve been sexting. Moving along: Glee‘s Matthew Morrison went out with his high school friend Esther Song, and the mag calls it a “hot date” but we’re pretty sure she is wearing a wedding ring. Oh! We love “Who Has The Best True Blood Butt?” (see image8)! The piece titled “Sandra’s Ready To Date Again” is based entirely on a quote from Jesse James’s ex-wife, Janine Lindemulder, who managed to move on and marry again — and believes Sandra will do the same. “I don’t see her as a woman who is afraid to date again,” she says. Somehow this was twisted into the coverline: “Dating Already?” Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding is off! He is in no hurry to propose, says a source (which means the wedding was never on, right?). In “6 Ways To Be Unforgettable,” we learn that you MUST have self-tanner, because “Kirsten Dunst’s ghostly white glow is an unflattering distraction.” (see image 9) Jennifer Lopez and Catherine Zeta-Jones are the same age — 40 — but J.Lo dresses “like a teenager” and Cathy Z “looks so matronly.” (see image 10) Just another way women can’t win! We like Cathy’s outfits, for what it’s worth. In “Star Smile Transformations,” we learn that whitening and veneers gave 50 Cent, Zac Efron and Celine Dion mouth makeovers (see image 11). Last — but not least — the mag answers the burning question, what will Heidi Montag look like when she is 64? It’s Photoshop insanity: “From A-List To AARP.” (see image 12) Kim Kardashian looks like she’s wearing a Halloween mask. Yikes.
Grade: D (deep fried Coca-Cola)

Star
“William’s Princess Bride Pregnant!”
Scant on details, this one-page story says that William was at his military bases in North Wales when Kate called, sobbing. Kate told Wills that “despite their precautions, she is pregnant.” He went to see her and they talked about it — and the wedding had to be put on hold. The “official excuse” is that he has to finish helicopter training. But do we need an excuse for a wedding that was never announced? Moving on: Angelina visited Maddox’s school at lunch time — and chatted with Kimora Lee Simmons, whose daughters also attend the school — and some cafeteria lady or classmate’s mom sold the pix! (see image 13) Ryan Seacrest is dating Julianne Hough. He went to Nashville on a “top secret” trip to watch her perform at the CMA Music Festival. Whee! Glee kids in love! Tina and Artie! Kevin and Jenna! Yay! (see image 14) Blind item! “Which A-lister — who’s been sober for several years — not only recently fell off the wagon, but also sneaked out on his wife to shack up at a cheesy L.A. motel — with a man?” Our guesses: Mel Gibson? Ben Affleck? Robert Downey Jr.??? Next: Are January Jones and Bobby Flay having an affair? She called him to the scene of her car accident — though he claims that they had just met earlier that night at a party, and that he only gave her his number because he was going to help her remodel her kitchen. However. Flay is currently married to Stephanie March of Law & Order SVU. He has a history of cheating. Bobby claims he and January were at a party at Gordon Ramsay’s Boxwood Cafe at the London West Hollywood Hotel with a group of people, but eyewitness Tom Becktold says that January and Bobby “were sitting side by side at the bar, very close, drinking together. I definitely didn’t take them to have recently met, like Bobby is claiming. They seemed to know each other very well.” They had two beers each, and a bottle of Veuve Clicquot champagne. They talked and flirted happily. Then she went upstairs to his room. Another eyewitness adds: “I don’t know how long they were up there, but it definitely long enough to hook up.” The mag really did some homework, letting us know that Stephanie March is his third wife, and he’s been touchy-feely with women while married in the past. Two nights before the crash, January was seen arriving home at 10:15 am wearing the same dress she’d worn to step out the previous evening — and looking disheveled. Also inside: The mag spoke with Lindsay Lohan — not that it’s advertised on the cover — and she says: “I haven’t touched any alcohol or anything of the sort… I’ve been sober and will continue to remain sober.” She says she is working to get proof that she did not drink or tamper with her anklet. Britney may be hooking up with her bodyguard, and a source says: “Britney can’t get over how beautiful he is. She’s always gushing to her mom about how amazing his body is.” Star‘s big story this week hit the news yesterday, but it’s that Al Gore cheated on Tipper with Larry David’s ex wife Laurie David. An “insider’ says Al fell hard for Laurie when they were promoting An Inconvenient Truth — which she produced. It was hard for him to admit that he had feelings for someone else, because he has so much respect for Tipper. A source says: “Tipper is a homebody, and is not into the Hollywood scene. But Laurie is a mover and a shaker: She’s glamorous and fun.” When Al became interested in that lifestyle, Tipper backed away, and that was the start of the split. In October, Al bought a $9 million mansion in Montecito, so he could be closer to Laurie, and the mag calls it their “love nest.” But Al has told friends he never wants to marry again — since he and Tipper dated in high school, he’s “never had the chance” to be single and he wants to experience that. Sigh. The “Sandra’s Sister Tells All” story is basically inane quotes from pastry chef Gesine Bullock-Prado about from her memoir, My Life From Scratch. Lastly: At home with True Blood‘s Carrie Preston (aka Arlene) and Lost‘s Michael Emerson (aka ben Linus). They’ve been married for 11 years and just bought a house in LA. now that he’s no longer shooting in Hawaii. Cute quotes about how non-Hollywood they are like, “Our house lies outside the glamor zone.” (see image 15)
Grade. B- (french fries and chocolate ice cream)