This Week in Tabloids: Katy Perry's Beauty Routine Is 90 Minutes Long

Here we go again: Every Wednesday it’s Midweek Madness, which involves sending Callie Beusman to the newsstand to buy In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Star and Ok!. She kindly assists as we rummage through the closets of the tabloids. This week: RPatz is shtupping the spawn of Sean Penn; Miley Cyrus is digging a hole and covering it with leaves, hoping to catch a kid (or man); and Katy Perry’s beauty routine takes an hour and a half. Let’s do this.

“MILEY’S BABY TRAP”

According to this “exclusive” cover story, Miley Cyrus has concocted a baby trap. A baby trap is not when you put, like, a pacifier and a saucer of milk under a box propped up by a stick attached to a rope — it’s when you utilize a positive pregnancy test to trap someone into a relationship with you. The mag claims that this is what happened with Miley and Liam Hemsworth; months ago, says a source, Miley started waving a positive pregnancy test in Liam’s face and shrieking “STAY WITH ME OR I WILL GO TO THE PRESS!” Here’s a fun complete non-sequitur: “Although reps for Miley and Liam deny any pregnancy scare rumors, the time following was intensely emotional.” According to a “friend” of the ex-couple, “Miley will bite her tongue and not slam him in public,” which could only be meant metaphorically because Miley’s tongue is quickly becoming her best accessory. In other news, Backdoor Teen Mom Farrah Abraham’s 4-year-old daughter is already in therapy because Farrah is worried that her frequent absences are traumatizing to her child. Farrah Abraham’s “job” seems to be nightclub-to-nightclub false vagina salesperson, which requires that she travel a lot. The child, for the record, “usually says that everything is okay.” Elsewhere in the magazine, Khloe Kardashian’s revenge body is discussed at length. The copy cheerfully extols the virtues of what sounds like a serious eating disorder: “[Working out 3 times a day] gives her a sense of control when the whole world is falling apart,” says a ‘pal,’ pretty much reading aloud a clinical description of the psychology of eating disorders from a textbook. Notes another ‘family insider’: “Whatever [Khloe] eats, she immediately tries to burn off by exercising, before the calories get stored to fat… It’s a little hardcore, but I don’t think it’s gone too far.” Because obsessively attempting to burn off every single calorie consumed is totally healthy if it yields a super sick revenge bod, right? Moving on: Rob Pattinson has put the Spanish-style mansion he once shared with Kristen Stewart on the market, because he no longer wants to think about her at all any more; being by the pool likely reminds him of all the golden afternoons he and K-Stew spent scowling in lounge chairs and muttering about how all Twilight fans are fat.

Grade: F (dead bodies in the closet)

“HOW I LOST 49 LBS!”

Here’s another tale of “FAMOUS WOMAN SHAMED INTO LOSING WEIGHT.” This old narrative really warms the cockles of the heart. After lots of celebrities made comments about Christina Aguilera’s weight, the singer felt humiliated and lost 49 pounds. Now she has a “revenge body.” Hurrah (weeps quietly into keyboard). In other news, Liam Hemsworth is allegedly already in love, and Miley Cyrus is having a breakdown. Liam was spotted making out with Mexican singer Eiza Gonzales in da club, like, last week, so it’s no surprise that the two are already “using the L-word.” According to a backstage source, after Miley broke down and wept at her iHeartRadio Music Festival performance, “she locked herself in her dressing room. These horrible screams and cries were coming out of the room, and things were getting smashed.” This is a really sad tale; so sad that I won’t even make an exorcism joke. Liam, you (allegedly) callous monster. Also, Miley is dealing with her sorrow by humping a lot of things: a live pink monkey, “little people dressed in S&M gear,” the floor. Let’s move on: Rob Pattinson is moving on with Sean Penn’s daughter, Dylan Penn. He took her to a Mickey Avalon concert in what has been described as “Kristen Stewart’s worst nightmare,” probably because she’s realizing now that she dated someone who listens to Mickey Avalon. Elsewhere in the mag, Melissa Joan Hart opens up about her party girl days, and it’s… uhhh… very enlightening. She talks about doing ecstasy at the Playboy Mansion in 1999 and then making out with a girl in the limo at 5 am (get it, Sabrina!), and also calls James Van Der Beek “James Van Der Blah,” because he is bad in the kissing department. BURN.

Grade: D (wasp nest in the closet)

“Dumped!”

Kanye West has not actually dumped Kim Kardashian, but the headline inside reads “Rasing Her Baby ALONE,” because Yeezy has been apart from Kim “for at least 32 days since they welcomed Nori in June.” The folks at In Toca know this because they counted. Kanye has been — GASP — fulfilling work duties like traveling to Paris for a concert, as well as a few social outings — fashion week in New York, John Legend’s wedding in Italy. So when Kim Kardashian had to go to LA City Hall to get a passport for North, she had to go ALONE, and by alone the mag means with an assistant and a nanny carrying the baby. Fun “fact”: Nori is only allowed to wear black, cream or white. “No color is allowed.” So says Kanye, so say we all. Moving on! Robert Pattinson is hooking up with Dylan Penn, daughter of Sean Penn and Robin Wright. They’ve hit The Viper Room and Chateau Marmont and Rob’s bed, bow chicka bow wow. What else? Teen Mom 2‘s Kailyn Lowry got pregnant-married, and her color palette was actually quite pretty (Fig. 1). Miley Cyrus is acting like everything is okay, but she’s actually devastated that Liam Hemsworth is already dating Eiza Gonzalez because she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him and he dumped her. Sniffle. Khloe Kardashian has dropped “Odom” from her Instagram account name, which is a legally binding way of saying “shit is not cool between us.” Nicki Minaj ordered a steak at Nobu and then proceeded to pull a bottle of steak sauce from her purse and pour it all over the steak. Star chefs were meant to cry? John Stamos is fifty and sick of being a bachelor: “I’m happiest when I’m in a relationship.” Won’t someone date Uncle Jesse? Finally, Ashley Horn, aka Michael Lohan’s love child and Lindsay Lohan’s half-sister, got plastic surgery to look more like LiLo: “I wanted to look like Lindsay in her good days, when she was younger and natural.” Ouch. Damn.

Grade: D (rats nest in the closet)

“DIVORCE GETS UGLY!”

BREAKING: Kris Jenner is an awful, self-centered person. According to this investigative scoop, the Kardashian matriarch went off partying in Mexico with Joe Francis while her husband recovered from surgery. She is also sending “steamy sexts” to her former lover, Todd Waterman. The mag predicts divorce on the horizon. In other Kardashian news, Lamar Odom’s dad blames the Kardashian Klan for his son’s drug problems and stalled basketball career. He has publicly urged his son to get a divorce (the theme of this magazine is Kardashian Divorce). Moving on: Daniel Radcliffe smoked a joint and it yielded this sublime sentence: “Daniel Radcliffe may have been on the road to sobriety, but he took a detour to Stonerville!” Blessed be. Simon Cowell’s soon-to-be baby mama Lauren Silverman is annoyed that he has not given up his womanizing ways; Mr. Cowell believes he will be a good father without necessarily being monogamous, and there is so much drama. Yawn. Next: the mag dredges up the “dark pasts” of several DWTS contestants; most of it is reaching, to say the least. For example: Amber Riley didn’t make it onto American Idol! She was heartbroken! But now she’s very famous from Glee! People used to make fun of Corbin Bleu for looking like a girl! But now he’s moderately famous from High School Musical! One time, Noel Kahn from Pretty Little Liars had a bong! DARK PASTS. Finally, an article expresses concern about Zac Efron, complete with “DARK DISNEY” infographic (Fig 2), in case you’ve forgotten that Shia LeBeouf is crazy now.

Grade: C- (R. Kelly in the closet)

“OUR FAMILY SECRETS”

Ummm… We don’t watch this show, which appears to be about a family of ducks who were transformed into humans by a witch and cannot cut their hair lest they turn back into fowl. But here are some phrases from the six-page cover story: “We grew up real poor” “we are crude” “that’s the way we are showing Christianity” “our men have big beards” “we can’t be put into a stereotype” “we’re pretty open people” “we put family first” “we went to see Matilda and Newsies on Broadway and then went to the US Open” “we know the fame is temporary.” None of these seem like “secrets,” but whatever. Moving on: Cher did the “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” column and it is epic; she namedrops Meryl Streep, Jack Nicholson and Andy Warhol, and claims: “I had two imaginary friends when I was little. They were both lumberjacks.” (Fig 3) Kim Kardashian is on a no-carb diet and “finally feels good again.” Nina Dobrev, aka Elena from Vampire Diaries, is dating Dancing With The Stars‘ Derek Hough. Apparently she was hanging a lot with his sister Julianne, and “then she fell for him.” This is cool but also ruins our fantasy of Derek falling for Amber Riley and making out with her on live TV as they tango. In Zac Efron news, he knew he needed to get help when “partying started becoming more important to him than acting,” and now Rob Lowe is his sober coach. Dark hair/blue eyed former teen heartthrobs unite. Last, but definitely not least, Katy Perry has a quick ‘n easy 90-minute beauty routine. (Fig. 4) Start with cleanser, then do a serum mist, then concealer, a little powder, some bronzer, draw on lip liner, apply lip stain, stick on the false lashes, drag a little eye pencil, a dusting of eye shadow, swish of mascara, brush of blush, rub on some lotion, sprinkle some dry shampoo and spritz some perfume. And voila! You feel like a plastic bag.

Grade: C- (smelly old sneakers in the closet)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from Star

Fig. 3, from Us

Fig. 4, from Us