This Week In Tabloids: Kris Jenner Is Further Proof That the Illuminati Are Capitalists!

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers is recovering from the worst food poisoning experience of her life over the weekend after a harrowing Vanderpump Rules bar crawl. Maybe her fellow Real Housewives of Beverly Hills have made a few accurate points concerning the Queen of Diamonds! Thankfully, weed gummies and the American aviation industry joined forces as I formulated my weekly rude comments on the latest hot gossip.

Let’s dive in!

In Touch:

This week’s cover story, concerning the alleged Kimye divorce, is a great example of my wish for the pop culture landscape: a future where the many gossip reporters that litter the surface of our cursed planet acquire even an ounce of anti-capitalist media literacy. But instead of speaking in crypticism for the next paragraph, why not just lay it plainly: there isn’t some grand, overarching conspiracy surrounding the Kardashians that is proof of their implicit fakery—their public life is enough! Circling many celebrities who spun careers out of reality television is a gossip world that seeks to mine the “production drama” off-screen in place of what we’re shown. My theory? Who people are in front of cameras is extraordinarily telling of what they’re like behind them. Kim, for better or worse, wants us to believe that she has chosen to accept Kanye’s many “difficulties” and moved past them for the sake of her career, children, and marriage. Alternatively, Kanye has embraced the institution of church in what he claims is a recent “enlightenment.” Rather than fabricating paparazzi photos to look like Kim has taken the children and ran, why not postulate on the more obvious conclusions?

Kim, realizing that her brand is inextricably linked to her husband, has chosen to continue in her marriage despite the difficulties. (I’d also go so far as to say her pivot to “criminal rights activist” is a similar attempt to shield herself from her husband’s critics.) And as for Kanye’s rebranding as a Hillsong adjacent spiritual leader? After the unending criticism his MAGA endorsements drew (and the many Trump tweets praising him), he’s embraced the church as a “safe haven” that might hopefully sanitize his troubled image and move his career back to that of a “provocative thought leader.” Isn’t it incredible how easily we can apply a capitalist’s logic to the public life of the Kardashians? Kris Jenner probably isn’t the Illuminati; she’s just mastered the manipulation of the media to benefit her children’s brands while further enriching NBC-Comcast-Universal executives. Jordyn Woods maybe isn’t the saboteur sleeper cell Khloé accused her of being. Instead, Khloé’s prolific history of using black men to elevate her cultural standing has often backfired when they’ve returned the treatment (use and be used!). Can’t you see that conspiracies often pale in comparison to the actions this family publicizes? Regardless, I’ve broken my self-imposed moratorium enough this week. Let’s move on!

Meanwhile: Demi Lovato got a suburban bob, The Situation has made friends with scammer Billy McFarland in prison, and Gwen Stefani said, “Fuck the environment!” and took a private plane. Worse, Jude Law was spotted filming The Young Pope’s sequel and Jennifer Aniston stepped out in a scarf. In the Coachella valley, Gigi Hadid revealed herself to be a #McDonaldsPartner and Nicki Minaj faced technical difficulties. (Bang! Bang!) I’m also intrigued by sources that claim the Real Housewives, the franchise single-handedly keeping Bravo afloat, is “close to crumbling” permanently. Most of the allegations center an “insider” that says “[Real Housewives of New York] has been in trouble ever since Jill Zarin left as a full time cast member.” (Hello, Jill! Nice to see you’re still selling stories.) There are also claims that Real Housewives of New Jersey would implode if Teresa Giudice follows Joe Giudice to Italy. Considering she’s been spotted numerous times with a much younger man—and has publicly said she will divorce Juicy Joe in the event of a deportation—I’m inclined to roll my eyes. (RHONJ also had its strongest, most publicized season in years without the help of Teresa’s personal drama.) And instead of our usual roundup, I have something worse. After reports surfaced that producers are scrambling to secure the rights to the college admissions scandal, In Touch has “picked the perfect actors to fill the roles.” Strap in for the worst dream cast you’ve ever witnessed!

• Judith Light, used to playing the “classic blond sitcom mom, would play Felicity Huffman
• Nick Nolte, who’s “also scruffy,” for William H. Macy
• Kylie Jenner as Olivia Jade, because “wouldn’t it irk the YouTube star to be played by the most famous influencer turned makeup-mogul?”
• John Stamos as Mossimo for Target? “Lori’s TV hubby even looks a bit like her real life partner-in-crime.” Sure, Jan!
• Candace Cameron Bure as Aunt Becky

Creativity is dead! Here’s this week’s blind item:

“This popular entertainer, who’s known for juggling a few gigs at once, needs to watch his back. There’s another entertainer on his show who keeps stepping up to the plate to “help out” the bigger star, but word on the street is that the eager underling is actually gunning for his job.”

Anytime a blind item mentions somebody with multiple jobs, you can almost always assume it’s Ryan Seacrest. But who’s the eager underling? Cast your guess in the comments below!

Ok!:

Considering that I am an all-knowing columnist with a slippery grasp on what I believe my audience craves, let’s bypass this initial cover story for the much juicier “acting coach exposé!” And because Ok! refuses to publish meaningful content in a coherent form, bullet points will have to suffice. (Thanks for nothing, American Media, Inc!)

• Brad Pitt: Refusing to be “boxed in” by traditionally “hunky roles,” acting coaches claim he chooses “challenging” films like The Big Short “to perfect the unexpected.” Sure!
• Sandra Bullock “may have an Oscar” but “doesn’t take her craft too seriously.” Prone to making “unsubtle faces,” she’s known to frequently break character and invite co-stars over for “barbecues.” Claims a source: “She’s down to earth!”
• Mariah Carey “hasn’t earned the right to make sweeping demands on movie sets” after her “megabomb” Glitter. But an acting coach hired to troubleshoot her performances claims “that hasn’t stopped her!” During her cameo in Girls Trip, she reportedly threw daily tantrums and “ordered enough Evian to bathe in.” Am I supposed to believe she was on that set for more than 30 minutes?
• Tobey Maguire is “weird but wonderful!” According to an acting coach, he has “kooky” habits and is “very thrifty,” going so far as to bring his own spoons and knives to set? He also wants new upholstery in any dressing room he’s giving, but according to the source, producers and co-stars “don’t mind the quirks.” One even claims he has a photographic ability to memorize lines instantly? (Too bad that probably isn’t a real thing!)
• Jennifer Aniston’s publicist, hearing that Ok! was workshopping a piece about on-set professionalism, called in to claim “she’s gunning for the Oscar” and would love “to be taken seriously as a big screen leading lady.” They don’t forget to drop in that she “probably never has to act again thanks to high-profile endorsements!” (Read: “Call us, Evian!”)
• Brie Larson “was going to auditions” instead of “going to the mall with friends,” which acting coaches claim is the reason she landed an Oscar and a Marvel franchise. Claims one, “Brie’s all about artistry and getting the scene right. She doesn’t like to break concentration.” These talents also served her short-lived music career well! This mostly still bangs (and features some serious face acting!).
• Leonardo DiCaprio, everyone’s least favorite creepy uncle, has a “questionable grasp on accents.” A source even claims it wasn’t until the “always-a-nominee-never-a-winner only nabbed his first Oscar […] after hiring a pro.” Thank god somebody finally put a stop to his marble-mouthed crime spree!
• Who is the incredibly rude tipster that phoned Ok! to remind them that Stefani Joanne Ally Maine Germonatta was “bad at auditioning” and “couldn’t make it as an actress.” They even claim that “she had trouble memorizing her lines until her coach taught her tricks like writing them down on paper.” Wasn’t she bullied at some prestigious performing arts academy? I’m having trouble believing these rumors!
• Lindsay Lohan is an absolute nightmare, so much so that “Tinseltown sent her packing.” Sources claim that despite her ex-communication to the various resort towns littering Europe, she often returns to L.A. and “throws her weight around.” Believable!
• Jennifer Lawrence’s talents including holding Oscars, “slinging arrows, and speaking with a Russian accent.” But remembering lines? “She doesn’t always.”

I’m also perplexed by comments Elisabeth Moss gave to the Daily Beast about Scientology, claiming that her religion isn’t antithetical to the messaging of her hit show The Handmaid’s Tale. She even goes so far as to assert, “People should be allowed to talk about what they want to talk about and believe what they want to believe and you can’t take that away. And when you start to say, ‘You can’t think that, you can’t believe that, you can’t say that,’ then you get into trouble.”

Doesn’t Scientology have a well-documented history of allegedly weaponizing their vast wealth to shut down critics and journalists with lawsuits, harassment, private investigators, and more? There’s also claims that Wendy Williams is saving the details on her husband’s affair and more for a lucrative book deal. Considering the DailyMail has shifted their editorial stance to 24/7 coverage of her personal life, I doubt this is the case. I’ve also heard rumors that Hailey Bieber is stalking Selener by scouting her go-to-pilates studio and attempting to make conversations with classmates. Sources claim, “she asked […] ‘Does Selener ever talk about Justin? Is Selener really fit?’” I doubt it, but I’m already optioning the rights to this particular Netflix drama! Worse, Tinseltown insiders claim the cable-bound cast of Suits are “seriously snobby” after brunching with Z-list royals at Meghan Markle’s wedding. I have to laugh! Ilana Glazer was photographed frenching Justin Theroux, Cardi B stepped out in a hat, and Mindy Kaling stepped out with B.J. Novak—who isn’t definitely not possibly at all the father of her child.

What else?

• Known creep Scott Disick and former 17-year old Sofia Richie allegedly fought overseas during Kourtney Kardashian’s Finnish 40th birthday party.
• Charlie Hunnam’s wife is named Morgana.
• Leonardo DiCaprio’s latest model, Camila Morrone, had his publicist phone in the tip: “He puts me first!”
• Lily Collins claims: “I’m on a roll!”
• Kate Hudson posed in an oldtimey gas station photoshoot.
• Julianne Hough allegedly got bangs.
• Beyoncé has no idea who Billy Eichner is.
• Anthropomorphic bran muffin Colton Underwood takes Bachelor-somebody Cassie to the Cheesecake Factory for date night.

Life & Style:

I have to uphold at least one moratorium this week, so why don’t we zero in on the troubled Spice Girls tour? For those who don’t remember: Mel B revealed that she and Geri Halliwell allegedly slept together during their first years as Spice Girls. While The Sun later reported that sources close to Geri claimed she was “miffed” at the accusations, Emma Bunton followed up a few weeks later to claim that everything was behind them and rehearsals are moving forward. Now, insiders at Life & Style claim that despite the groups public statements, the tour is in jeopardy over “cash-strapped Mel B’s” revelation. Without naming my source, I have heard from British gossipers that Geri Halliwell’s husband, Red Bull Racing’s Formula One manager Christian Horner, isn’t happy as his somewhat mysterious politics allegedly lean towards conservative. (He’s previously said he’d invite Margaret Thatcher to dinner, who his wife once described as “the original Spice Girl.” She went on to delete all mentions of her from Twitter after backlash from fans.) Regardless, recent Instagram posts allude that rehearsals are indeed underway. I’ll be praying for Posh-less b-team!

I’m also fascinated with the clever publicists at Bravo who orchestrated a backdoor apology ahead of this week’s episode of Vanderpump Rules. For those that miss out on possibly the best show on television, Lisa Vanderpump was criticized in Monday’s episode by Ariana Madix (Tom Sandoval’s girlfriend). Towards the end of the episode, she sat down with Tom Sandoval and friends and admitted she feels like Lisa Vanderpump tends to disrespect her staff and “bully” the Toms. To my surprise, Life & Style (which is physically distributed on Mondays) ran an interview with Schwartz and Sandoval where both admit “Lisa Vanderpump has changed our lives.” To quote: “It’s been a huge change. In just one week, we had Selena Gomez, Lady Gaga, and Miley Cyrus in the restaurant!” Adds Schwartz, 36, “We’re just super grateful. Lisa’s an amazing mentor, we love her.”

I love when this column reminds me that nothing in Hollywood happens in earnest! (And don’t forget to tune into the Vanderpump Rules finale on Monday, April 29!)

Elsrwhere, Miranda Kerr admitted she has an addiction to Snapchat filters, and Colin Farrell showed off a tattoo he describes as “a cat’s asshole on a chopstick.” Everyone’s wearing floral, Alexa Chung was photographed, and sources claim the demonic spirit of Megyn Kelly has possessed Charlize Theron and made her “difficult.” While I’d normally couch these rumors in claims of sexism, White Walkers have that effect on people! The Flip or Flop somebody are feuding after the ex-husband revealed the gender of the ex-wife’s baby, and worse, the Avengers cast made an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel. There’s also troubling rumors that Miranda Lambert’s secret cop husband, Brendan McLoughlin, forced her to book an all-women road tour to prevent “any hunky cowboys from traveling with her for months.” For those who might have forgotten, reports surfaced last year that her tour with Turnpike Troubadours frontman Evan Felker caused his marriage to implode. Fun!

• Kendall Jenner wore a denim thong over some khakis.
• Vinny Guadagnino guest-hosted Chippendales at Rio All-Suite Hotel & Casino.
• Kim Kardashian made an appearance on chaos merchant JoJo Siwa’s YouTube channel.
• Noted aerial gymnast, P!nk, performed aerial gymnastics in Canada.
• Naya Rivera is “really into” Nobu Malibu and Love After Lockup.

Enjoy this week’s collage! (Us Weekly featured a Kate Hudson interview that was thinly veiled Fabletics #spon. You’re welcome!)