Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we think about Reese Witherspoon’s husband for the first time in two years, rewatch the dashcam footage of her arrest, and keep repeating “I am a U.S. citizen” in her voice while thinking, “You know what? I sort of wish she had won the Oscar for Wild.” This week: Julia Roberts and Danny Moder are divorcing, Blake’s alleged mistress makes a weird comment about what love is, Miranda cheated on Blake with 5-6 guys, and we find out that Kylie Jenner is ALREADY MARRIED TO TYGA.
$225 MILLION DIVORCE
Wow, I can’t believe it. “After 13 years of marriage, Julia Roberts and Danny Moder (remember Danny Moder?) are on the verge of calling it quits.” The “once smitten pair” is “rarely seen together” because they’re “quietly laying the groundwork for what they hope will be a quickie divorce.” The couple, who met on the set of The Mexican (remember The Mexican?), has been fighting for some time now. Danny is tired of “playing second fiddle” to Julia—a “very emotional person” who regularly “treats him like dirt.” And even though Julia wants them to stay together, Danny has finally had enough. A source says “it’s going to get ugly,” and a lot of her “vast fortune” might end up going to him. OK, I’m sorry, but can we backtrack for a second? Who the hell is Danny Moder again?
Wow, I can’t believe THIS either! Beyoncé is pregnant! A source told OK! that “after rounds of IVF treatments,” there is a new life growing inside Mrs. Carter! “Even though she’s barely showing,” the source continued, “she’s paranoid someone will pick up on it, so she’s hiding her stomach whenever she goes out.” No word yet on whether she’ll be using the same stomach as last time.
- Britney Spears wants either Jennifer Lawrence, Kristen Stewart, or Natalie Portman to star in her biopic?
- Amy Poehler wants to keep boyfriend Nick Kroll’s billionaire father happy, so she refuses to make fun of the Kroll family in public.
- Caitlyn Jenner is “obsessed” with surgery now.
- Jeremy Renner kicked his “roommate” out of their house.
- Rihanna “thinks Taylor [Swift] can dish it but can’t take it.”
- Naomi Watts had threw a “tantrum” at an Armani show.
- Kate Hudson “flipped” when she saw photos of her ex-fiance with his new girlfriend.
- George and Amal Clooney go on double dates with Channing and Jenna Tatum. I would like to apply for the position of Fifth Wheel.
Grade: D (Four years after giving birth, people keep saying you faked your last pregnancy.)
KYLIE MAKES IT OFFICIAL: TEEN BRIDE
OK, so not only are 17-year-old Kylie Kardashian and 25-year-old Tyga planning a TV wedding that will be filmed later this year, they’re ALREADY SECRETLY MARRIED. And they have Kris Jenner’s approval! Mommie Dearest “thinks she can easily make $5 million or more from Kylie and Tyga’s ‘I do’s,” and “Kylie wants this wedding to be bigger than both of Kim’s weddings and Khloe’s wedding to Lamar Odom.” Other rumors: she’s going to wear a custom Balmain gown, Kendall will be the maid of honor, Caitlin will walk her down the aisle, they have an ‘ironclad prenup,’ and Blac Chyna hates everything about it.
Speaking of weddings, Calvin Harris bought Taylor Swift an engagement ring! Or maybe he’s about to buy her an engagement ring? This article is unclear, but either way - they’re getting married, and Taylor will have (or already has) a “big” and “chunky” ring that costs “at least $500,000.” I hope it fits, otherwise she’ll be able to accidentally shake it off! Right?! Eh? Not good? OK, whatever. So Calvin (once he buys this ring, if he hasn’t already) is probably going to propose to Taylor in Nashville, and then they’re going to sign an “ironclad prenup.” If they need a good lawyer, I think Kylie might be able to give them a reference.
Newly single Scott Disick is “spiraling out of control with booze and drugs” and “everyone is scared he isn’t going to make it.” Kourtney Kardashian is more worried than anyone, and might “have him forcibly hospitalized in a psychiatric ward.” He’s the father of her children, after all, and she doesn’t want him to die - which sources suggest he could do “if they do nothing.” Until then, Scott will continue getting paid to take photos inside 1OAK locations around the country. So at least he’ll be easy to find!
- Rihanna’s new boyfriend already has a girlfriend.
- Lindsay Lohan dined and dashed “on a $1,300 bill.”
- Kaitlyn Bristowe wants “five kids and a dog.”
- Demi Moore is selling the home where that guy drowned.
- Miley Cyrus cheated on her girlfriend Stella Maxwell with Mike WiLL Made-It.
- Caitlyn Jenner “wants to look like Angelina” Jolie.
- Oooh! A full-page ad for Ricki and the Flash! I ripped it out and might hang up up.
- The Royal Family is still at war for boring reasons.
- Amal Clooney is probably pregnant. But also she probably isn’t.
- If you don’t wear porcelain prints I’m going to scream!
Grade: D+ (You go to a party at any 1OAK.)
BLAKE’S OTHER WOMAN TELLS ALL
Cady Groves, the country singer who may or may not have had a small part in the divorce of Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert, “opened up” to inTouch about her relationship with Mr. Shelton. One of her friends says “she told us she had sex with [Blake]...for at least a year.” And Cady herself says she never stopped loving him. “I don’t hate him,” she said. “He is an amazing person...When you love someone, it doesn’t matter if they run over your heart with a truck and shoot you in the face—you forgive them.” Hmmm. I would immediately sever all ties with someone who ran over my heart and shot me in the face, but I guess true love affects everyone a little differently! Like they always say, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry, even if you run over your lover’s heart with a truck and shoot them in the face.”
“Kim can’t stop eating.” You hear me? She can’t stop! It’s her body, she can do what she wants. And what she wants is to eat forever and ever - even when asleep. She’s probably eating right now! When pregnant with North, she admitted craving “cheese, chili cheese fries...everything with cheese.” But now she’s “more ravenous than ever.” A source says “her favorite foods are Big Macs, In-N-Out’s cheese fries, Taco Bell’s Crunchwrap Supreme, and KFC’s Chicken Littles.” Same! When Kanye is watching, she eats “lean protein” and “vegetables,” but the moment he’s out of sight, she binges on junk.
- Tom Cruise has so many secrets.
- 50 Cent “faked being rich.”
- A lot of people are fighting over Bobbi Kristina Brown’s millions.
- Adam Levine and Behati Prinsloo’s marriage is “on the rocks.”
- Kaitlyn and Shawn will have a “million-dollar wedding” paid for by ABC.
- Teresa Giudice has banned Melissa Gorga from visiting her in prison.
- So many famous people wear coats in the summer.
Grade: C- (Your lover runs over your heart with a truck, but doesn’t even bother going all the way by shooting you in the face.)
MIRANDA CHEATED WITH FIVE MEN!
OK, disregard everything you just read about Blake Shelton’s alleged mistress, because the REAL reason for their divorce was Miranda Lambert’s cheating! With five different guys!!! Maybe! I guess. Who knows, right? This divorce is nuts and I’m sick of writing about it. The newest gossip is that Miranda (whom Star refers to as “the fastest girl in town”) had flings with country singers Jeff Allen and Jamey Johnson, a Major League Baseball player named Josh Beckett, her “former tourmate” Chris Young, and two unnamed staffers. That adds up to six? Right? You missed your chance at a more exciting headline, Star.
Whoa, I haven’t thought about Reese Witherspoon’s husband, Jim Toth, since my favorite video of all time was put online, but he’s in back in the tabloids this week for “drinking away his marriage.” Apparently Toth has been going to Tavern Restaurant in Brentwood, CA “multiple times a week by himself to watch whatever sports team is on TV.” He gets hammered, “and by the end of happy hour, he’s shouting at the TV.” One of the other regulars says they “can’t imagine Reese is too happy about the amount of time he spends” there, but maybe she loves it? After all, she has books to read and coffee to drink. Jim would just be in her way.
- Tobey McGuire was “awful to be around” on the set of his Bobby Fischer biopic.
- Scott Disick thinks E! will give him a spin-off.
- Dance Mom’s Abby Lee Miller is “rude, obnoxious, and entitled.”
- Miley Cyrus and Stella Maxwell are moving in together.
- Teresa Giudice is divorcing Joe.
- Tom Hiddleston and Elizabeth Olson are so in love that they want to shoot each other in the face.
- Rachel McAdams and Taylor Kitsch are so in love that they want to shoot each other in the face.
Grade: D+ (You try to buy a Michelle Obama statue and are told they’re sold out.)
Fig. 1 (inTouch)
Fig. 2 (OK!)
Fig. 3 (Star)
Contact the author at email@example.com.