This Week in Tabloids: Miley Is Pregnant, Doesn't Know Who the Dad Is

By Callie Beusman | April 2, 2014 | 9:00pm

Celebrities

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we bravely venture to the newsstand and to obtain and then paw through Life & Style, inTouch, Star, Us Weekly and OK! This week: There are literally one billion reasons why Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin broke up, and get ready to hear all of them; Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber love making sex tapes; and Miley Cyrus is pregnant and scared. Let us uncouple from our consciousness and wade in.

Life & Style
PREGNANT & SCARED

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Miley Cyrus is totally pregnant, guys. Evidence for: she hooks up with a ton of guys, says Life & Style, and, like, “I’m sure she forgets to take her birth control pills all the time,” says an “insider.” Also, she smokes weed. Evidence against: “This is absolutely not true,” says her rep. Oh well! Let’s get this shame-wagon rolling: she doesn’t know who the dad would be because she hooks up with so many men (Fig 1)! And the magazine interviewed the biggest prude in the world about her behavior — “She would just randomly make out with one of three guys throughout the night,” says someone who was at a club with her. “Tongue kissing.” TONGUE KISSING? AT A CLUB???? WHAT IS THIS, SOME KIND OF FUCKED-UP DIONYSIAN RITUAL? Anyway, here’s the kicker: “She’s facing a truly life-changing decision: give up her promiscuous ways or risk her worst nightmare becoming a chilling reality.” Ugh, bye. In other pressing news, Prince George has “THE BEST NANNY EVER.” She went to an elite academy for training A-list nannies, her nickname is “Saint,” and she has studied tae kwon do. Cool. Moving on: people are still inexplicably talking about the Bachelor; in this week’s installment of I Don’t Care, Bachelor “winner” Nikki has a wedding Pinterest board or something which is bad because Juan Pablo doesn’t love her. Yawn. Finally, this fucking magazine seriously contains an article about how Jessica Simpson drank 3 vodka drinks, which is 12 Weight Watcher points. WHO. CARES.

GRADE: F- (realizing that all of human existence is but a dream occurring in Shia LaBeouf’s mind as he slumbers in a glass box on display in the Met. It is a performance piece. The only spectator is a medium-sized dog in sunglasses.)

inTouch
92 LBS. & HOSPITALIZED

Tori Spelling is now 92 pounds, estimates someone who has never met Tori Spelling or even surreptitiously watched her weigh herself. She also recently spent two hours at a hospital in Santa Monica, prompting speculation that she’s “cracking under the pressure” of her husband’s recent infidelity and her financial struggles. This story is just sad, and I hope she and her kids are doing okay. Moving on: Zac Efron is back on drugs, says an insider, which is why he was in Skid Row last week (Efron alleges that his car broke down in the sketchy area). None of his close friends take his struggle with addiction seriously, which is making his recovery even more difficult. Again, this is really sad; hopefully, he’s able to get the help he needs. In other (less depressing but still not at all happy) news, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin Broke up because of a failed open marriage. Although the couple apparently had some sort of agreement, jealousy drove them apart and led to their conscious uncoupling. Huh. Everything else in this magazine is extremely boring. Mila Kunis ate a fajita salad and tacos last week. Riveting stuff.

GRADE: F (everything you thought about when you were stoned is TRUE)

Star
KIM’S WEDDING DISASTER!

Kim Kardashian’s lavish Parisian wedding to Kanye West is becoming a total nightmare 🙁 Kanye and Kim are fighting a lot over the various details, which has caused her to nurture a secret fire of loathing in her heart for him. (Side note: Star is claiming that they hired a tantric therapist to help them discuss their sexual fantasies; I think their source on this one might just be the “Bound 2” video.) Anyway, Kim is also worried that she won’t be perfectly thin, she doesn’t know what customized designer dress to wear, and Michelle and Barack Obama RSVP’ed no. Sounds like a veritable hellscape. In other news, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin were cheating on each other a bunch — she with Glee producer Brad Falchuk, billionaire Jeffrey Soffer and Tim McGraw, as well as with some shadowy literary figure whom Star tried to investigate in September, only to receive a threatening letter from GOOP’s legal team. He cheated with Kate Bosworth, Natalie Imbruglia and Alexa Chung. Also, he cheated by smuggling their children out for ice cream. Moving on, Juan Pablo sat next to some lady at a basketball game and you should really care; Anne Hathaway haggled for something at a flea market and you should be angry or something; Snooki is delaying her Great Gatsby-themed wedding, oh no.

GRADE: F (after the apocalypse, all human knowledge is destroyed, save for a single copy of the liner notes to Jack Johnson’s first album)

Us Weekly
WHAT DROVE THEM APART

Whoa, did you guys hear that Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow broke up? Yes, it’s true, and lots of things drove them apart, including but not limited to: her making fun of his food orders; her wanting to only feed their children gluten- and carb-free foods; him making her live in London; a lot of cheating. In one particular instance, rumors linking Martin to Kate Bosworth caused a GOOP vs. Bosworth insufferable-off: “A Bosworth pal tells Us Paltrow asked the Big Sur actress point-blank, ‘Are you fucking him?’ and claims Bosworth responded coyly, saying: ‘We were together in another lifetime.'” OOOOF. Anyway, they’re keeping things amicable for the kids. In other news, Kim Kardashian is on an “Extreme Wedding Diet.” She is doing Atkins and working out. Extreme. Moving on: The Royal Family had a “quiet but lovely” Mother’s Day (UK) in which they “didn’t do much of anything.” They’re flying to New Zealand and Australia later this week and are worried that the Royal Baby will be “rather noisy.” UH-OH!!! Hopefully everything is ok!!!!!! In the best news of the day, it’s Us‘s 1000th issue, so they’ve included some past highlights. Thus, please enjoy this “STARS: THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!” of Leonardo DiCaprio buying tampons (Fig. 2).

GRADE: D- (being reincarnated as a tapeworm)

OK!
BABY ON THE WAY!

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard have talked about how they want to have a baby — but also Amber Heard was spotted touching her stomach in public, so BABY ON THE WAY! Are they ready to start a family, though? “Johnny and Amber’s lifestyle is very bohemian and Johnny certainly loves his wine!” says a source. “When the baby arrives it’ll be time for both of them to grow up.” Friendly reminder that Johnny Depp is 50 and a father of two. Moving on: Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber have made some sex tapes; her friends are worried that it could be career-ruining if they get out (“It’s a double standard, but it is what it is,” notes a source). If you are wondering why Jelena have been posting more sensual selfies lately, it is because their love of sex tapes is infiltrating their daily lives, says OK! Also, this quote: “Sexy pictures are the modern-day love letter.” Sure! In other news, Mariah Carey bought TOO MANY DOGS and Nick Cannon is sick of it. They have eight. She will probably buy more. There’s no stopping it. Finally: GWYNETH PALTROW AND CHRIS MARTIN BROKE UP?!?!?!? And she is struggling but putting on a brave face because break-ups are hard.

GRADE: D (Freaky Friday’ing with a goat, but, like, a remarkably smart one)

Addendum

Fig. 1, Life & Style.

Fig 2., US.