Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we go to the magazine store and buy Star, In Touch, OK, Life & Style, and Playboy (for a certain unnamed coworker who was interested in seeing what the magazine’s final nude issue was like), hand the friendly cashier our money (wow, Playboy is expensive!), and say, “Yes, absolutely,” when asked if we want a bag. This week: Star is boring and shameful, In Touch is boring and gross, OK! is boring and obvious, and Life & Style is just plain boring.
Let’s get started. Or not. Whatever.
KYLIE BETRAYED: TYGA IN LOVE WITH UNDERAGE TEEN
Kylie Jenner was betrayed by Tyga, who’s recently “been texting an underage model.” This should surprise no one familiar with either of those people, because the Kardashian-Jenners are constantly being betrayed by people and Tyga has a history of texting underage girls while dating other women. A source says Kylie is “humiliated” and that she “doesn’t want him anywhere near her right now.” When asked for an update 10 minutes later, the source was probably like, “Actually they made up and I need to go grab a juice, so...gotta go.”
Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux, the couple I most enjoy imagining a deep and long-lasting friendship with, are adopting a baby! This is the 30,399th time we’ve heard the news, but I’m still over the moon. Jen is reportedly “dying to have a little girl,” while Justin is reportedly, well, no one knows about Justin because sources and insiders never ask Justin what he wants. And that’s a shame.
Tom Cruise hasn’t seen Suri Cruise, his daughter, in 976 days, which is coincidentally how long it’s been since I’ve seen my daughter, whom I also abandoned because of my commitment to Xenu and his teachings. But enough about me and my spawn who will never know true fulfilment or contentment, Tom Cruise is planning to reunite with Suri over Christmas! This is sweet, and something I have no intention of doing with my daughter, whose soul is certainly unsaveable. Good luck to the happy father and daughter this blessed Christmas! And, to my precious little one, please never try to call me again.
- Jennifer Garner literally can’t stop getting botox.
- Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker literally can’t stop smoking.
- Teresa Giudice literally can’t stop working out in prison.
- Courteney Cox and Matt LeBlanc are literally dating.
- Chris Martin is literally desperate to have Jennifer Lawrence back.
- Cameron Diaz literally can’t stop writing books.
Grade: F (Your daughter chooses happiness over Xenu.)
DEVASTATED KIM: DUMPED 4 DAYS AFTER GIVING BIRTH
Saint wasn’t holy enough to keep Kim and Kanye’s sacred bond together, because the couple has split up. So, four days after Saint’s birth, the formerly happy couple started fighting about this ‘n’ that. Says a source, “Kim yelled at Kanye for never being around or including her in any of the decision-making—he’s always discounting her ideas and ignores her.” Then he “walked away.” That’s it! Just walked away. For good. No one even knows where he went! Some believe he flew to Texas, where he plans on opening a collective in Marfa. Others have said he decided to go on a walkabout in Australia. I have heard he’s taken a flight on Elon Musk’s secret spaceship—one capable of both opening and traveling through wormholes—and plans on being the first artist to record an album in another galaxy.
I’m really fucking sorry, but this is really fucking gross:
- Liam Hemsworth can’t decide between Miley Cyrus and Jennifer Lawrence, somehow.
- Jennifer Aniston was there to console Courteney Cox after her breakup.
- Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban are taking it upon themselves to find Miranda Lambert a new beau, which scares me.
- Kris Jenner’s face is mostly fillers.
- The Weeknd has cheated on Bella Hadid so many times.
- Jessie J’s landlord hates her.
- Jessie J’s landlord knows who Jessie J is.
- Wear velvet, or go to hell, vet!
- Wear ruffles, or we’ll have a scuffle!
- Wear faux fur, or get outta hurr!
- For the love of god, stop reading this.
Grade: F (You know who Jessie J is.)
MIRANDA & GWEN: BITTER FIGHT OVER BLAKE
In this In Touch Exclusive, the magazine revealed that Miranda Lambert and Gwen Stefani are currently in a “showdown over Blake.” See, what happened was that Gwen saw Blake’s phone one night on the set of The Voice and noticed some texts from Miranda. She confronted him all, “Excuse me betch?” and he was like, “*burp* don’t worry about it, mamma, I ain’t textin’ back *burp*,” and then later she picked up his phone and saw that, whoops, he’s a LIAR and had been TEXTING HER BACK, AFTER ALL. No! No no no no no. Do not fight about Blake Shelton, you two! Fight about something worthy of your time, like who should be president, or who gets the last can of seltzer. Fight about who has to take out the garbage. Fight about who has to clean out the litter box. Fight about who gets to shower first. Fight about what really happened to MH370. Just don’t fight over who gets to keep fucking Blake Shelton. Please.
Mariah Carey is in a “dangerous spiral,” thanks to all the pills and booze. Sources say she’s drinking two bottles of wine at a time and mixing it with medication for “anxiety, depression, and migraines.” An insider claims “her condition is deteriorating fast,” and that she’s “really struggling.” It’s important to note that her rep denies all of this, but her rep would deny it, right? Addicted to pills and booze or not, she found the time and energy to direct a potential Christmas classic, so who cares. She’s being productive.
I’m not going to tell you who this interview was with because they don’t matter and I don’t remember their names, but it’s important that you read this:
- Sienna and Ben are probably fucking.
- Scott relapsed right after leaving rehab.
- Britney Spears got lipo.
- Oh my god this issue is so boring.
- Adam Levine and Behati Prinsloo are in marriage counseling.
- I’m ASLEEP.
- A Teen Mom’s ex-husband went to jail.
- OK, we’re done here.
Grade: F (Robin Thicke throws you a party.)
CAITLYN: I WANT TO BE BRUCE AGAIN
Oh my. Oh my my my my my. Oh my my my my my my my. This one’s rough, folks, and not the best look for Star. They’re saying Caitlyn is “considering another drastic change”—oh god, I hate even typing this—which is “reversing the transition process and becoming a man again!” They claim “things have become worse for her” and that she has no friends. They suggest that....oh god, again....Bruce “was a confused cross-dresser, but never truly trans.” This is...so upsetting. Think of something better, Star! Something like, oh, maybe:
- Caitlyn wants to go to space!
- Caitlyn wants to run for president!
- Caitlyn wants to become a ghost hunter!
- Caitlyn wants a mini schnauzer!
- Caitlyn wants to open a bed & breakfast in Sydney, Australia and film it for E!
- Caitlyn wants to befriend Taylor Swift!
- Caitlyn wants to become Taylor Swift’s enemy!
- Caitlyn wants to infiltrate Taylor Swift’s squad, earn her trust, learn all her secrets, and publish a tell all that sells millions!
- Caitlyn wants to move to Virginia and reenact Civil War battles!
- Caitlyn wants to write and star in a one-woman Broadway show about the life of Margaret Thatcher!
- Caitlyn wants to eat exclusively Chobani yogurt for the rest of her life!
- Caitlyn wants to appear on Shark Tank with her very cool new (and top-secret) recreational drone idea.
Literally anything but “Caitlyn Wants To Be Bruce Again!”
- Melanie Griffith is begging Kris Jenner to find her a younger man.
- Mariah Carey “is trying hard to pretend Adele doesn’t exist.”
- Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston are adopting, but we knew that already.
- Matt LeBlanc and Courteney Cox are fucking, but we knew that already.
- Rebel Wilson is engaged.
- Amanda Seyfried cheated on Justin Long.
- Halle Berry “has been partying up a storm.”
- This was a bad week for tabloids.
Grade: F (People claim your identity is invalid.)
Fig. 1 - OK
Fig. 2- OK
Fig. 3- In Touch
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.