This Week in Tabloids: Kim Kardashian Impregnated by Magazine

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Callie Beusman has the dubious honor of stopping at the newsstand and picking up the hot-off-the-presses issues of Ok!, Star, Life & Style, In Touch and Us. This week: Learn how Mila Kunis “changed” Ashton Kutcher into a good, non-adulterous guy. Find out how The Bachelorette and That Dude are doing now that the show’s over. And get an Unsolicited Uterus Update from Kim Kardashian’s “pals.”

“MEET HER BABY!”

Misleading cover alert: A quick glance might lead you to believe that you will meet Kim Kardashian’s baby or that the kid appears in this issue — there’s even a picture of her holding an infant — but that’s a shot of Kim with Penelope taken in 2012. Anyway! Kim would love for you to see little baby Nori, claims an insider, but Kanye refuses to let her profit off of the baby or court attention. A family friend then goes into excruciating detail outlining Kim’s daily schedule: She “washes her hair, lets it air dry and throws it into a bun” and then does a deep conditioning mask and walks around the house in a shower cap, we are informed. Riveting stuff. Teresa’s “baby shocker” is that she and Joe Giudice were allegedly considering surrogacy… until they both got arrested. Next: unbelievably, many are worried that the relationship formed on The Bachelorette is not a true, lasting love. What? But Desiree and Chris Siegfried (the contestant who wrote really bad poetry and alluded to “the friend zone” with no shame) have gone on, like, seven dates already! About time to get married, guys. In other news, Rob Pattinson went to Kristen Stewart’s house to retrieve some of his belongings and it was very emotional. “He couldn’t help but notice how the Paddington Bear he gave her was on the couch, not in the bedroom as it used to be,” says a source. O! the pathos. Elsewhere in the mag, the editors ponder: why is Justin Bieber such a jerk? This bit of soul-searching yields a lot of evidence but few answers.

Grade: F (decades of deception)

“BABY NO. 2 ALREADY!”

Oh, sorry, did we say “BABY NO. 2 ALREADY”? What we meant was that Kim allegedly wants to have another baby within a year. All of Kim’s friends are like, “Remember how much you hated being pregnant?” But she is not listening, says the source, who adds that “she’s hoping to expand her brood before she bothers struggling to lose all the baby weight.” Ugh. Next: more Bachelorette-relationship-is-doomed drivel with possibly the best “sign of tension” we’ve ever encountered: “Desiree spent much of breakfast… texting, while Chris sat across from her, eating French toast and bacon.” Sounds like RELATIONSHIP HELL. Moving on: Selena Gomez, in a moment of weakness, drunk-texted Justin Bieber and then they hooked up. The earth rocked on its axis. Her parents staged an intervention. Everyone cried. Elsewhere in the world, Adrienne Maloof did not like being a Real Housewife at all. A list of things she does not miss, as told to Life & Style: the cattiness, the below-the-belt cheap shots, the cameras outside of her bathroom door, the grueling eight-hour interviews, etc.

Grade: D- (made-up girlfriend)

“ALONE WITH THEIR BABIES”

Kate Middleton and Kim Kardashian have been abandoned by their husbands, left to raise their babies alone, according to numerous sources. Prince William is busy with the air force: in the words of a “royal expert,” Will has learned how to change a diaper, but “like any action man, William is starting to feel he’s more use to the military.” Ah, yes, the “action man,” that old stereotype that exists and is often alluded to in casual conversation. Kanye, also being an action man, is traveling all over the world for business. When you are Kanye, “business” = sitting on a yacht. Kate/Kim are overwhelmed. Next. Anna Wintour sees Miley Cyrus as “almost like a daughter” and plans to help her launch her own fashion line. Twerk, Anna, twerk. Moving on: in absolutely horrifying news, Star obtained the victim statement of Michelle Ghent, in which she alleges that her ex-husband Terrence Howard brutally beat her during a family vacation. She has since successfully filed a restraining order against him, which is relieving. And, just so we don’t end this tabloid journey on that soul-crushing note, Star did the important work of assembling a distinguished panel of immigration attorneys to discuss whether Justin Bieber could be deported from America following a wild brawl he started in the Hamptons over a bow tie. International incident! Everyone go home and say a prayer for J-Biebs.

Grade: D (fake jobs on resume)

“THE MISTRESS TELLS ALL”

We’ve already read tons about Jennifer Richardson’s alleged affair with Lamar Odom in the in the July 10th issue of Star and the July 17th issue of In Touch, but she is back with more garbage quotes like “[Lamar] is an emotional, affectionate, freaky lover” and “I thought I could be pregnant a few times.” She also offers this helpful insight: “He’s not a bad person at all, he’s just a man with a lot of money and power, and that’s what men with a lot of money and power do.” Shut up shut up shut up shut up. Also inside: Heidi Klum and Mel. B have an America’s Got Talent rivalry in which Heidi always says she’s skinnier than Mel. Yo, do not fuck with Scary Spice. Des and Chris from The Bachelorette are both like I’m Not That Into You now that the show’s over; he wasn’t her first choice, and they were seen having one of those awkward brunches where no one really talks. A catty source says Des wanted to get married so badly she “would have fallen for anyone. The guy standing in front of her was interchangeable.” What else? Simon Cowell has purchased a $10 million shack down the street from his $22 million mansion for Lauren Silverman, who is carrying his boyband-creating demon lovefetus. Katie Couric says she’s ready to get married again, if anyone wants to pop the question. And finally, instead of shaming women for being fat, the mag cheers on “Love Lbs” — weight gained during a relationship — but the fact remains that we shouldn’t be judging bodies at all. Outfits, yes, quotes about someone looking “less toned,” no. Nice try, though. (Fig. 1)

Grade: C (lying about age on the internet)

“TORTURED BY HER BODY”

Fret not: Kim Kardashian is not being held hostage by her body and forced to endure waterboardng and fingernail-pulling. Still, the situation is dire: When Kylie Jenner had a sweet 16 dinner at Nobu, Kim was a no-show, and it’s because even though she’s already lost 30 pounds since giving birth, she will not leave the house until she looks perfect. A source says “when she comes out and gets photographed for the first time, she wants to look hot hot hot.” Right now a trainer comes five times a week, and Kim knows that Kourtney posed for Us in a bikini just six months after Penelope was born, so the pressure is on. What a horrible way to live. Next! Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez are BFFs but right now the friendship is strained because Selena keeps going back to Justin Bieber. A source says “Beiber has really come between the girls,” a sentence that is too gross to think about. Amanda Seyfried is dating Justin Long, which makes perfect sense, since they both have that dry/wry humor thing. Finally, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are still going strong because Mila “changed him,” which is a bullshit narrative the magazine really runs with; the copy insists that she drinks beer and watches sports and her “guys’-gal attitude is hard to resist” and “she doesn’t get jealous like Demi used to.” Ladies, grab a cold one and turn on the TV and your man will never have sex with a random blonde in a hot tub!

Grade: B- (calling in sick when actually hungover)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch