This Week in Tabloids: Katy Perry's Beauty Routine Is 90 Minutes Long
Celebrities
Here we go again: Every Wednesday it’s Midweek Madness, which involves sending Callie Beusman to the newsstand to buy In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Star and Ok!. She kindly assists as we rummage through the closets of the tabloids. This week: RPatz is shtupping the spawn of Sean Penn; Miley Cyrus is digging a hole and covering it with leaves, hoping to catch a kid (or man); and Katy Perry’s beauty routine takes an hour and a half. Let’s do this.
Ok!
“MILEY’S BABY TRAP”
According to this “exclusive” cover story, Miley Cyrus has concocted a baby trap. A baby trap is not when you put, like, a pacifier and a saucer of milk under a box propped up by a stick attached to a rope — it’s when you utilize a positive pregnancy test to trap someone into a relationship with you. The mag claims that this is what happened with Miley and Liam Hemsworth; months ago, says a source, Miley started waving a positive pregnancy test in Liam’s face and shrieking “STAY WITH ME OR I WILL GO TO THE PRESS!” Here’s a fun complete non-sequitur: “Although reps for Miley and Liam deny any pregnancy scare rumors, the time following was intensely emotional.” According to a “friend” of the ex-couple, “Miley will bite her tongue and not slam him in public,” which could only be meant metaphorically because Miley’s tongue is quickly becoming her best accessory. In other news, Backdoor Teen Mom Farrah Abraham’s 4-year-old daughter is already in therapy because Farrah is worried that her frequent absences are traumatizing to her child. Farrah Abraham’s “job” seems to be nightclub-to-nightclub false vagina salesperson, which requires that she travel a lot. The child, for the record, “usually says that everything is okay.” Elsewhere in the magazine, Khloe Kardashian’s revenge body is discussed at length. The copy cheerfully extols the virtues of what sounds like a serious eating disorder: “[Working out 3 times a day] gives her a sense of control when the whole world is falling apart,” says a ‘pal,’ pretty much reading aloud a clinical description of the psychology of eating disorders from a textbook. Notes another ‘family insider’: “Whatever [Khloe] eats, she immediately tries to burn off by exercising, before the calories get stored to fat… It’s a little hardcore, but I don’t think it’s gone too far.” Because obsessively attempting to burn off every single calorie consumed is totally healthy if it yields a super sick revenge bod, right? Moving on: Rob Pattinson has put the Spanish-style mansion he once shared with Kristen Stewart on the market, because he no longer wants to think about her at all any more; being by the pool likely reminds him of all the golden afternoons he and K-Stew spent scowling in lounge chairs and muttering about how all Twilight fans are fat.
Grade: F (dead bodies in the closet)
Life & Style
“HOW I LOST 49 LBS!”
Here’s another tale of “FAMOUS WOMAN SHAMED INTO LOSING WEIGHT.” This old narrative really warms the cockles of the heart. After lots of celebrities made comments about Christina Aguilera’s weight, the singer felt humiliated and lost 49 pounds. Now she has a “revenge body.” Hurrah (weeps quietly into keyboard). In other news, Liam Hemsworth is allegedly already in love, and Miley Cyrus is having a breakdown. Liam was spotted making out with Mexican singer Eiza Gonzales in da club, like, last week, so it’s no surprise that the two are already “using the L-word.” According to a backstage source, after Miley broke down and wept at her iHeartRadio Music Festival performance, “she locked herself in her dressing room. These horrible screams and cries were coming out of the room, and things were getting smashed.” This is a really sad tale; so sad that I won’t even make an exorcism joke. Liam, you (allegedly) callous monster. Also, Miley is dealing with her sorrow by humping a lot of things: a live pink monkey, “little people dressed in S&M gear,” the floor. Let’s move on: Rob Pattinson is moving on with Sean Penn’s daughter, Dylan Penn. He took her to a Mickey Avalon concert in what has been described as “Kristen Stewart’s worst nightmare,” probably because she’s realizing now that she dated someone who listens to Mickey Avalon. Elsewhere in the mag, Melissa Joan Hart opens up about her party girl days, and it’s… uhhh… very enlightening. She talks about doing ecstasy at the Playboy Mansion in 1999 and then making out with a girl in the limo at 5 am (get it, Sabrina!), and also calls James Van Der Beek “James Van Der Blah,” because he is bad in the kissing department. BURN.
Grade: D (wasp nest in the closet)
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