This Week in Tabloids: Lauren Conrad's Wedding Was Whimsical as Fuck

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we attempt to cobble together meaning using the hot glue of human cognition after reading Star, Us Weekly, OK!, Life & Style and InTouch. This week, Lauren Conrad, a man and Pinterest were united in holy matrimony; Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are going to enjoy a snow-gilt wedding ceremony in Canada; and CHAVRIL IS ON THE ROCKS. Let’s have a look.

PREGNANT AND HEADED TO PRISON

Teresa Giudice, the Real Housewife who is about to be sentenced after pleading guilty to fraud charges, is reportedly pregnant. ‘Kay. There are myriad reasons for her deciding to get pregnant now, says InTouch. One is that she wants a son. Another is that she could get a book deal for being pregnant in prison OR her own reality show deal (what a dream come true). On the negative side, pregnant women are treated deplorably in prison. This is a truly a gross story. In other news, the magazine attempted to decipher the gender of Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes’ baby by examining the overalls of a painter who visited their house for tell-tale nursery wall colors. The results were inconclusive. Good sleuthing attempt, though, I guess. Moving on: Justin Theroux loooooves Botox, but Jennifer Aniston is not allowed to use it because he thinks her face is “beautiful and iconic.” Who made him the goddamn forehead police? Next: Kim Kardashian is feuding with Beyoncé (I imagine Beyoncé does not care to feud back), and she thinks she’s really important because she won British GQ‘s Woman of the Year award, a made-up thing Beyoncé did not win. She also thinks Beyoncé is “fake.” Sure. Finally, Kendall Jenner is allegedly being bullied by fellow models, who put their cigarettes in her drink because they didn’t think it was fair that she was there. Uhhh. A lot of models are descended from famous humans; nepotism is a trend that NEVER GOES OUT. Maybe drinking cigs is a model trick none of us normals know about.

GRADE: F (a handmade merkin made from authentic human beard clippings)

DUMPED IN THE DELIVERY ROOM

Kourtney Kardashian, who is not scheduled to give birth until November, was not dumped in the delivery room. But, like, she could be! We don’t know the future! This article, like most tabloid articles on Kardashian Drama, mostly serves as a summary of their reality television program, which is nice because I haven’t been Keeping Up: Scott is having trouble with drinking and he is worried about all the responsibilities of being a new father, as he said on the teevee. Everyone is worried. The human condition is so frail and uncertain. Moving on: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are having a “HONEYMOON FROM HELL!” because they’re working on a movie together and the French locals are mad that they rented so many villas. Sounds disastrous. How will their relationship recover. Elsewhere in the magazine, Taylor Swift and Katy Perry’s “catfight” is examined, and it’s determined that it’s Taylor Swift’s fault. Okay. “Taylor ran out of guys to talk about, so she wrote a song about how mean Katy is,” says Katy’s “friend” (definitely an unaffiliated teen). Also, everyone is mad and jealous and heartbroken over Poncho’ed Nightmare John Mayer, says the magazine. Sure they are! Finally, Miley Cyrus has finally “hit rock bottom” for the 300th time because she enthusiastically smokes weed and also recently wore nipple pasties to a Fashion Week party. But nipple pasties are coming in this season! Smh no one gets Miley or her art or her nipples’ fashion outfits.

GRADE: D- (a bedazzled selfie stick)

DREAM WEDDING

I resent a lot of stuff about tabloids. I resent that they are not better at finding more interesting people to make up lies about, and I am also generally disappointed in the overwhelming lack of originality in their lies. This issue of Us Weekly is a glorious exception: IT CONTAINS EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS OF LAUREN CONRAD’S ARTISANAL WEDDING!!!! The affair was a polyamorous ceremony between Conrad, some guy named William Tell, and a tasteful Pinterest board. The theme was “apples.” There were antique handkerchiefs hanging on a frame because crafting. Also because of crafting, the aisle was “a burlap runner strewn with gilded eucalyptus leaves.” William Tell gifted LC with “an apple locket with a snippet from the menu on their first date.” The stuff of dreams. Moving on: Chris Martin is “in love” with Jennifer Lawrence. Also, Jennifer Lawrence has reportedly had a crush on Chris Martin since she was a teen — which really damages her cool girl cred, seeing as Chris Martin as a cultural figure is a wailing imp beloved only by lower-tier cool dads — but glad they’re happy. In much more harrowing news, Chavril is reportedly in danger of uncoupling. I gasped aloud when I read this, dear reader. Chad Kroeger has been telling people that he and Avril Lavigne are going to get a divorce. Nothing is beautiful and everything hurts. Goodnight, world. Elsewhere in the mag, Us Weekly has done a stunning investigation into the matter of Is Beyoncé Pregnant. It’s inconclusive, but it does include this beautiful description of staffers at a fancy hotel shielding Beyoncé and Jay Z from the press: “a lowly garden tarp was adapted into a disguise.” A lowly garden tarp! Just goes to show, even the lowliest of ground covers can do noble and good deeds for the world.

GRADE: A+ (antique handkerchiefs fluttering tastefully in their wooden frame in front of a rustic background. It is your wedding. Heidi Montag is not invited. Everyone loves your crafts.)

$110 MILLION DIVORCE SHOCKER

This is a prime example of a very boring and unoriginal lie: Reese Witherspoon and her husband, whoever he is, are maybe headed for divorce. They are, obviously, not actually getting divorced. But one time Reese Witherspoon went to an event without him! And they’re both really busy so, uh, they’re probably kinda mad about that!! This is a very, very boring story. Elsewhere in the magazine, Daryl Hannah is dubbed a “homewrecker” for breaking up Neil Young’s marriage of 36 years, which is a pretty unexpected story to come across in these hallowed pages. Daryl and Neil became close because of environmental activism, says a source. It’s where the seed of their love was planed. Moving on: Khloé Kardashian is worried that she will never find love after breaking up with French Montana. Cheer up, Khloé. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Kylie Jenner, teen, is allegedly dating rapper Tyga, who has a child and also used to be engaged to Kim Kardashian’s good friend. I do not think they are dating. Finally, Chunk from The Goonies got hot. And the kid from the Neverending Story got really into Scientology and grew a beard, and he now lives on a boat. Thus concludes your annual Child Star Update.

GRADE: F (a mason jar filled with balled-up photos of other mason jars)

SURPRISE WEDDING

In an article clearly written before the Internet began trembling and weeping with news of the Gosling baby, OK! says that Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are planning to get secret-married in Canada “with the baby’s arrival mere days away.” An insider says that they will marry in Canada on New Years, with Eva clad in “a simple cream-tone shift with a faux-fur cloak, as it will be pretty cold.” PRO-TIP FOR MAKING YOUR BIZARRE CELEBRITY FANFICTION SOUND RELIABLE: going into very particular details like this makes you sound like you are making things up. In other news, Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert are living separate lives, which you are undoubtedly concerned about, and it’s taking a toll on their marriage. Okay. Elsewhere in the magazine, Ariana Grande is in touch with Harry Styles, and her boyfriend Big Sean is not happy about it, and the assorted teens of the Internet are not happy about it, and the Tumblrs devoted to Harry Styles’ secret relationship with Louis are not happy about it. The rest of this magazine is filled with Duggar news, a single photo of Ian Somerhalder and Nikki Reed kissing whilst clad in fedora-like hats and the unadulterated excrement of the human soul pondering why even bother being alive.

GRADE: F (Miley Cyrus playing with a magic loom without getting high first)