Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we go to Walt Disney World, run into FKA Bennifer 2.0, start following them around the park and texting friends sneaky pictures from afar, keep up with them for, oh, an hour or so, lose them somewhere in the line for Space Mountain, find them again in one of the dining areas, take a video of Ben and Jen whisper shouting, feel a tap on our shoulder, turn around and see Christine Ouzounian, who whispers, “Quit taking photos of people without their permission.” You stare at her in disbelief as she slowly backs away, whispering, “You know nothing about this family. Nothing.”
This week: Jen and Ben are back together, Kim gained weight from all the food she’s been eating, and Kylie gained weight from the human being growing inside her.
JEN CALLS OFF DIVORCE: THE SURPRISING REASON INSIDE
FKA Bennifer 2.0 are very close to being plain old Bennifer 2.0 again. Isn’t that wonderful for them and us and basically everyone but Christine Ouzounian? (They’re “contemplating” paying Christine Ouzounian $500,000 for her silence, by the way.) Basically, “Ben wants to be a better man for his family” and Jennifer is ready to start “fighting for their marriage.” The story is filled with photos of happy moments from their relationship, like a day they went grocery shopping together and that time Ben hugged Jen while wearing a shirt with Kermit the Frog’s face on it. Next up: Kris and Caitlyn Jenner are “forging a friendship.” A source says they were seen “drinking and dancing” together at Nobu and that “it’s a new era” for them. I sort of wish Caitlyn only hung out with the kids and her cool new friends, but it must require more than a few months of seances and milk baths to rid Kris from one’s life. Speaking of the Kardashians, Lamar Odom is very upset that Khloe Kardashian is dating James Harden. An insider said it’s “a slap in the face,” but Odom allegedly has plans of his own. He may write a tell-all book, and I’ve already pre-pre-pre-ordered it.
- Amal Clooney may be the next host of The Apprentice.
- Chris Pratt is very sad and has been “staying up trolling the web at all hours.”
- I’m Chris Pratt.
- Ashlee Simpson-Ross wants Jessica Simpson to stop working out so much.
- Hillary Duff and Mike Comrie are back together.
- Russell Crowe wishes he were back together with Danielle Spencer.
- Nicole Richie wants Jessie J to stay away from Joel Madden.
- Evan Spiegel (the creator of Snapchat) and Miranda Kerr are probably getting married.
Grade: C+ (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner give you $500,000, but only if you never speak about Christine Ouzounian again.)
ROBIN WILLIAMS DEATH INVESTIGATION REOPENED: SHOCKING NEW EVIDENCE FOUND
This Robin Williams story is, obviously, nowhere near as shocking as the headline implies. A “San Francisco-are PI has quietly begun a new probe into Robin’s death” and thinks “new evidence could be uncovered.” Over the course of four pages, no new evidence actually is uncovered. On the next page, “Gavin’s best pal” claims “he ignored Gwen for years.” He spent “much of the relationship avoiding her” and would constantly tell his handlers “Don’t tell her where I am.” Gavin continued, “I’m never alone, I’m alone all the time, are you at one or do you lie, we live in a wheel where everyone steals, but when we rise it’s like strawberry fields,” but I don’t know what any of that means. Oh, newlyweds Jennifer and Justin will soon pick up the baby they adopted, and “Jen’s having a blast picking out colors for the nursery.” Can you imagine Jen flipping through pages of pastel paint samples at Home Depot saying, “Are you having a blast, Justin? Because I’m definitely having a blast”? I can. Earlier I told you Jen and Ben were on the road to reconciliation, but there are apparently some terms. Jen has been urging Ben to go back to rehab to “battle his alcoholism,” and maybe—just maybe—they’ll get back together if he does. That’s all well and good, but I really want to know is whether or not Jen is sending Christine Ouzounian daily texts that say, simply, “Go back to where you came from.”
- Nicki Minaj bans “people working on sets” to avoid eye contact with her.
- Dean McDermott is a “deadbeat dad.”
- Dylan McDermott isn’t in this issue.
- Dermot Mulroney isn’t in this issue.
- Selena Gomez is sick of Kendall Jenner for hooking up with all of her “leftovers” like Justin Bieber and Nick Jonas.
- Jennifer Lopez is sick of Casper Smart asking her to marry him.
- Wear purple this week or I’ll force Jennifer Lopez to reject you.
Grade: F (You’re asked to tell the difference between Dean McDermott, Dylan McDermot, and Dermot Mulroney while being held at gunpoint.)
KYLIE’S 2 MONTHS PREGNANT
Kylie Jenner has been pregnant, on and off, for the better part of this year. But, according to Life & Style’s sources, her current pregnancy (with Tyga’s child) has just entered its second month and the Kardashians/Jenners are all freaking out. But an insider claims she “couldn’t be more excited,” adding, “She is legal now and doesn’t have to explain anything to anyone.” OK! No explanation needed. Congrats, Kylie! Congrats Tyga! Sorry everyone else! Speaking of children, Gwen and Gavin are at war over three of them: their own! The formerly happy couple is in the middle of a custody battle, and it’s “not going to be easy.” Apparently Gavin “won’t agree to give Gwen primary custody of the kids unless she agrees to pay up big time,” and his greed has left her “devastated.” You know who else is devastated? Brad Pitt! And you know who else is devastated? Angelina Jolie! And you know who wants them to stop being devastated? Brad’s mom! Jane Pitt gave the couple “some intense marriage counseling” earlier this month. She called them both “vain and selfish,” then proceeded to quote “Bible verses about love.” I think Jane Pitt needs a podcast. Pitter Patter? Ain’t Love The Pitts? Pitt Shoots The Shit? Never mind, we can workshop the name later.
- Kim Zolciak loves her plastic surgery so much.
- Prince Harry’s new girlfriend was topless in a BBC series once.
- Robert Pattinson is getting cold feet and may never marry FKA Twigs.
- Noah Cyrus gets fashion advice from Miley, which is clear.
- Jennifer Lawrence’s mother is moving in with her and Chris Martin, which is a sitcom.
- Ponytails are in.
- Peeptoe booties are in.
- Fringe is in.
- I think everything is in?
- Wear anything.
- Honestly. Wear everything you own, all at once.
Grade: D (You wear a cute outfit to your counseling session with Jane Pitt, but she tells you fringe is so out.)
PREGNANT KIM’S NIGHTMARE 65-LB WEIGHT GAIN!
Kim Kardashian is living every pregnant woman’s nightmare: she’s gaining weight. Though she told fans she would be eating better this time around, sources say she’s gained nearly 70 pounds during her pregnancy. And to add food to the flames, she’s so stressed out by all her family drama that “she pigs out on comfort food all day.” Kris Jenner, ever the Momager, is pleased with all of this and thinks her “daughter’s girth will translate into ratings gold.” You know what else would be ratings gold? The reconciliation of Khloe and Lamar, which I’m now realizing sounds like a forgotten bible story. Sources tell Star that Lamar is “really trying” to clean up his life in the hopes that Khloe will take him back. Lamar, no! Enjoy your new life in Vegas, and stay far far away from E!’s cameras. Additionally, put a ring of salt around your home to prevent entities like Kris from entering. It doesn’t always work, but it certainly couldn’t hurt. In addition to calling out Lamar, I also feel the need to give a shoutout to LeAnn Rimes. LeAnne! Star is telling me you’re addicted to pills because you think they will have a “positive effect on how [your] body ages.” Do you really take 20 pills every morning and another 20 every night? Because an LA-based nutritionist named Lisa DeFazio told Star you shouldn’t take more than five supplements a day, and she seems pretty cool and legitimate. Listen to Lisa DeFazio, LeAnn!
- Taylor Swift will host a “massive fundraiser” for Hillary Clinton soon.
- Lindsay Lohan finally hired a ghostwriter to pen her memoir.
- Michael Cera treats women like “objects” and his ego is “out of control.”
- Michelle Rodriguez has been drunk dialing Cara Delevingne a lot lately.
- Nick Jonas doesn’t like Kendall Jenner anymore.
- Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t like Nicholas Hoult anymore.
- No one likes Stacey Dash anymore.
Grade: F (Kris Jenner breaches your circle of salt and asks you to start gaining weight.)
Fig 1. In Touch
Fig 2. Star
Fig 3. Star
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.