Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers is reporting live from Elton John’s private plane as we soar through the skies on our way to Ibiza. Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are here too, and we have a caravan of approximately 15 empty airliners accompanying us on the journey. After a tortuous summer news cycle and many years spent bullying celebrities, I finally decided to sell out and enjoy the ride.

I’m joking, of course. But if these famous people don’t give us something to gossip about soon, who knows what I might do! Let’s dive in.

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Photo: Star

Star:

According to a new report from Star, Jennifer Aniston is fine and recovering from three days and two nights in Cabo with her ex-husband Brad Pitt. (Never mind that they’ve been divorced for a decade and she repeatedly shot down rumors that she’s rekindled their romance.) Regardless, “friends” tell the magazine it was “Sexier than they ever imagined. [...] It was like 1999 all over again.” That specific year, I’m told, also involved secluded waterfalls and private chefs. Fun! Jen’s publicist, meanwhile, denies the trip took place. On the other side of the planet, girl-about-town Cressida Bonas is yet again making headlines for allegedly causing a rift in the Sussex marriage. As the socialite and famous ex-girlfriend’s wedding to Harry Wentworth-Stanley looms closer, royal tipsters claim:

Meghan’s jealous. She’s convinced Harry’s exes still have the hots for him And despite his efforts to reassure her that he’d never look at another woman, she’s saying that at least for now, she’s refusing to attend the wedding.”

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While I highly doubt that a British royal passionately defending his recently pregnant wife for her private plane usage would seriously consider a scandalous affair with an engaged ex-girlfriend, we’re also experiencing a press cycle hinging on a jet to Ibiza. Stranger things have happened!

Elsewhere, anthropomorphic clip-in hair extension Scheana Shay posed with a dog and Jared Leto wore a hat in Italy. Matthew McCounaughey is now a “professor” at the University of Texas’ department of radio, television, and film. Christina Hendricks shopped. Debbie Rowe and Paris Jackson are “closer than ever.” Brenda Song and Macaulay Culkin rode roller coasters. Constance Wu’s bangs made a red carpet debut. Owen Wilson donned a fedora in Malibu. Justin Bieber rode a motorcycle. There’s also an interesting item concerning Kim Kardashian’s alleged “BFF contract.” According to a source, the model and political consultant is passing around NDAs to friends like La La Anthony because “she’s paranoid about having a basic conversation with them.” Sounds like a good time! What else?

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  • Dakona Fanning absolutely wore it better than Nicky Hilton Rothschild.
  • Amy Schumer is a Virgo.
  • The Rock’s “dream honeymoon” allegedly cost $1 million.
  • Ray J and Princess Love are pregnant.
  • Bachelorette somebodies Rachel Lindsay and Bryan Abosolo posed for the paparazzi.
  • Julianne Hough was the centerpiece in a spread about dark circles and puffiness.
Photo: Ok!

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Ok!:

According to various sources, Reese Witherspoon does not spoil her daughter because of “southern values.” Sure! We’ve finally arrived at the cycle in this celebrity offspring’s life when the tabloids begin incessantly documenting her “homespun values” and “blossoming into womanhood.” In another world, I’d ask you to wake me up when it’s over. In this particular one, however, I get paid to do the opposite. Moving on, I’m told Ryan Gosling would “really like a shot” at starring in a Marvel movie, with the source adding, “Ryan has probably turned down $30 million worth of work so far” in his quest to do just that. Great plan! Weirder, tipsters allege that Jodie Foster has intervened in Kristen Stewart “string of romantic flings” and excessive partying:

“She took Kristen under her wing when they starred in Panic Room. Jodie’s urged her to stop drinking and chain smoking and ease up on the over-the-top PDA too. Jodie’s only gotten involved because she cares about Kristen and is concerned her talent is being stifled by what’s going on in her personal life. Kristen doesn’t respect too many people in this business, but Jodie is one of them.”

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Why any working actor would feel the need to take their on-screen child under their wing, and maintain that relationship for nearly 18 years, is beyond me. Were Kristen’s parents involved in that decision? Regardless, I’m more perturbed by the source’s homophobia being passed over as concern. “Ease up on the over-the-top PDA” sounds a lot like the executives that told the actress to stop holding her girlfriend’s hand if she wanted a job!

Meanwhile, Brian Austin Green and Tori Spelling are allegedly “crossing the line” and Audrina Patridge is the “new queen of The Hills.” (Sadly, it’s “all going to her head.” Cameron Diaz’s “clique” now includes Lucy Liu and Ginnifer Goodwin. David Spade is having trouble finding famous friends willing to appear on his late-night talk show. Adriana Lima wore sequins. John Travolta signed autographs. Jerry O’Connell demanded his picture be taken. And, thankfully, sources claim Miley Cyrus and Kaitlynn Carter “are the real deal.” Good for them!

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Us Weekly:

I don’t think I have it in me this week to indulge Aunt Becky’s emotional turmoil! Regardless, tipsters in the family’s orbit tell Us Weekly that white collar criminals Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli (of the Target Giannullis) are considering divorce after the latter convinced the former to take a private jet to their court appearances. Per the tabloid: “Mossimo insisted, saying it would be a ‘zoo’ if they flew commercial.” An interesting way to telegraph your disdain for the working class, dude! There’s also an interesting image taken on the Van Nuys airport after their August 28th court appearance. A distraught Lori Loughlin is seen clutching a wide-brimmed hat and yelling at her husband.

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Screenshot: Us Weekly Magazine

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In more important news, Alison Brie was photographed and everyone’s wearing mustard yellow. Cardi B wore it better than Cate Blanchett, Becky G showed up to an event, and Original Flavor Jessie J Jenna Dewan wore a sundress to Barnes & Noble. Despite owning multiple homes across the planet, Anderson Cooper claimed he’d move in with Kelly Ripa. Timothée Chalamet offered alternate pronunciations for his name: “Doug, Alex, Rick.” Kate Beckinsale opened up about wanting to lick the back of Isla Fisher’s knees. Pete Davidson is “allegedly” dating Margaret Qualley. Noah Schnapp played the Nintendo Switch. Alicia Keys hosted a party. “Recently single Jamie Foxx [sang] in spanish for the crowd during the Sofitel hotel’s salsa night in Beverly Hills.” Anne Burrell keeps a pair of Converse in her Salvatore Ferragamo tote bag. Paris Hilton flirted with KJ Apa at a house party in the hills. And, in breaking news, Beyoncé was seen with a 20 feet of hair and a horse at Pier 59 Studios in NYC. Good shit! We’ll soon be ending our summer art series at Midweek Madness, so for now, enjoy this next piece: “Angry White Collar Criminals With Hats.”