Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we find the strength to shuffle into the magazine store after taking a week off to digest last Tuesday’s events, look beyond the apocalyptic headlines at eye level and lift our heads up to the lighter fare—the stuff that’s both less important than it ever was, and an oddly reassuring reminder that the planet keeps spinning, even as everything chained to it by the unforgiving arms of gravity is quickly turning to ash.
Donald Trump is our president-elect, and Julia Roberts and Ellen DeGeneres are getting divorced from their respective partners. Megyn Kelly chose to embargo her Trump-blasting memoir until after the election, and Tom Cruise is in love with a 32-year-old costar. A white supremacist and anti-semite will be the chief White House strategist, and Kris Jenner is fucking Scott Disick.
It’s all bullshit, but half of it is true.
Let’s begin with some divorce stuff. Julia Roberts and Danny Moder are divorcing after coming “to realize how different they are,” while Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are calling it quits after “nonstop battles over money.” We’re being told Moder and Roberts have been living apart (you may remember that they own two houses across the street from each other in Malibu), because Roberts has grown “suspicious” of Moder’s behavior. A source says “she felt he only wanted to go to [a recent] industry gathering to network and rub elbows with producers and agents.” This apparently bugs Julia because she feels like he’s only staying in the marriage to advance his career.
Meanwhile, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi have been having so many “heated debates about Ellen’s controlling behavior and anger issues,” as well as fights over de Rossi’s “spending” and how DeGeneres “doesn’t want Portia to work.” Then comes my favorite line in the story, which they bolded for effect. It reads, “The truth is, it’s over.” This is how I want bad news broken to me in the future. Breaking up with me? Convince the In Touch editorial staff to include it in a story. “The truth is, it’s over.” Telling me a close friend has passed away? Same thing. “The truth is, they’re dead.” This is the emotional equivalent of ripping off a band aid. It’s fast. It’s painful only for the time your brain spends reading it. And then your brain is suddenly distracted by something ridiculous on the next page, like, I don’t know, this story about Anderson Fucking Cooper and his best fucking friend Andy Fucking Cohen fucking feuding over Kathy Fucking Griffin.
Said a source:
“Anderson loves Kathy and thinks she’s hilarious, but she drives Andy insane...Anderson has tried to make them get along, but it always backfires...He’s realizing there’s nothing he can do. Andy will never be a fan.”
Wow, I completely forgot whatever news In Touch broke to me earlier because of this story.
- This is the incredible lede to their story about Brangie: “Click. That’s the sound Brad Pitt heard on the other end of the line when he called estranged wife Angelina Jolie in early November to try to make a last-ditch effort to hammer out a custody agreement with her.”
- Kris Jenner was in the delivery room when Chyna gave birth, but Chyna “ignored” her.
- Jessica Simpson is “done having kids.”
- Ben Higgins and Lauren Bushnell’s wedding has been called off.
- The song Drake and Taylor Swift are working on together “is about his failed romance with Rihanna.”
I’m going to begin this horror show of a cover story by sharing all the image captions. There’s “FORBIDDEN LIAISON,” “WHEN SCOTT AND KRIS SPARKED,” “A ‘10' ON THE TENSION SCALE,” “IN-LAW INFIDELITY,” and “KIM KEPT MUM ABOUT MOM.” If none of those have made you retch, keep reading. If your screen is covered in barf at the thought of Kris Jenner and Scott Disick having sex, please clean up and skip to the bullets below.
Sources are saying that “Kris can’t keep her hands off her daughter’s men,” and that includes Planet Kardashian’s largest moon, Scott Disick. Kris has reportedly “always had a thing for him,” and they’ve had a ton of “steamy hookups” fueled by their combined love of getting hammered at the club. And this isn’t a one-and-done thing, either. Another source says Kris is so committed to making this last that she’s “gotten some extra Botox treatments to look younger and sexier for him.”
Do we think Scott calls her “mom” in bed as a joke, and do we think Kris Jenner finds that super funny and sex...or is that just me?
- Says an insider, “I wouldn’t be surprised if [Brad Pitt] has lost 20 pounds” since announcing his divorce from Angelina Jolie.
- All the Victoria’s Secret Angels apparently hate Gigi Hadid.
- Leonardo DiCaprio gave Tobey Maguire marriage advice, and that advice was, “GO BACK TO YOUR WIFE.”
- Taylor Swift made $170 million this year.
- Katy Perry really wants Orlando Bloom to impregnate her.
Tom Cruise has fallen for the women who plays his love interest in the upcoming reboot of The Mummy, proving that life imitates art, but only up to a certain point, as the two of them may be fucking both onscreen and off, but are only battling a centuries-old villain when the camera’s are rolling. Unless you count Xenu! In which case, maybe life imitates art completely.
You’re probably all asking, “Who IS the lucky woman?” And my answers are, 1) don’t be so quick to use the word “lucky,” and 2) “I don’t know.” Her name is Annabelle Wallis, and is apparently “known for her work on the BBC gangster show Peaky Blinders,” a show I’ve never seen, but whose title always makes me giggle. Tom was apparently “dazzled” by Wallis on set, and left “flowers and notes” in her trailer “every day.”
I wonder what the notes said! Perhaps something like:
My darling Annabelle,
I feel like I am falling in love with you! Your skin is so beautiful and smooth, like a woman’s! Your smile is gorgeous—so womanly! Your body! Ay ay ay, what I wouldn’t give to touch it—perhaps even in a sexual way. Yes, your breasts, I find them titillating. The thought of your naked body arouses me. Oh no! I’m finding it hard to continue writing, as my mind won’t stop imagining what it would be like if we shared a bed and precious bodily fluids.
Yours forever, I hope,
- Julianne Hough and that guy who looks like a well-sculpted bag of flour have put their wedding “on hold.”
- We’re supposed to be surprised that Gerard Butler has a “wandering eye.”
- George and Amal Clooney are fighting over which one of their beautiful mansions to live in.