Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we decide not to buy In Touch, Star, OK, and Life & Style because nothing interesting is happening anyway and it’s much more fun to imagine the sordid things currently happening to the characters from our favorite holiday movies in an absurdist way that features no sense whatsoever regarding timelines or continuity.
Let it snow, let it snow, here we go.
Home Alone
BUZZ’S GIRLFRIEND PREGNANT? WOOF.
I definitely didn’t see this one coming! Sources say Buzz McCallister recently dropped a bombshell on his family by announcing his girlfriend, whose name no one has yet caught, is four months pregnant. “His mom and dad flipped and sent him to the third floor to think about what he’d done,” claims an insider. Kevin was apparently delighted to have the attention off him for once, but the other kids made the entire incident about themselves. Says a source, “They started yelling at their mom and dad for never caring about their problems,” which include Lizzie’s recent abortion, Jeff’s drug problem, and Heather’s green card marriage to a man she met on Tinder. “They were screaming things like, ‘Fuck this family, fuck Buzz, and fuck Kevin!!!!’” Yikes!
After escaping from prison last year, Harry and Marv have reportedly been spotted in Ibiza of all places. An insider claims to have seen the two “partying with Jonathan Cheban” on the island paradise. “They both had beards, so I couldn’t tell at first,” he continued, “but when Harry started waving his hands to Justin Bieber’s ‘Sorry,’ I noticed the M on his palm.” The source claims his suspicions were confirmed when Harry began hitting Marv in the shins with a crowbar after he got the lyrics wrong.
And Also:
- The neighborhood’s pizza deliveryman was caught driving drunk.
- Uncle Frank left Mr. Chow without tipping.
- Bird Lady was arrested after throwing dead pigeons at tourists in Times Square.
- Joe Pesci is acting like a “diva” on the set of Angels With Truly Disgusting Souls.
- Linnie is what the French call, “knocked up and single again.”
Grade: B (You go to Ibiza with Jonathan Cheban.)
Christmas Vacation
BOMBSHELL EXCLUSIVE: ARE THE GRISWOLDS TRAFFICKING CHILDREN?
This one is unbelievable, folks, so pour a little hot chocolate in your cup of peppermint schnapps before reading. In an exclusive interview, an anonymous woman is claiming that Clark and Ellen Griswold have been involved in a decades-long child trafficking ring that involves them parading children as their own in the months leading up to their forced emigration.
Said the source, “Every few months, they receive a new pair of children that they pass off as their children, Audrey and Rusty, while the higher-ups plan their routes out of the country.” And, the source notes, the Griswolds receive $100,000 per pair of children trafficked—which means they could have made up to $4,000,000 since beginning the operation. “They have to pretend to be middle class—needing Christmas bonus money for pools and whatnot,” the source continued. “But trust me, they’re loaded. With both cash and pure evil.” Ruh roh!
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