This Week in Tabloids: Lauren Conrad's Wedding Was Whimsical as Fuck
Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we attempt to cobble together meaning using the hot glue of human cognition after reading Star, Us Weekly, OK!, Life & Style and InTouch. This week, Lauren Conrad, a man and Pinterest were united in holy matrimony; Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are going to enjoy a snow-gilt wedding ceremony in Canada; and CHAVRIL IS ON THE ROCKS. Let’s have a look.
InTouch
PREGNANT AND HEADED TO PRISON
Teresa Giudice, the Real Housewife who is about to be sentenced after pleading guilty to fraud charges, is reportedly pregnant. ‘Kay. There are myriad reasons for her deciding to get pregnant now, says InTouch. One is that she wants a son. Another is that she could get a book deal for being pregnant in prison OR her own reality show deal (what a dream come true). On the negative side, pregnant women are treated deplorably in prison. This is a truly a gross story. In other news, the magazine attempted to decipher the gender of Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes’ baby by examining the overalls of a painter who visited their house for tell-tale nursery wall colors. The results were inconclusive. Good sleuthing attempt, though, I guess. Moving on: Justin Theroux loooooves Botox, but Jennifer Aniston is not allowed to use it because he thinks her face is “beautiful and iconic.” Who made him the goddamn forehead police? Next: Kim Kardashian is feuding with Beyoncé (I imagine Beyoncé does not care to feud back), and she thinks she’s really important because she won British GQ‘s Woman of the Year award, a made-up thing Beyoncé did not win. She also thinks Beyoncé is “fake.” Sure. Finally, Kendall Jenner is allegedly being bullied by fellow models, who put their cigarettes in her drink because they didn’t think it was fair that she was there. Uhhh. A lot of models are descended from famous humans; nepotism is a trend that NEVER GOES OUT. Maybe drinking cigs is a model trick none of us normals know about.
GRADE: F (a handmade merkin made from authentic human beard clippings)
Life & Style
DUMPED IN THE DELIVERY ROOM
Kourtney Kardashian, who is not scheduled to give birth until November, was not dumped in the delivery room. But, like, she could be! We don’t know the future! This article, like most tabloid articles on Kardashian Drama, mostly serves as a summary of their reality television program, which is nice because I haven’t been Keeping Up: Scott is having trouble with drinking and he is worried about all the responsibilities of being a new father, as he said on the teevee. Everyone is worried. The human condition is so frail and uncertain. Moving on: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are having a “HONEYMOON FROM HELL!” because they’re working on a movie together and the French locals are mad that they rented so many villas. Sounds disastrous. How will their relationship recover. Elsewhere in the magazine, Taylor Swift and Katy Perry’s “catfight” is examined, and it’s determined that it’s Taylor Swift’s fault. Okay. “Taylor ran out of guys to talk about, so she wrote a song about how mean Katy is,” says Katy’s “friend” (definitely an unaffiliated teen). Also, everyone is mad and jealous and heartbroken over Poncho’ed Nightmare John Mayer, says the magazine. Sure they are! Finally, Miley Cyrus has finally “hit rock bottom” for the 300th time because she enthusiastically smokes weed and also recently wore nipple pasties to a Fashion Week party. But nipple pasties are coming in this season! Smh no one gets Miley or her art or her nipples’ fashion outfits.
GRADE: D- (a bedazzled selfie stick)
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