This Week In Tabloids: Mariah Carey Is Pregnant & Nude

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, your friendly neighborhood tabloid round-up. We do the tough job of “reading” Star, In Touch, Life & Style, Us and Ok!, so you don’t “have” to. This week: Britney’s “new life” consists of going through the motions like a zombie; Brad Pitt has been “caught” appearing in the same movie as a young, single actress; Katie Holmes and Kate Middleton are sharing a wardrobe; and heavily pregnant Mariah Carey is posing nude, draped by a golden sheet. Stars! They’re just like us!

Ok!
“More Teen Mom Babies”
The coverline “Who’s pregnant with triplets!” may lead you to believe that one of the Teen Moms is expecting three babies. But actually, it’s Jenelle’s happily married sister Ashleigh — who is not a teen. She is, however, moving in with Jenelle and her mom because her husband is being deployed to Iraq. Meanwhile, Leah might have another kid someday, because her husband wants a boy to go hunting with (why not take the girls?). But Leah is not currently pregnant or planning to be pregnant any time soon. Moving on! Justin Timberlake and Olivia Wilde had a “cozy date” at a club in Hollywood last week and “snuggled up” in the VIP section. She is, apparently, “totally his type.” Kingston and Gavin Rossdale were at a playground when Kingston started talking to lady — he’s clearly a future pick-up artist! Britney Spears has some “bizarre” tour rules: No smoking, no drinking, no looking Brit in the eye, don’t ask questions and be prepared to drop everything if Brit wants or needs you. Finally, the mag claims that Prince William’s wedding to Kate Middleton will cost $34 million — $32 million of which will be spent on security, police and bodyguards. They’ll be charging double, since it’s a bank holiday. God save the princess.
Grade: F (deathbed photoshoot)

In Touch
“Torn Apart By Another Woman”
You may read the coverline “Caught with sexy Playmate Jessica Hall” and the words “making out” and think that Hank is the one who was spotted with another woman. Instead, it was Kendra! Jessica and Kendra are friends, and they were in Vegas, partying, drinking, etc. — when they engaged in “full-on raunchy make-out sessions” in front of completely civilized bar patrons, whose monocles promptly popped out of their eyes. Hank is angry that Kendra can’t seem to help making a spectacle of herself. That’s why Hank didn’t show up for Kendra’s Dancing With The Stars results show. Who was there? Jessica Hall. Britney is being “cotrolled” by her team — they’re shielding her from the public, trying to re-manufacture her image, and so on. She wanted to write a tell-all memoir, but her people ixnayed that right quick. Katie Holmes has a “split personality!” She’s a mere shell of herself around Tom Cruise, but when he’s gone, she’s bubbly and all smiles. Katy Perry and Russell Brad are being “torn apart” by jealousy and distance. All the traveling, touring and movie promotion is hard on their marriage, and they’re both exhausted. They’ve been arguing about Katy’s partying, because Russell is squeaky clean and sober right now, but she drinks and smokes when he’s not around. The “Kingston Is A Ladies’ Man” story here comes with three different photos of the four-year-old romancing three different ladies, and Tobey Maguire’s daughter Ruby is one of them. Gwen Stefani admits that Britney Spears lives on their street and Kingston “flirts with her.” Angelina’s new tattoo consists of geographical coordinates for the latitude and longitude of Brad’s birthplace in Oklahoma. “It’s more serious than a wedding ring for her,” says a source. Hot right now: Men with Ginger Beards. (see Fig. 1). Courteney Cox and Josh Hopkins are in a “risky new romance,” if you care. Scarlett Johansson is “blinded by love.” She’s “turned into a puddle of insecurity” and become infatuated with Sean Penn, “the one man she might not be able to pin down.” Mila Kunis asked her agents for a movie she could do with James Franco, and now they’re in Oz The Great & Powerful together. Because she likes him. An insider claims, “They’ve been hooking up on and off for months.” We skipped the story about Audrina being skinny. Teen Mom‘s Jenelle “is not the terrible person the cameras make her out to be,” says Jennelle’s sister Ashleigh. Lady Gaga is “exhausted” from touring and sleeps “like 2 hours a night.” And the people she’s been hanging out with backstage are “getting more and more bohemian,” whatever that means. Perhaps it’s a euphemism for doing drugs? Lastly: Paris Hilton is not pregnant, but she is on “bump watch” because she dared to have a curve in her abdomen — and wear a dress with “a noticeably looser waistband.” Britney Spears also has a curve to her abdomen — and allegedly interviewed a baby nurse — so she’s on bump watch, too.
Grade: D- (funeral photoshoot)

Star
“Brad Caught!”
Bella Heathcoate, an actress with long hair and “plump lips” who looks nothing like Angelina Jolie, but is being called an Angelina look-alike, is in mob drama Cogan’s Trade with Brad Pitt. Like many of us, she saw Brad half-naked in Troy, and thought it was hot. Since she said she wished she could be in a similar scene with Brad, the magazine is calling this a “nude scandal” on the cover. VERY MISLEADING. We’re not sure if these two even have scenes together, but a source says: “Everyone can tell she’s so Brad’s type. Their chemistry is going to be off the charts.” So they may not have even MET yet? But! Angie knows Brad COULD fall for her, since she’s fresh meat, and he has a habit of falling for his costars. Meanwhile, the Jolie-Pitt kids are “in chaos.” As usual. Pax and Maddox fight and throw tantrums, Zahara cut up a $4,000 Valentino gown, because it was too long and she’s “unwilling to wait until she grows up to wear haute couture”; Shiloh hit Knox and pushed him down while playing soldier, and Knox and Viv “have been caught in the crossfire” of the other kids and have to be kept in a separate part of their house “for their own safety.” Hilarious. Moving on. In “Knifestyles,” we learn that Fergie spent $30,000 on transforming her face. (see Fig. 2) Botox, chemical peel, laser resurfacing, etc. Sheryl Crow’s been freshened up, too, and the mag actually printed the following sentence: “She put the crow in crow’s feet.” There’s a separate piece called “What’s Wrong With Lindsay’s Face?” in which a plastic surgeon who has not treated Lindsay says some mean stuff about her. A source claims: “She looks 44, not 24.” Oh, look! Katie Holmes and Kate Middleton dress alike! (see Fig. 3). Scarlett Johansson’s mom Melanie is not happy about this Sean Penn situation: “Melanie thinks Scarlett is making a huge mistake,” allegedly, and Sean’s 20-year-old daughter Dylan also disapproves of the match. Charlize Theron and Keanu Reeves have been secretly dating, but will “make their debut as a couple” as they move to the UK in a few weeks. Gwyneth Paltrow and Matthew Morrison had a “secret date night” at a restaurant in London — having a great night dancing, laughing, getting cozy — and then Matt tried to slump down in a cab as he left so the paparazzi wouldn’t catch him — hence the picture of him lying down on a backseat. A source says that they are “hot for each other,” and it was even obvious while they were filming Glee! Here’s a story for ya: “It seemed like Shania Twain finally got her happy ending with her new hubby Frédéric Thiebaud. But there’s one thing missing — a baby.” Britney Spears is “on the brink,” and a source says of her recent performances, “It feels like she’s going through the motions.” Someone else says: “Britney can barely put on a show anymore. But her handlers keep telling her how great and how hot she is. It’s like she lives in this weird little bubble.” Plus, she’s been on so many anti-anxiety meds for so long, “she’s like a zombie.”
Grade: D (rehab photoshoot)

Us
“My New Life.”
This six-page exclusive with Britney Spears doesn’t have a lot of interesting info. She talks about her kids, and their interests — they like to watch her dance, and will join in with their own moves — and stuff like that. Yawn. Moving on: Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were spotted holding hands and looking happy on March 31 — she is reconsidering the split! They’re going to couples therapy and “working on it.” Kate Walsh’s ’70s party looks awesome, our invitation must have gotten lost in the mail (see Fig. 4). Taylor Swift had a “low-key” dinner with Garrett Hedlund from Country Strong and boy is he hot. Hot hot hot. Jake Gyllenhaal has been going on “secret dates,” one with Jessica Lowndes from 90210, and one with “a Taylor Swift lookalike.” Courteney Cox and Josh Hopkins were in St. Barts on April 1, and were spotted “cuddling on a lounge chair,” but “trying their best to hide it.” But! They are definitely a couple. The mag actually called Hopkins’ father Larry, a former congressman from Kentucky, and got this quote from him: “They are having a great time.” Finally, Russell Brand is always good for some quips: When asked about wearing George Clooney’s Batman uniform in Arthur, he said: “Yes, I liked wearing it — it had Clooney musk in it. I absorbed his pheremones and I’m feeling more altruistic. So if anyone needs help, I am ready.”
Grade: C- (post-incarceration photoshoot)

Life & Style
“All About The Babies!”
What we have here are three gauzy, unfocused, weird pictures of Mariah Carey and her pregnant belly. (See Fig. 5) It’s unclear whether or not the pictures were taken AT a photo shoot Mariah did or whether these ARE the photos from the photoshoot — each image is from a slightly remote angle, as though there might be another photographer in the room. And the lighting is just… bad. Mariah did speak with the magazine, and says: “I was feeling very vulnerable about taking pictures at all right now, but then I didn’t want to miss this opportunity to document this once in a lifetime experience.” She also says: “My ultimate goal was to share this incredibly personal moment with my true fans.” And! “The babies were kicking almost the entire time; it was unbelievable. Especially the girl — she’s clearly a diva in training!” Mariah is working on how she will integrate the twins into her home — which already boasts SIX Jack Russell terriers. Since she’s usually very busy, traveling, performing, on tour, etc. — staying at home for 5 months has been a big adjustment. Sounds like she’s on bed rest? But just not saying so? Anyway, Nick says: “I feel like I’ll have to be the one who’s like, ‘Ok, there is no reason for you to have a cell phone at 5 years old.’ Mariah is much more of a free spirit, so the kids will probably get more out of her.” Lastly, MC states: “Now I have so much respect for mothers everywhere, especially those who’ve had difficult pregnancies or given birth to multiples. We need to have Mother’s Day once a week!” Next: Brad Pitt is building a panic room in the chateau in France, because he’s worried about his family’s security, and they plan to move there permanently. The walls have bullet-proof ballistic fiberglass and there’s an air filtration and ventilation system to protect against chemical, biological and nuclear contaminants. Apocalypto! The “truth” about Britney’s comeback? She’s “robotic” and “zombielike” and can’t dance like she used to; her career is being carefully controlled; she’s not allowed to have her own cellphone; and she’s still on lots of meds. Sigh. J-Woww is ready to be a mom! She says: “Hopefully I”ll be able to settle down and have kids in the next couple of years — maybe even the beginning of next year.” And! She doesn’t see herself going to the Shore in the next five years or so. Finally, a Burning Question We Have Seen Somewhere Before: Is Katie Holmes stealing Kate Middleton’s style? (see Fig. 6)
Grade: C (pregnancy photoshoot)

Addendum:

Fig. 1

Fig. 2, from Star

Fig. 3, from Star

Fig. 4, from Us

Fig. 5, from Life & Style

Fig. 6, from Life & Style