This Week in Tabloids: Kate & Queen Locked in Flaming Hell-War of Egos

By Jia Tolentino | February 25, 2015 | 9:10pm

Celebrities

Welcome to Midweek Madness, in which a Slinky filled with loose Dayquil capsules falls down a fire escape in Soho and lands in a pile of discarded fake eyelashes outside an embarrassingly aggressive club. I’m your host, the one you thought you got rid of. This week, we’ll learn all about how Leo dissed Rihanna, Kim wants a DIVORCE, Jessica Biel won’t let Justin Timberlake see a baby come out of her vagina, and Taylor Swift stays skinny by eating GRUBS, SEEDS, AND REGURGITATED PLANT MATTER (eating like a bird).

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KATE RUSHED TO HOSPITAL!

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“Palace orders media blackout!” screams the cover. I love media blackouts but the hangovers are THE WORST! We begin our journey with some absolutely shocking news about Jennifer Aniston—at the Oscars, she was “straight-up drunk!” She “grabbed Selena Gomez’s butt and told Sofia Vergara she wanted to ‘eat her up.'” Some other people at the Oscars were NOT getting along quite as sexually: Chrissy Teigen rolled her eyes at NPH, Meryl Streep didn’t want to talk to Jessica Chastain, Jared Leto “ogled” Behati Prinsloo in front of Adam Levine. Emma Stone sent Andrew Garfield videos from the red carpet all night long, which is really sweet. The cover also talks about why Clint Eastwood was “snubbed” at the Oscars—”his staunchly Republican views.” Probably because he’s white, too! The last tidbit of disturbing news is that Anna Wintour and Rita Ora were talking a lot at dinner. “Congratulations to the Boost Mobile Rihanna on her first Vogue cover” is what I’ll be blogging from my deathbed in approximately seven months.

Back to the First Family of Calabasas: Kendall and Kylie are mad that Kim brought Nori to Fashion Week to overshadow them—they think their sister was using the baby “against them to get attention.” Scratch the “against them” and they probably nailed it! Okay, Kris Jenner has moved her boyf into the house and is “cooking, cleaning, and paying for everything,” only one of which I believe. Back to Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence (??), their “showmance” and “sizzle” has “fizzled.” No more “flirtatious friendship” on the set of their new movie Joy. They’re just in director’s chairs far across an empty lot, locked in a Brechtian fart battle until the end of time. Back to RihCaprio: Leo said Rih-o was “no one special.” EXSQUEEZE ME???

Okay, here’s the cover story. Kate Middleton had a false alarm about having her baby but she’s not actually having her baby and it’s all okay!!! She’s been having Braxton Hicks contractions, and one day had really sharp pains and went to the hospital, and then 24 hours later was cleared. “She kept saying ‘Are you sure?'” says the source, which is cute, imagining Kate repeating that over and over again. Since then, Kate’s hired round-the-clock nurses, and is *STRESSIN* because William is going to be in East Asia for business for awhile, and the stress is *SHOWIN* because she didn’t dye her roots? Whatever. The article is followed by a nasty little two-page spread about who is losing weight better than who, post-baby Blake Lively or post-baby Kelly Clarkson. Guess which person the tabloid thinks is doing it better? Later, my horoscope says “Life is moving at top speed, and you have no time to waste on unproductive people,” so I think I’ll take that as my cue to move on.

Grade: D- (sharting while saying your marriage vows)

OK!

TWINS!

The ESTEEMED MAGAZEEN starts off strong with a “simulated re-creation” of the fatal car crash in Malibu that may have Bruce Jenner up for vehicular manslaughter charges: he is apparently also known for aggressive driving around his own neighborhood. YEESH okay let’s just move on because Brangelina’s children WANNA GO TO REAL SCHOOL! (Brad, ever so Midwestern, is into this idea and probably like “Huh, I’ll guest teach shop class, bahh, let’s build houses for birds”; Angelina is coming around and is stopping by various LA schools [VIA BROOMSTICK, PROBABLY] to see what’s suitable for her brood.) Ariana Grande and Lea Michele are having BITCH FIGHTS on the set of Scream Queens, their new project with Ryan Murphy. Ariana “rolls her eyes anytime Lea talks.” Ariana’s just a baby though, she can’t even see that far, the eyes do that accidentally.

Kim wants Bey to move to her neighborhood in Los Angeles, but “Bey doesn’t do suburbs—especially one populated by B-list actors and reality stars,” says the kind country grandma OK! found to be a source. Teresa “Ikea Monkey” Giudice has gained 15 pounds in her one month in prison because she won’t eat cafeteria food, but just “high-fat concessions.” I’ve made some high-fat concessions in my life you know what I mean airport Cinnabon on the return flight you feel me? Jessica Biel has “banned” Justin Timberlake from the delivery room because she is “terrified for her husband to see her in pain and looking awful.” I believe that’s what the Lord would have wanted you to do, MARY CAMDEN! Tom Brady is going to give Gisele Bundchen his Super Bowl Ring, which I bet is going to mean SOOOOOOO much to her omg. Blake Lively “clearly didn’t use [her pregnancy] as a ‘license to eat,'” says a “fitness and weight-loss expert” who probably makes everyone cry in the line for the bar bathroom. OMG JAMIE CHUNG GOT SOMBRÉ, which is not a misspelling of SOMBER, but subtle + ombré. Horrible words! And Joan Rivers’ Upper East Side apartment, which she called what Marie Antoinette would have wanted “if she had money,” is on the market for $28 million—it includes crystal chandeliers and 23-foot ceilings painted to look like a blue sky.

HERE’s the cover story: “Buzz” is “flying” that Cameron Diaz is pregnant WITH TWINS! This is apparently supposed to make her very happy after so many years of her being like “I’m happy” and “LOL idiots can’t you see I’m legit really happy.” Apparently she told Benji about THE BABIES right as the clock struck midnight at New Years. Benji, of course, is a twin himself, so he’s like WEEE, MORE OF ME. Says the mag: “They both knew that, at 42, Cameron didn’t have a lot of time to waste. She’s constantly saying, ‘I never dreamed I could be this happy.'” Cool cool. Finally, the magazine is trying to say that Dakota Johnson and Jamie FiftyShades have gone from zero chemistry to chemistry so undeniable and suppressed that they’re in “dangerous” territory. We’ve got to have another narrative for the next publicity tour, anyway.

Grade: F+ (getting locked overnight inside the Union Square Forever 21)

inTouch

KIM HIRES DIVORCE LAWYER

On Valentine’s Day, noted Mariah Carey ex Nick Cannon went on a Tavern on the Green dinner date with Nicole Murphy, ex-fiancee of Michael Strahan and ex-wife of Eddie Murphy, and a Mariah Carey song played during dinner. And…. the couple didn’t even notice! “It was crazy,” says a source. Okay. Selena Gomez is sad that people think her V cover looks like “child pornography.” She can’t help it that she looks like a baby! At the Oscars, Kerry Washington showed Jennifer Hudson baby pics on her phone, Miley Cyrus didn’t want to talk to Selena Gomez (there with “DJ Zedd”), and Michael Keaton “shoveled food into his mouth.” He ate. “It was crazy,” said me.

Mila Kunis is very new mom sad blue lady because of the PAST which is coming back to HAUNT HER, i.e. Ashton Kutcher once got an old no-name girlfriend pregnant—she apparently miscarried—an he also reportedly got Demi Moore pregnant before she miscarried as well. Mila has the Baby Blues and is worried about being fat and Ashton cheating and all that bullshit she seems SUPES CHILL and I bet she’s fine. Okay here’s the $200 MILLION DIVORCE! Apparently Kim has hired a divorce attorney from an L.A. firm, because she’s finally had enough of Kanye’s “egotistical, controlling” behavior—and believes that he is cheating and wants to get ahead of the Amber Rose Bad Bitch tell-all and whatnot. The $200 million is their combined net worth, and Kim wants all of it, blah blah blah, Kim wants control and to wreck their prenup and to take advantage of all the tacky $$$ opportunities that Kanye doesn’t want her to do because they’re bad for their image. “She wants her old life back.” Does she? You think cleaning out Paris Hilton’s closet was that good? Kim’s publicist denies that she has hired a divorce attorney. Kim seems P HAPPY 2 ME.

Lastly there are some pics of Bruce Jenner dressed up as a woman on a 1981 Bob Hope comedy special. Bruce Jenner in drag looks really nice! Big voluminous black hair, bold eyes, contouring—family style. Diana Ross is about to cut Ashlee Simpson and Evan Ross off from the Ross family payroll. Imagine Ashlee sort of ambiently humming “On a Monday, I am waiting,” and Diana just making her shrink back into her skull. Hilary Duff filed for divorce from her husband of four years, former NHL player Mike Comrie, after he propositioned a steakhouse waitress and then tried to pay someone at the bar for sex. Liv Tyler gave birth to a tiny Sailor. (That is her baby’s name, which I believe makes it illegal for that baby to actually work as a sailor. Also, her boyfriend’s last name is Gardner; if baby is Sailor Gardner I will bet that it will do NEITHER!)

Grade: D- (road tripping with your best friend and then a hawk flies into your windshield and dies)

Life & Style

AT WAR WITH THE QUEEN

Hey guys guess what Taylor Swift’s SECRET TO STAYING SKINNY is??? It’s not “burning calories as she shakes off all her haters,” the magazine would like you to know LMAO LMAO I see what you did there no no. It’s CHIA SEEDS. She’ll “put a few scoops in a smoothie in the morning, then eat like a bird all day long!” So…. it’s chia seeds, insect grubs, sizzurp from the bird feeder, and regurgitated crap from her mom. Coolllll! Here is a really bracing celebrity spotting—Corey Feldman eating at Johnny Rockets at Mohegan Sun during the casino’s Totally Awesome ’80s Weekend. Michelle Branch, 31, is divorcing her 50-year-old husband. MY GAWD IS FEBRUARY OVER YET OR WHAT, MY FRIENDS?

Quote from Charlie Hunnam: “My favorite smell in the world is my cat, George.”

All RIGHT, here’s the cover story: Kate Middleton was just chillin at Queen Elizabeth’s country estate when Queen Elizabeth was just casually like “Hey so, what are you thinking in terms of after the baby’s born, like are you going to get help, or,” and Kate was like “Nah, my mom’s going to come hang for a bit, but I think we’ve got it,” and then ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE and Kensington Palace descended into fire and locusts and wind-up dolls of men saying “Actually” and “Correct” over and over on a loop and here we are, the next royal baby is going to be born in Satan’s butt now. Kate, who is in hell, is also in ALL-OUT WAR. All-out hell war. “To Kate, who was raised a commoner, nothing could be more normal than having her beloved mom help out after the baby was born,” sayeth this scroll of ancient parchment. But your life is not really royal unless you have people serve you! That’s what the Queen says. And to say F U QUEEN, Kate is planning on moving in with her parents for a few weeks after the baby’s born—and also *MAYYYBE* naming the kid Diana, as if she could do that without being executed—and William is being supportive, as always, of his wife’s choices. The magazine points a big arrow at Kate Middleton’s middle section, insinuating that the Queen strife has made Kate not gain enough Wate. “Tiniest bump EVAR,” they say, sipping the very end of an iced coffee.

Fake quote from Jennifer Aniston to Justin Theroux: “Marry Me Now!”

There’s more in here about those Selena Gomez pictures, in one of which she is really dressed up like a literal infant at an early-90s JC Penney photo studio. You wonder where the confusion really came from here. “The concept was all about her being a young teenage heartthrob who breaks boys’ hearts,” says an insider. Ah, yes: the throb that breaks the heart it lives in. The concept was her about being “young teenage,” the aesthetic was her being “infant doll,” and Selena thought it was a perfect opportunity to show the world she was “grown up and sexy.” How could any of those signals POSSIBLY have gotten crossed?

And finally, that paternity suit against Jay Z is happening—a 21-year-old guy from New Jersey named Rymir Satterthwaite is saying he’s the son of Hov, and Beyoncé is mad, etc. Finally, there’s a spread called “Sexier with Age” that talks about how “age is just a number” for Aging Starlets like Kate Hudson, 35. LOL.

Grade: F (someone telling a 35-year-old that she’s aging really well)

Addendum:

Fig. 1, Life & Style

Fig. 2-5, inTouch