Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, Callie Beusman heads to the newsstand and buys the new issues of Ok!, In Touch, Life & Style, Star and Us. Together we endure the creepy-crawly feeling that comes from reading these mags. This week: A reconciliation for Khloe and Lamar; a fetus for Jennifer Aniston; twins for Ashton and Mila; and a new batch of names from the list of celebs Lindsay Lohan had sex with.
Star
KARDASHIANS CANCELED!
Keeping Up With the Kardashians has not actually been canceled. It’s just likely that it will be in the not-so-distant future, because people are getting fed up with it and all of the family members are defecting. But Star will not miss an opportunity to nastily rumor-monger: Kim called Khloe and Kourtney idiots! Viewers find Bruce Jenner’s alleged sex change “hard to watch,” which is a horribly transphobic thing to print! Khloe has a drinking and diet pill problem! Kylie is jealous of all the attention Kendall has been getting and has been seriously considering plastic surgery! This “story” is needlessly gross. In other, equally insipid, news: Angelina Jolie is giving Brad Pitt a “gift of love”: a baby! Although it will be her baby as well, it’s a gift for Brad. She might use a surrogate. Next: Star grants you that exclusive look into Nikki Sixx’s wedding that you always wanted. The theme was “Goth rock meets French countryside.” Ribs were served. Next: Amber Heard was seen crying in a car, which means that she’s panicked about her upcoming wedding to Johnny Depp and also they’re probably cheating on each other. Whatever. Yawn. A resounding sea of yawns.
Grade: F- (maggots all over your face and body)
Life & Style
MARRY ME, I’M PREGNANT!
Over a month ago, Jennifer Aniston realized that she was pregnant and demanded that Justin Theroux marry her. In an act of “ultimate betrayal,” he was like “Ummmm… wait…” and flew to New York, where he avoided her for an entire month. But they made up at the Oscars party and now they’re so very happy and ready to have a family. This story is implausible beyond the normal scope of implausible tabloid stories. Moving on: Selena Gomez’s family is planning an intervention to get her away from Justin Bieber, who is a devious imp and a bad influence and with whom she is still in love. You deserve better, Selena! Meanwhile, in other news, Life & Style has already started picking apart the new Bachelorette, Andi Dorfman. They’ve declared that she had a nose job and a “secret boob job,” dug into her dating history (“She’s only had one boyfriend!”), and shared with the world her salary as an assistant DA. Cool, guys. Elsewhere in the magazine, Teresa Giudice wants to leave her husband once his court proceedings wrap up, which is a supremely uninteresting rumor. Speaking of uninteresting rumors, Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are reportedly sleeping in separate bedrooms. Finally, in a last desperate grasp for something remotely resembling a “story,” Life & Style declares that “no one knows” the real Rihanna because she changes her outfit very often, sometimes opting to cover up and sometimes opting to bare a lot of skin. IDENTITY CRISIS. (Fig 1)
Grade: F (tapeworms emerging from anus)
Ok!
TWINS!
Based on the world’s most unconvincing “BUMP ALERT!”, the womb experts at Ok! have determined that Mila Kunis is four months pregnant with twins (fathered by her fiance Ashton Kutcher). (Fig. 2) Like a feudal king of old, says a source, Ashton was deeply disappointed in Demi Moore’s inability to bear a child for him, so he sees the two-for-one baby deal as “the universe’s way of helping [him and Mila] make up for lost time.” Sure, whatever. Moving on: Prince William and Kate Middleton went on an extremely lavish vacation, prompting worries that they’re “spending beyond their means.” Evidence of lavishness: at their resort, “everything’s expensive and a hamburger costs a whopping $50.” Decadent. In other news, Katy Perry is going on a cleanse to get John Mayer out of her system — along with other cheesy hunks of meat, such as Taco Bell and In-N-Out. Finally, like the Rumpelstiltskin of the tabloid world, Ok! has attempted to spin the blandest of gossip wheat into gold (it didn’t really work): there’s a weirdly belated story about Taylor Swift’s “relationship” with SnapChat creator Evan Speigel. The two made out one time on New Year’s, but this story insists that they secretly dated and just rented out entire movie theaters and restaurants so no one would know. Notably, this article refers to them as “the tech mogul and the tunesmith.” THE TECH MOGUL AND THE TUNESMITH.
Grade: F (bot fly larvae under your skin)
Us
DUCK WIVES TELL ALL
No patience for this fowl cover story, let’s skip it. Also inside: Scarlett Johansson is “Glowing & Showing.” Jamie Lynn Spears’ new husband is also named Jamie. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux “might” be eloping. Zzzzz.
Grade: F (leeches on your back)
In Touch
KHLOE GIVES LAMAR A SECOND CHANCE!
This cover story is all about how Lamar called Khloe and cried and “she melted” and he wants to make it work. Khloe “misses the man she fell in love with” so it might happen but Khloe also has a “breakover body” and is “hotter than ever” so who knows. More important: More names on Lindsay Lohan’s fuck list have been revealed (Fig. 3). Additional famous dudes she had sex with include Ashton Kutcher, Orlando Bloom, Benicio del Toro, Ryan Phillppe, and Paris Hilton’s ex Stavros Niarchos III. If you recall, last week, some guessed that Ryan Phillippe would be on this list; BINGO, correct! In adidtion, there are two guys with the last name Cipriani, but they are (fortunately/unfortunately?) not related. The copy claims that since Ashton is now engaged to Mila Kunis, she is going to be “jealous and upset,” that he once got busy with LiLo, and a therapist who does not know anyone involved says: “You have to wonder about his judgment if he’s been involved with someone who’s such a trainwreck.” Ouch. Also inside: Jessica Simpson might be postponing her wedding for a fourth time. The Bachelor‘s Juan Pablo and Nikki are “faking it for the cameras” because they want to be famous. And finally: Selena Gomez is “two-timing” Justin Bieber with Niall Horan from One Direction. Apparently she has “1D Fever.” Here’s hoping there’s a cure.
Grade: B- (pubic lice)
Addendum
Fig. 1, from Life & Style
Fig. 2, from Ok!
Fig. 3, from In Touch
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Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
