Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness. Local menace Joan Summers has gone deep undercover while tracking the movements of Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello (two people that are definitely dating and very much in love.) I’m currently barricaded in the penthouse suite of a Motel 6. Hooded figures—who I believe to be undercover stans sent by the pop pair’s management—have slashed my tires and stationed themselves at the hotel’s only exit. If this is my last dispatch, please tell my loved ones that I did it all for the blog.

As for this week’s tabloids? Let’s dive in!

In Touch:

In Touch has thankfully offered its readers a life raft while the world crumbles around us. Like most people, I’ve spent what little free time I have tracking the developing story around Gigi Hadid, a Bachelor jawline, and Hannah Brown’s reality competition dating show comedown.

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I reported last week that Bachelorette runner-up Tyler Cameron was spotted by nefarious tipsters leaving Hannah Brown’s house around 10 a.m. after a dinner date the night before. Two days later, he was posted up with Gigi Hadid at Soho House in NYC—a place well known to mid-tier reality television contestants who wish to remain private about their love lives! I’m unsure if Brown is a particularly spiteful person, but she might have reason to celebrate if Cameron is confirmed as the next Bachelor. According to friends “close” to the Cameron’s jawline, “[The Bachelor’s] a great opportunity but it comes with a lot of responsibility.” My suggestion for the women? Instead of fighting—take a page from Miley Cyrus’ playbook and flee to Lake Como!

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Moving on: Elizabeth Banks stepped out in a gown, Emma Roberts wore jeans, and a Love Island contestant was photographed. Chrissy Teigen “went a little blond for the summer.” Kelly McGillis wondered if her age and weight were the reason Tom Cruise did not ask her back for the Top Gun remake. Alex Rodriguez revealed that Jennifer Lopez hasn’t driven in 25 years. Iggy Azalea ate a $64 grilled cheese. After polling a swath of readers, In Touch concluded that 96 percent of the people in this country find Armie Hammer’s feet disgusting. Lena Dunham, accidentally mistaking her Twitter feed for her sex diary, wrote: “It’s not every day I get to wear a mumu, go barefoot, flirt with Brad Pitt, and join a cult as a job.”

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Elsewhere in Los Angeles, James Van Der Beek flexed in a tank top and Adam Levine flaunted his braided mohawk down the Sunset strip. Second-string Andy Cohen impersonator Jerry O’Connell kissed first-string Andy Cohen impersonator Andy Cohen while promoting his new talk show. Jerry O—which premiered on August 12—is not to be confused with his recently failed Bravo show Play by Play. Having read Megan Reynolds’s excellent analysis of summer delicatessen, Melissa Gorga chomped on a chocolate flavored, king size Drumstick. Keanu Reeves flaunted his belt (and happy trail) with an Under Armor crop top while filming Bill & Ted Face the Music. Kelly Killoren Bensimon took a break from partying with Mastercard to pose on some fake rocks. As for Kate Middleton’s plans to reshape the British monarchy? Her “middle class” background gives her an “outsider’s perspective on improving and modernizing” British society. This could mean the reintroduction of the guillotine as a staple tool of the working class, or more palace selfies. Time will tell!

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After resurfaced photos from Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello’s Miami “vacation” rocked my otherwise pleasant Tuesday afternoon, I’m left with a staggering amount of questions. The two singers—who are definitely in love and not being directed via earpiece—were caught in a “passionate” kiss as their “Señorita” music video hit 300 million views.

  • Did their homeschooling programs skip on anatomy lessons?
  • What does Shawn Mendes’ mustache stubble taste like?
  • Were they floating with the air bubbles trapped in his impossibly small swim trunks?
  • Is he tall enough to touch the bottom of the pool with his feet?
  • What conditioning treatment did she use for her hair and skin to recover the moisture stolen by chlorine and his allegedly dry elbows?

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As fellow G/O Media comrade Emily Lipstein noted: “This is the scene from Showgirls.”

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Praying for them! What else?

  • Celine Dion expanded her tiny sunglasses collection.
  • Bradley Cooper was photographed “smooching” Anna Wintour.
  • Priscilla Presley continues to wage a secret war against Lisa Marie Presley’s “tell all” memoir.
  • Sources claim Wendy William’s Lifetime biopic will include her falling out with Mariah Carey.
  • Even though Mario Lopez finally apologized for his horrific comments about trans children, tipsters claim he did it at the behest of handlers.
  • “Real Housewives stars and other celebs schmoozed at the LaCroix Sparkling Water presents Hot in The Hamptons by Ticket2Events at the Thomas Halsey Homestead.”
  • Kellogg’s spokeswoman Vanessa Williams joined Penguin Random House for their annual Feeding Reading program.
  • Mischa Barton’s favorite Ben & Jerry’s flavor? “Everything But The…”

This week’s blind item targets either Leonardo DiCaprio or Brad Pitt. You decide!

This A-lister is doing tons of press for his new movie, but little does everyone know he hates the film. He has to keep his mouth shut, though—not only is he friends with the director, but he’s also a shoo-in for another best actor Oscar nomination.

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Star:

It’s been some time since we checked in with Star! The big story this week concerns Lady Gaga’s alleged fabrication of a romance with Dan Horton after the the pair were seen kissing in Studio City on July 28. According to tipsters, the outdoor patio they displayed themselves in wasn’t immediately available! They had to sit in a nearby Lemonade chain to wait for an opening. When they were finally seated, Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Germonatta could be seen straddling the sound engineer as an onlooking paparazzi paid his rent for months. The resulting photos could be read two ways: either the vessel of Lina Morgana has finally found love after multiple failed engagements, or she’s created a dastardly plan to ruin Bradley Jackson Maine Cooper’s life. Star believes it’s the latter.

Some speculated that the date was just a ploy to make Bradley jealous. A source told Star: “Gaga knows how to play the game. She’s dating Dan in a bid to make Bradley realize what he’s missing!

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It’s moments like this when I miss The Ivy most! Tipsters also claim that Lisa Marie Presley’s aformentioned memoir will contain the truth about “her family, Scientology, her addiction demons, her famous father, mom Priscilla, plus never-told secrets about her marriages to Michael Jackson and Nicolas Cage. Ominous! Worse, I’m informed that Selena Gomez’ friendship is “over” with kidney donor Francia Raisa. Nefarious spies speculate that after Selena “reportedly vowed to change her lifestyle” after the harrowing surgery, Raisa saw her alleged relapse as a betrayal. As Star writes, “Selena doesn’t know if she can ever really be a part of Francia’s life again.” Sure!

This next exclusive might burn your eyebrows off, so take care when reading:

While she continued posting premade Instagram stories from her recent Turks and Caicos trip to promote her skincare line with baby Stormi and girlfriends, Kylie Jenner was actually shaking literal booty on another coast—at a strip club in L.A.

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What a journey! A cabal of influencers were seen with the Fit Tea ambassador, like Youtuber Toddy Smith and new best friend Stassie Karanikolaou. Elsewhere, Camila Cabello “mingled with a group of friends at Avenue Los Angeles” and Eva Longoria attended the HollyRod Foundation 21st DesignCare Gala. P!nk posed with an ironic t-shirt, Haley Duff came out as a Michael Angelo’s frozen lasagna spokeswoman, and Harry Styles paired khakis with a beret. While Tina Fey “popped a squat,” Vinny Guadagnino “unleashed the big guns for his return to Chippendales.” On a surprisingly helpful note, Star carved some time from its busy editorial calendar to selectively label the meaningless actions of celebrities as “Normal or Not.” Not Normal: Heidi Montag going live on Instagram while in spin class. Normal: Goldie Hawn blowing into a plastic produce bag at a Brentwood grocery store and Kelly Rowland posing with wicker baskets outside the container store. Thanks for clarifying!

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If the mere mention of Scarlet Johanson and Colin Jost’s cursed romance haunts your nightly sleep paralysis marathons—please stop reading. “Insiders” claim that the pair are busy planning the cultic rituals masquerading as their wedding. Their venue, which has potentially been finalized, will be a “huge soiree at a plush hotel rooftop” with a “glorious view of Manhattan.” Unfortunately, the couple and the friend’s leaking their personal information have remained tight lipped on who will act as the required sacrifice to the Rat King of Manhattan. Bummer! To end on a high note, I figured we plunge ourselves into the anals of history and remember the many famous people that once worked for other famous people before they were famous people!

  • Kim Kardashian West was Paris Hilton’s closet organizer while the hotel heiress filmed The Simple Life in 2003. Other clients included Cindy Crawford, Serena Williams, and Rob Lowe. (Imagine if Kanye West hadn’t burned all her clothes!)
  • Speaking of hotel heiresses, Bethenny Frankel was hired to drive Paris and Nicky Hilton too school, eventually joining their entourage of hired help as a nanny and chef.
  • Original Flavor Jessie J Jenna Dewan auditioned for Janet Jackson’s “Doesn’t Really Matter.” The audition landed her a two year stint as a dancer on the singer’s various tours. She also worked as Justin Timberlake’s backup dancer!
  • Mindy Kaling interned for Conan O’Brien in college.
  • Jennifer Garner babysat Stephen Colbert’s kids after he spotted her on an episode of ABC’s Spin City.
  • Allison Williams, daughter of well known news anchor Brian Williams, was handed a job as Tina Fey’s assistant during the summer she filmed the cursed flick Baby Mama.

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What else?

  • Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig are “hanging by a thread” after Craig suffered a minor ankle surgery—pray for them both.
  • Dua Lipa is a Leo.
  • According to her haters, Reese Witherspoon “works too much.” The real story? She really, really loves capitalism!
  • Elton John told Taron Egerton that if “he were five years younger, it would be me he was marrying” while the two filmed a wedding scene for the 2014 action flick, Kingsman.
  • Rumer Willis trawled the Studio City farmers’ market.
  • Why was Lily Aldridge wearing a denim jumpsuit on New York City’s hottest summer day?

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And that’s all I’ve got for you. Enjoy this week’s collage!