Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we try to write about the tabloids but get distracted by Kanye West tweets and Wikipedia updates that claim Wiz Khalifa is dead. This week, Katie and Jamie are 100% happening, Matthew Perry is 100% on drugs, and Miranda Lambert is 100% getting revenge on Blake Shelton.
OK!’s four-page coverage of Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx’s imaginary wedding begins with a headline typeset in beautiful script—giving the story an air of genuine romance that almost makes your forget this entire thing is based on a photo from March of the two holding hands in a recording studio. “Is that a game of footsie?” they ask after publishing the photo for the 13,000th time. Maybe it was a game of footsie! And maybe Katie and Jamie are getting married! But I don’t believe any of these details. They “started discussing” the wedding last month? They will marry “on the grounds of Jamie’s 17,000-square-foot” home? They will have “all their guests” spend the night? Tom has “given his blessing”? No. No to all of that! First of all, Katie and Jamie’s wedding would be anywhere but Jamie’s house. It’d be in the middle of nowhere. On an island. Only 50 people would come because Katie doesn’t have that many close friends and Jamie wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings by making the wedding exclusively his friends. Additionally, Tom would never give his blessing to this marriage. Never ever. Tom does not care about Katie Holmes! Tom does not care about Jamie Foxx! Tom does not care about anything other than his one true passion: being a movie star—something he is quite good at. (I’ve seen the newest Mission: Impossible movie twice! Like some kind of dummy!) Anyway, I don’t care about this wedding. Nope, no part of me is emotionally invested in these two. Not at all.
I’ve-Been-Waiting-For-This-Feud-To-Happen Alert!!! Insiders are saying Jennifer Lawrence and Brie Larson hate each other because they’re both critically acclaimed blonde actresses in their mid-twenties, and everyone knows that there can only be one of those at a time. At Hollywood Reporter’s Best Actress roundtable, sources say “Jen just didn’t hit it off with Brie” and that “Brie was a little uptight for her liking and that she couldn’t hang.” But wait wait wait wait. It gets better. “Brie’s always put Jen on a pedestal and looked up to her as an actress, but when she saw Jen’s true colors she thought differently...She thought Jen would be a great ally in the industry and has been left disappointed.” Finally! This has taken too long.
George and Amal Clooney live “separate lives.” Given that they are two different people who are both very successful in their two very different careers, this should be unsurprising. But because they are George and Amal Clooney, OK! is convinced it’s because “they can’t figure out a way to balance their careers and marriage.” George used to be attracted to how “strong-willed and stubborn” Amal is, but now it’s “starting to really wear on him.” Look. I think these two people are fine. Is it more of a friendly business relationship between two very busy and beautiful consenting adults than actual romance? Probably. But that’s fine! That’s Hollywood!
- Kristen Stewart and Alicia Cargile are married, even though everyone thinks they split up.
- Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts are splitting up, even though everyone thinks they’re fine.
- Lea Michele and Matthew Paetz are engaged, even though everyone is like, “Wait Lea Michele still exists? Who is Matthew Paetz? What? I need coffee.”
- Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris are seeing a marriage counselor.
- All of Marc Jacobs’s friends think “dark days are ahead” for him.
- Tori & Dean are both broke and jokes.
Grade: B- (You’re married to either George or Amal Clooney)
I’m not going to talk about the Duggars, so let’s move on. Nicole Richie had “her lawyers draw up documents to end her marriage to Joel Madden” because she’s “constantly paranoid” that he’s cheating on her, which reminds me of the SATC where Samantha breaks up with Richard for similar reasons while they’re in Atlantic City for Charlotte’s second 35th birthday. But anyway, back to Nicole and Joel—their marriage is a mess, and so is his brother’s. Sources say “the last six months” of Benji Madden and Cameron Diaz’s marriage has “been a disaster” because of Diaz’s fertility issues and Benji’s jealousy over his wife’s continued success. OK, I’m going to stop for one second and point out how dumbfounded I am every time both Nicole/Joel and Cameron/Benji are in the tabloids together. It’s like the the gods above tossed a pack of pop culture dice from 2001 into a Yahtzee cup, shook for a while, and dumped out those four names. “Them. Yes. In 2016, we will continue caring about them.”
Caitlyn Jenner is still working on that tell-all with Buzz Bissinger, and insiders claim she will “get even” with Kris Jenner by “exposing all her secrets.” Those secrets include, but are not limited to:
- “Kris knew that Bruce wanted to be a woman his entire life.”
Hmm, that’s actually the only secret they’re able to reveal. The story does end with this wonderful quote from an anonymous source, though. “Kris has a lot of enemies in this town. They may not all go on the record, but trust me, they will talk. This book is going to be a Hollywood bombshell.” I believe it! I believe all of it.
Hmmm, this issue suddenly got very shady! After two pages on Jennifer Aniston’s alleged plastic surgery, there’s another spread in which the old noses of celebrities are Photoshopped onto current photos:
Here’s are some great revelations from an interview with Kyle Richards:
- Mariah Carey’s wedding to That Billionaire will cost $50 million, which seems low.
- Gwen and Blake are recording an album together, which seems bad.
- Rumer Willis is a bad tipper, which seems...I don’t know what it seems, actually.
- I’m gonna need you all to wear Valentine Red this week.
- I’m gonna need you all to not wear Ruffled Crop Tops this week.
Grade: C+ (Tyra Banks is rude to you.)
Life & Style
Few things excite me more than the thought of Miranda Lambert plotting revenge against Blake Shelton. Not even the revenge itself! Just the plotting. Picture it: Miranda, alone in her living room, drinking whiskey, listening to Bonnie Raitt and Aretha Franklin while scribbling revenge ideas in a notepad. “Revenge body? Revenge nude photo leak?? Revenge baseball bat attack 2 car? Revenge poisoning? Revenge DYNAMITE??? Do I kno ne 1 with dynamite???” All are crossed out. Then, at the bottom of her list: “REVENGE BABYYY” is written in larger letters and circled several times. That’s right. Her actual revenge—the revenge Life & Style says she’s currently plotting—is having a baby with her new boytoy Anderson East. Miranda allegedly never wanted kids when she was married to Blake, and a friend says “she knows the news will get back to her ex and hurt him...Miranda thinks a pregnancy bombshell would leave him devastated.” Revenge Babies! Who knew?
Speaking of babies, Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth are going to have one! I know Love Babies are less exciting than Revenge Babies, and that the prospect of Miley Cyrus instagramming her baby bod is enough to make you want to delete Instagram from your phone, fly to Hawaii, and throw your phone into a volcano, but this is sort of nice! Right? I guess. Ugh, never mind. I tried caring about this but it didn’t work. Oh well!
- Teresa Giudice is leaving Joe. Has she forgotten that he’s technically about to leave her...to go to...prison?
- Someone from Shahs of Sunset, a show I didn’t realize was still on, is getting married.
- 60-year-old Bruce Willis wants to have a baby with his 37-year-old wife.
- Kim Kardashian’s post-baby diet/workout routines are reportedly not great for her health.
- Rihanna and Drake are “back on,” which—though almost certainly untrue—is something all of America has been wanting to be true for going on 2 years?
Grade: C- (You watch House of Lies, I guess.)
It sort of seems like Matthew Perry has fallen off the wagon. After he was the only Friends cast member who decided not to show up to a recent event honoring a famous TV director, his “inner circle” developed “concerns.” A source says “he’s closing himself off from loved ones”—potentially due to his alcoholism. Well. OK. Let’s move on.
Yeah, no, this issue is over. Let’s just look at this:
- Gaga has had more plastic surgery than you thought was humanly possible.
- Both Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are in different regions of the Kinsey scale than they claim.
- Oprah’s getting ready to host a new daytime talk show.
- 60-year-old Mel Gibson is about to propose to his 25-year-old girlfriend.
- Jessica Chastain is the love of Tom Hiddleston’s life.
Grade: F (Gwyneth finds out you ate cotton candy.)
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.