This Week in Tabloids: Miley Cyrus Spotted Snorting Coke

“Kim’s Body Struggle”

The magazine really grabbed an exclusive scoop this week: they found out that Kim Kardashian is self-conscious about her weight. Who would have guessed? The cover claims that Kanye might leave Kim again, because who needs the truth when LIES are so much more fun! Kanye has not left Kim and assuming that he might do it again is false. Also, if Kim is worried about her body so soon after giving birth, it might be because In Touch needled, mocked and generally made a big deal about her pregnancy weight. Next: In an embarrassing and inappropriate attempt to legitimize a story that is not a story, a body-language DOCTOR (MD from Florida University at Bullshit?) explains how Liam Hemsworth is ready to leave Miley Cyrus despite her attempts to “hold on,” by examining their body language. In an article on J. Lo and her supposed rocky relationship with Capser Smart, there is a cliffhanger that simply says that JLO and her ex Marc Anthony are going to be in NYC this summer…which might mean…(did you see what we did there?!).

Grade: F (bathing in horse shit)

“My First Days Home With Baby”

While the coverline is slightly misleading — Kim was not interviewed for this story — the mag did talk to one of her BFFs, Robin Antin, founder of the Pussycat Dolls, who has visited Kim and baby North — whom they call Nori. Robin says she walked in and saw Kim holding the baby and said, “Oh my God. You’re a natural.” And Kim said “I know — it’s so weird!” Kanye loves holding Nori and doesn’t leave her for more than an hour — although an “insider” says “he’s not changing diapers.” But he and Kim are staying at Kris Jenner’s six-bedroom mansion — as are a 24-hour nurse, Bruce Jenner, Kanye’s father Ray, Kanye’s Aunt Shirlie, as well as Kendall and Kylie. Everyone squeeze in! Smells like a sitcom! A source says Kim and Kanye will get married and “the wedding will be very small when it happens.” Mazel. Moving on! Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your boyfriend Jason Statham is “ready” to propose to Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Over in Cougar Town, Courteney Cox is back to dating her costar Brian Van Holt. Finally, Robert Pattinson gave a cool party for cool people like EL James, Eli Roth, Bret Easton Ellis, Michelle Rodriguez, Heather Graham and Warren Beatty; there were tacos served in the backyard and everyone (except SparkleVamp) danced. Sounds like someone is single and ready to mingle.

Grade: B- (covered in baby powder)

“Miley’s Secret Drug Problem”

Oh, no: Miley Cyrus is in a “drug-fueled spiral.” Unclear if she is spiralling up or down. The proof offered? Well, she called herself a “stoner” who “smokes way too much fucking weed.” And: A party guest at the Met Ball says Miley was seen snorting “something suspicious” in the ladies’ room. This eyewitness claims that Miley and four other young ladies were in a stall and “Miley put her finger over one nostril, bent down over the back of the toilet and snorted a white powder off it.” The source also says that Miley was chain-smoking and “getting crazy” in the bathroom for at least 20 minutes, with the stall door open, and “almost looked like she didn’t care that people saw her.” Clearly. Miley was with Cara Delevingne that night, the model who, the day before the Met ball, was seen dropping a baggie of white powder on her doorstep. (Unless a photographer threw it at her and then took a picture, which, I mean, would it surprise you at all?) Anyway. Miley’s fiancé Liam HOTworth (of the Hotworth brothers) told her she needs to clean up her act and said “it’s me or the drugs,” according to an anonymous insider we’ll assume is an out-of-work soap opera script writer. Can we all agree that in terms of average American 20-year-old behavior, getting high with friends is the norm? Let’s move on. Also inside: Kim Kardashian’s first days as a mom are rough. She is having a “very hard time” breastfeeding” and is used to be the center of attention, so it’s difficult for her to deal with Kanye being focused on Nori. YES. Jealous of her own damn child, says a “spy.” Emilia Clarke, aka Daenerys Targaryen, wants to wear her platinum wig in public, but HBO won’t let her. Jessica Biel asked her stylist for bigger and baggier clothes, therefore she is or is about to be pregnant. Eva Mendes turned 39 in March and told Ryan Gosling she wants to be engaged by the time she is 40. Ryan was already planning a proposal and has been in “secret talks” with a ring designer, so hey girl, be patient. Paula Deen’s empire is “crumbling,” and if you are wondering how much money is at stake, there’s a handy chart (Fig. 1) for you. Hint: It’s MILLIONS. Finally, we submit to you that in the history of literature and memoir, the most amazing “diary” ever “written” has got to be Courtney Stodden’s “Boob Job Diary.” Consider this eloquent passage: “I woke up and there I was, laying in the hospital with great boobies! They’re beautiful, bouncy and bountiful!” (Fig. 2)

Grade: D+ (bathing in bong water)

Addendum

Image 1, from Star

Image 2, from Star