Welcome back to Midweek Madness, your friendly neighborhood tabloid round-up. We do the tough job of “reading” Star, In Touch, Life & Style, Us and Ok!, so you don’t “have” to. This week: Britney’s “new life” consists of going through the motions like a zombie; Brad Pitt has been “caught” appearing in the same movie as a young, single actress; Katie Holmes and Kate Middleton are sharing a wardrobe; and heavily pregnant Mariah Carey is posing nude, draped by a golden sheet. Stars! They’re just like us!
Ok!
“More Teen Mom Babies”
The coverline “Who’s pregnant with triplets!” may lead you to believe that one of the Teen Moms is expecting three babies. But actually, it’s Jenelle’s happily married sister Ashleigh — who is not a teen. She is, however, moving in with Jenelle and her mom because her husband is being deployed to Iraq. Meanwhile, Leah might have another kid someday, because her husband wants a boy to go hunting with (why not take the girls?). But Leah is not currently pregnant or planning to be pregnant any time soon. Moving on! Justin Timberlake and Olivia Wilde had a “cozy date” at a club in Hollywood last week and “snuggled up” in the VIP section. She is, apparently, “totally his type.” Kingston and Gavin Rossdale were at a playground when Kingston started talking to lady — he’s clearly a future pick-up artist! Britney Spears has some “bizarre” tour rules: No smoking, no drinking, no looking Brit in the eye, don’t ask questions and be prepared to drop everything if Brit wants or needs you. Finally, the mag claims that Prince William’s wedding to Kate Middleton will cost $34 million — $32 million of which will be spent on security, police and bodyguards. They’ll be charging double, since it’s a bank holiday. God save the princess.
Grade: F (deathbed photoshoot)
In Touch
“Torn Apart By Another Woman”
You may read the coverline “Caught with sexy Playmate Jessica Hall” and the words “making out” and think that Hank is the one who was spotted with another woman. Instead, it was Kendra! Jessica and Kendra are friends, and they were in Vegas, partying, drinking, etc. — when they engaged in “full-on raunchy make-out sessions” in front of completely civilized bar patrons, whose monocles promptly popped out of their eyes. Hank is angry that Kendra can’t seem to help making a spectacle of herself. That’s why Hank didn’t show up for Kendra’s Dancing With The Stars results show. Who was there? Jessica Hall. Britney is being “cotrolled” by her team — they’re shielding her from the public, trying to re-manufacture her image, and so on. She wanted to write a tell-all memoir, but her people ixnayed that right quick. Katie Holmes has a “split personality!” She’s a mere shell of herself around Tom Cruise, but when he’s gone, she’s bubbly and all smiles. Katy Perry and Russell Brad are being “torn apart” by jealousy and distance. All the traveling, touring and movie promotion is hard on their marriage, and they’re both exhausted. They’ve been arguing about Katy’s partying, because Russell is squeaky clean and sober right now, but she drinks and smokes when he’s not around. The “Kingston Is A Ladies’ Man” story here comes with three different photos of the four-year-old romancing three different ladies, and Tobey Maguire’s daughter Ruby is one of them. Gwen Stefani admits that Britney Spears lives on their street and Kingston “flirts with her.” Angelina’s new tattoo consists of geographical coordinates for the latitude and longitude of Brad’s birthplace in Oklahoma. “It’s more serious than a wedding ring for her,” says a source. Hot right now: Men with Ginger Beards. (see Fig. 1). Courteney Cox and Josh Hopkins are in a “risky new romance,” if you care. Scarlett Johansson is “blinded by love.” She’s “turned into a puddle of insecurity” and become infatuated with Sean Penn, “the one man she might not be able to pin down.” Mila Kunis asked her agents for a movie she could do with James Franco, and now they’re in Oz The Great & Powerful together. Because she likes him. An insider claims, “They’ve been hooking up on and off for months.” We skipped the story about Audrina being skinny. Teen Mom‘s Jenelle “is not the terrible person the cameras make her out to be,” says Jennelle’s sister Ashleigh. Lady Gaga is “exhausted” from touring and sleeps “like 2 hours a night.” And the people she’s been hanging out with backstage are “getting more and more bohemian,” whatever that means. Perhaps it’s a euphemism for doing drugs? Lastly: Paris Hilton is not pregnant, but she is on “bump watch” because she dared to have a curve in her abdomen — and wear a dress with “a noticeably looser waistband.” Britney Spears also has a curve to her abdomen — and allegedly interviewed a baby nurse — so she’s on bump watch, too.
Grade: D- (funeral photoshoot)
Star
“Brad Caught!”
Bella Heathcoate, an actress with long hair and “plump lips” who looks nothing like Angelina Jolie, but is being called an Angelina look-alike, is in mob drama Cogan’s Trade with Brad Pitt. Like many of us, she saw Brad half-naked in Troy, and thought it was hot. Since she said she wished she could be in a similar scene with Brad, the magazine is calling this a “nude scandal” on the cover. VERY MISLEADING. We’re not sure if these two even have scenes together, but a source says: “Everyone can tell she’s so Brad’s type. Their chemistry is going to be off the charts.” So they may not have even MET yet? But! Angie knows Brad COULD fall for her, since she’s fresh meat, and he has a habit of falling for his costars. Meanwhile, the Jolie-Pitt kids are “in chaos.” As usual. Pax and Maddox fight and throw tantrums, Zahara cut up a $4,000 Valentino gown, because it was too long and she’s “unwilling to wait until she grows up to wear haute couture”; Shiloh hit Knox and pushed him down while playing soldier, and Knox and Viv “have been caught in the crossfire” of the other kids and have to be kept in a separate part of their house “for their own safety.” Hilarious. Moving on. In “Knifestyles,” we learn that Fergie spent $30,000 on transforming her face. (see Fig. 2) Botox, chemical peel, laser resurfacing, etc. Sheryl Crow’s been freshened up, too, and the mag actually printed the following sentence: “She put the crow in crow’s feet.” There’s a separate piece called “What’s Wrong With Lindsay’s Face?” in which a plastic surgeon who has not treated Lindsay says some mean stuff about her. A source claims: “She looks 44, not 24.” Oh, look! Katie Holmes and Kate Middleton dress alike! (see Fig. 3). Scarlett Johansson’s mom Melanie is not happy about this Sean Penn situation: “Melanie thinks Scarlett is making a huge mistake,” allegedly, and Sean’s 20-year-old daughter Dylan also disapproves of the match. Charlize Theron and Keanu Reeves have been secretly dating, but will “make their debut as a couple” as they move to the UK in a few weeks. Gwyneth Paltrow and Matthew Morrison had a “secret date night” at a restaurant in London — having a great night dancing, laughing, getting cozy — and then Matt tried to slump down in a cab as he left so the paparazzi wouldn’t catch him — hence the picture of him lying down on a backseat. A source says that they are “hot for each other,” and it was even obvious while they were filming Glee! Here’s a story for ya: “It seemed like Shania Twain finally got her happy ending with her new hubby Frédéric Thiebaud. But there’s one thing missing — a baby.” Britney Spears is “on the brink,” and a source says of her recent performances, “It feels like she’s going through the motions.” Someone else says: “Britney can barely put on a show anymore. But her handlers keep telling her how great and how hot she is. It’s like she lives in this weird little bubble.” Plus, she’s been on so many anti-anxiety meds for so long, “she’s like a zombie.”
Grade: D (rehab photoshoot)