This Week In Tabloids: Poor Kim Had To Get Married For Advertisers' Sake

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In Touch
“Demi Cheating With Ashton’s Best Friend!”
Okay, apparently 48-year-old Demi Moore has been hooking up with 27-year-old Ben Hollingsworth. He was a “struggling wannabe” when they met and totally starstruck when Demi took an interest in him — helping him find an apartment and introducing him to her hubby. Ben appeared on a CW series that Ashton produced and Ben and his pals would party at Mrs. Kutcher’s, smoking weed and acting silly. Then. One day. Demi picked Ben up after he’d been partying “and unleashed her inner cougar.” They had sex in the back of a car. They continued to see each other for a while, until Ben felt guilty and called the whole thing off. “Demi was forced to crawl back to Ashton and suffer through the wild ‘swinging’ lifestyle she’d adopted in order to keep him from ditching her for younger women.” Sigh. Of course when a lady unleashes her sex drive she must end up miserable and punished! Let’s move on. Bradley Cooper’s mom does not like Jennifer Lopez as a love match for her son: She thinks JLo is too much of a diva. What gave it away? John Mayer has “gone downhill” since he dated Jennifer Aniston, specifically from “handsome” to “hobo.” (See Fig. 1) The cover teases, “Pics of Jen’s nursery,” but what you actually get are photographs of the 3 bedroom apartment on Gramercy Park that Aniston recently purchased but does not yet live in. So these nurseries, while lovely, were decorated for some other family. That doesn’t keep the editors from writing captions like, “Jen can whip up homemade baby food in this gourmet kitchen.” And “Jen might make over the girlie bedroom.” Or those other tenants MIGHT take their furniture with them. Jessica’s “wedding dress meltdown” has to do with the fact that she is pregnant and didn’t like the way her belly looked in the dress. Will the wedding scheduled for 11/11/11 happen? Kim Kardashian and her fam are worth almost $500 million, hence the “$500 million divorce.” But Kris signed a pre-nup. Oh, and Kim and Reggie Bush have been talking and texting a lot lately, and Kim is still in love with him. But it was Kris who put his foot down when producers urged the couple to have a baby. That’s when Kim filed for divorce. “She didn’t want people to think she was dumped.” Last, but not least: Rachel Zoe’s baby has an $80,000 wardrobe: $1,400 Hermès blanket, $914 crib, $1,160 Gucci jacket, $4,700 shoe collection, etc. Little Skyler is the one percent!
Grade: C+ (sweat stain)

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Us
“My Big Mistake.”
Again: Posed photo, headline written in the first person. And yet! No exclusive interview with Kim. That said, there’s a lot of info here, and the article claims that Kim presented Kris with an ultimatum: Work yourself to the bone like a Kardashian or else! Kris was like, whatever, and skipped Kim’s planned Halloween appearance. So Kim filed papers. Sources explain that Kim is in love with love but knew something was wrong before the wedding. “It felt wrong,” says a friend. Days before the ceremony she did not want to go through with it. But like a Wu Tang song, cash rules everything around her, and Kim knew that ads had already been sold for the televised $10 million wedding, so “she felt like she couldn’t turn back.” She had her mind on her money and her money on her mind. Now Kim is “hurt, pissed and embarrased” but plans to keep her $2 million ring. Next: On-again off-again couple Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell are off. They’re in a rocky place since Simon’s X-Factor is competing with American Idol and an insider says “it’s really bitter between the camps.” Sandra Bullock’s 22-month-old baby, Louis, has a $14,000 Andy Warhol print hanging in his nursery, a gift from her agents. Jessica Simpson is “thrilled” to be expecting a little one, and says she and her fiancé “can’t wait to meet our baby.” A pal calls the pregnancy “a happy surprise.” As in: Not IVF? Finally: Demi Moore “can’t let go” of Ashton Kutcher because dudes age and get more bankable and end up on the most popular show in America but when women get older they’re just old ladies.
Grade: B- (grease stain)

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Star
“Justin Bieber Is The Father Of My Baby!”
Mariah Yeater, 20, claims that on October 25 of last year, she went to a Justin Bieber show at L.A.’s Staples Center. She was near the front row at the concert. A security guard asked her if she wanted to meet Bieber backstage, and she said yes. One thing lead to another and they found themselves in a bathroom, where The Bieb’s personality “changed drastically.”

He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to fuck the shit of of me. At that time I asked him to put on a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to. In his own words, he said that because it was his first time, he wanted to feel everything.

Barf. But okay. How was the sex? “Brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds.” And! “He immediately put on his clothes and blew me off when I asked about seeing him again.” Oh, honey. Anyway. the paternity suit states that Mariah believes that Justin is the father of her baby, who was born on July 6. Will the Biebs take the test? Let’s move on. J-Woww is on the Knifesyles page, because her face is full of fillers or something. (See Fig. 2) Madonna doesn’t have friends anymore. She got a little too flirty with Chris Martin, and Gwyneth dumped her, and then all the others — Stella McCarthey, Beyoncé, Jay-Z, Kate Hudson, FERGIE — followed suit, because Gwyneth knows best, obvs. Did Andrew Garfield cheat on Emma Stone with Rashida Jones? AG and RJ had dinner together, and there was “serious flirting” going on. Kim Kardashian is “single and pregnant.” Well, she’s “showing a lot of the signs of being pregnant,” which is not the same thing, but a minor detail! These signs are: Not drinking, and looking like she is hiding her tummy. Also? Star editors want you to know that they called bullshit on the wedding from the start, when they reported that the wedding cake had been thrown into the trash (See Fig. 3). Star: Proud of garbage! In J’Anthrax news, Justin Theroux’s ex is allegedly considering legal action against him — they were not married, but they did live together for 14 years, which is common-law partnership in many states. And IF she does and IF the case goes to court, Jen COULD take the stand. Maybe. “Can You Believe They Dated?” reminds us that Sandra Bullock shagged Ryan Gosling in the early aughts, in case you forgot about that. (See Fig. 4) Here’s a blind item: “Which high-profile — and blond — couple will be the next to announce a split? He’s an older, accomplished actor, while she’s young and less experienced. The pair shocked Tinseltown with their secret marriage just two years ago.” Finally, friends, we have to talk about Lindsay’s Playboy shoot, to which she showed up “disheveled and super out of it,” according to an insider, and said stuff that made no sense. She was dragging and slow, and didn’t take or understand direction well. (Is there more than “take off your clothes”?!) Also, she had a bad attitude and “acted like she was doing everyone a favor by being there.” Surliest nekkid shoot ever? Looking forward to it.
Grade: B (semen residue)

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Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from Star

Fig. 3, from Star

Fig. 4, from Star