Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we go to our new magazine store, ask for the tabloids, get told they’re “not in yet,” take the train FOUR STOPS to the better, bigger, more reliable magazine store, buy the tabloids, take the train FOUR STOPS to get back to the office, read them while walking, and nearly get hit by a car.

This week, Leo finally found a model to make a Mrs., Angelina Jolie weighs 83 pounds, Jen and Sandy have new babies I guess, and being a sister wife is so, so, so unbelievably strange.

Happy Wednesday!


OK!

KELLY & LEO: ENGAGED

Well what do you know, after years of wading through blonde models with various noses, Leonardo DiCaprio has finally chosen one to be his bride! Her name is Kelly Rorhbach, she’s a model who’s known Leo for four months, and now they’re engaged. A source says Ms. Rorhbach is “incredibly smart” and that she “really understands Leo.” He does not seem like a very hard man to understand, if you ask me. No, Leo seems like the kind of man you can understand after about 10 seconds of staring at any photo of him in existence. Their wedding will likely be held at a CitiBike station.

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Oh, here’s something boring! OK has a bombshell reason Kaley Cuoco and Ryan Sweeting are getting a divorce. It’s because of...MONEY, which, OK. Surprise, I guess! Isn’t that one of the two or three reasons marriages usually end? A source says “they fought about finances all the time,” primarily because she contributed millions of dollars their finances and he contributed 0 dollars to their finances. Tough luck, kids.

Blake Shelton is “ready for love,” which sounds like something he probably says while drunk just before having sex. “I’m ready for love,” he announces with a droopy smirk before burping, pulling down his jeans and revealing his faded, pilly boxers. The article ends with an insert called “Blake’s Dating Profile” in which they call out a few “fun facts” about him that, by god, are actually fun! Did you know his favorite show is The Golden Girls? Or that his drink of choice is “vodka, hidden in his Starbucks on The Voice, of course.” “Of course”? Is that shade or was it just weirdly written?

And Also:

  • Rumer Willis is currently on Broadway as Roxie Hart in Chicago, and is acting like a “diva” backstage. “You name it, she’ll moan about it,” says one source.
  • Krysten Ritter is also a diva.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow moved in with Brad Falchuck, the co-creator of American Horror Story, which could be good news for next season.
  • Matt Damon has NEVER liked Jennifer Garner.
  • Bella and Gigi Hadid hate each other apparently, meanwhile I still don’t know which one’s which.
  • Daniel Craig has stopped being Bond because he wants to be with his wife more.
  • Kate Hudson and Nick Jonas are IN LOVE, which is the best news of the week.

Grade: C+ (Sex with Blake Shelton.)


InTouch

SISTER WIVES: DESTROYED BY A SECRET AFFAIR

In this In Touch “Exclusive” we learn that being a sister wife is fucking miserable. Honestly this story is so insane that I have to just give it to you straight, using as many direct quotes as possible.

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Meri, one of the sister wives from Sister Wives, had “gotten to know” a woman named Lindsay, and was under the impression that “she was the assistant to a man named Sam Coopersomeone with whom Meri carried on a secret and torrid online and phone affair for months (even though Meri now says they never met in person).” But, holy shit, the sister wife from Sister Wives was being catfished, because what she “didn’t realize” was that “there really is no Sam” and that Lindsey had made him up. Also, Lindsey wasn’t even her name! It’s Jackie Overton! This Jackie woman made up two people named Sam and Lindsey! Anyway, an insider says “this scandal has caused the whole family to implode,” which makes sense when you think about it. To make things even more bonkers, after hearing this wild story, InTouch reached out to Sam (reminder: he’s probably just Jackie Overton) who told them he would prove his identity on Skype. Guess what: he “failed to do so.” BUT WAIT. Hold your horses for just a second, because I’m not finished giving you a tour of this house of broken mirrors: Meri’s good friend Kendra claims she’s “talked” and “Skyped” with Sam! Kendra told In Touch, “He’s a dude, for sure.”

Why the hell is everyone messing with Meri, a sister wife from Sister Wives? And, more importantly, who the hell are any of these people?!

And Also:

  • Kate Hudson and Nick Jonas have “a huge amount of sexual chemistry,” and typing that made me feel so strange.
  • Kaley Cuoco is “always” moody.
  • Kris Jenner is a “secret smoker and hires people to buy cigarettes for her.”
  • EMILY DESCHANEL LIGHTENED HER HAIR.
  • Wear pale pink or I’ll make your eye pale black.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: A+ (That Sister Wives story was a wonderul visit to the funny farm.)


Life & Style

JEN & SANDRA: BRINGING HOME THEIR BABIES

I’m still on some kind of high from that bonkers Sister Wives story, but I’ll try to keep going. Little Louis Bullock is going to be a big brother soon, because Sandy B is adopting another kid. She thinks her new boyfriend Bryan Randall is great with kids, and that he’s “one of the most sensitive men she’s ever met.” Louis. Even. Calls him. Dad. In other baby news, Jennifer Aniston is about to announce her adoption. “After a year of planning,” she’s ready to bring her baby girl (it’s a girl, btw) home. Wouldn’t it be funny if there were a mix-up at the adoption agency and they BOTH adopted the SAME BABY and then they have to co-parent and it all gets adapted into an NBC sitcom? I think it would.

Judy Greer’s newest supporting role: handing out Lactaid lattes!

And Also:

  • Kanye wants to send Kim to finishing school,” which is something I didn’t know still exists.
  • The relationship between Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez was “a marriage kind of thing,” according to Bieber.
  • James Franco is addicted to playing games on his phone.
  • Jessica Simpson threatened to fire her parents if they keep bringing up rehab.
  • Drake and Serena are basically engaged.
  • The colors you need to wear this week are “marsala, oak buff, cashmere rose, and reflecting pond.” I dare you to guess what they look like.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D+ (You order a Lactaid latte but Judy Greer makes you one with whole milk.)


Star

BRAD’S DIVORCE ULTIMATUM: GET HELP!

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are “on the brink.” Angie is “in the grips of a grave health crisis related to her long-standing food issues” and, according to a few very trustworthy sources, the “situation has gotten so out of control that [Brad] has resorted to drastic measures to get her into treatment.” She’s “wasting away” and allegedly weighs only 83 pounds. Brad basically said, Look babe, either you get help or I’m divorcing you and taking the kids with me. Which, by the way, is another NBC sitcom. A-list movie star/single father of six kids? How wacky would that be? You know, as long as we ditched the subplot of the sick and suffering ex-wife. That’s not wacky at all.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the marriage fence, Kris Jenner and Corey Gamble are “talking marriage!” A source says “Kris randomly asked Corey if he would ever consider marrying her, and he immediately told her yes.” Do you think Corey Gamble has ever told Kris no? I don’t. Or, actually, I think he told Kris no once, felt the fiery wrath of Kris, and decided to never tell her no again. Anyhoo, they’re madly in love.

And Also:

  • Julia Roberts “saved” Emma Roberts and Evan Peters’s engagement.
  • Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth are probably going to get divorced soon.
  • Megan Fox thinks Brian Austin Green is faking an injury to get more spousal support.
  • Anne Hathaway is pregnant or something. Star illustrated this rumor with an arrow pointing to her stomach that said “BUMP OR BURGER?”
  • Gwen Stefani and Demi Moore because celebrity friendships are literally just famous people drawing other famous people out of a hat and saying, “Sure. Fine. Whatever. She’ll do.”

Wrong Answer:

Grade D- (You tell Kris Jenner no.)


Appendix:

Fig. 1 - In Touch

Fig. 2 - In Touch


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.