This Week In Tabloids: Kate Middleton's Unborn Twins Return to the Spotlight
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Intern Tanisha Love Ramirez assists as we attempt to relax with gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star. This week, Robsten 2.0 has launched, but not without a few bugs; lonely latch-key kid Suri Cruise crawls to school through a cardboard tunnel; and Kate Middleton is pregnant with twins for the second September in a row.
Ok!
“Yes! They’re Together Again”
After what the mag refers to as the “car-seat fling” (which sounds like a great party game at the Honey Boo-Boo residence) “the frost” between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart is starting to melt, causing friends whose shoulders he wept on, and couches he slept on to roll their eyes in unison. Though Robsten have not confirmed a reconciliation the mag offers hardcore evidence of the rebuilding of Robsten 2.0. Evidence such as: Unnamed sources claiming that Rob has called Kristen his soulmate, out of context quotes from Kristen’s public apology to Rob, and of course, the recycled pictures of Kristen recycling Rob’s clothes. In more imaginative and original news, Kanye thinks that Kim’s ass is too assy. Kanye wants Kim to lose about 20 lbs. by going on Beyonce’s Dreamgirls liquid cleanse, so that her ass can become the face of his new clothing line. Britney’s less-zitty face is considered a “Hot Story” by the mag, as editors give us insight to how the Brit got rid of her acne. Spoiler: She cut sugar from her diet and has her makeup misted on by the flapping of a million angel wings — or X Factor makeup artists. Whichevs are available. Moving on to low-maintenance starlets, Suri Cruise’s posh school has made an effort to protect her privacy by erecting a cardboard tunnel through which she and her mother, Katie “Home-Free” Holmes, crawl to get the tot safely into school, where the mag states, she’s “just another one of the more than 700 students…” Suri is a normal kid, ya’ll! A normal kid who crawls into her school via a cardboard tunnel erected to keep paparazzi from taking pictures of her as she enters her $40,000 a year private school. Jeah, right! Next: In an article titled “Twins for Will & Kate” the mag will have you believe that the Duke and Duchess of procreation are now expecting what would be their third set of ITF (In Tabloid Fertilization) twins. But don’t buy matching golden rattles filled with the teeth of the poor just yet: Though the young royals have “had a lot of baby-making time together,” Kate’s uterus is still vacant. Meanwhile, teen egg donor Jenelle Evans’ family is worried that she’ll die of a drug overdose and have done the only sensible thing a family could do: Speak to the tabloids about it. Jenelle’s sister, Ashleigh, shares that Jenelle’s mother, Barbara, broke into Jenelle’s apartment to check in on her and found her strung out, to which Jenelle responded by pressing breaking and entering charges against her mother. Oh, you guys! And finally, Maci Bookout and Ryan Edwards of Teen Mom shame are getting back together and are set to make a new little bundle…of cash. The two contentious exes are in talks with MTV to begin filming a spinoff, but Ryan is holding out for more money. Ryan wants $20,000 an episode, which breaks down to about a nickel for every insult he’s ever hurled at Maci.
Grade: D- (napping with a jackhammer working on concrete outside the window)
Life & Style
“Kourtney: I Am So Alone”
In an effort to conserve news and waste paper the mag recycles baseless reports that Kourtney Kardashian is all alone. Out of context pictures “prove” that Kourtney is left holding the babies while her baby daddy, Scott Dicky Disick goes out and parties. Next! Kate Middleton is understandably upset that everyone has seen her uppertons splashed across the pages of a French magazine. The socialist editor of the magazine says that she shouldn’t get her bra in a twist, because her royal breasts are not any more special than the run of the mill, commoner breast spotted on a topless beach. Shyeah, get over yourself, Princess! Eye roll. In an article that goes to show that one mag’s evidence of reconciliation is another mag’s evidence of annoyance, Life & Style uses the same evidence that Ok! used to prove that Robsten 2.0 was going to debut along with the new iPhone, to prove that Robert Pattinson is so over Kristen Stewart. Ok! cited K-Stew’s smiling, gushing over Rob and wearing his old clothes as moves that have gotten Rob to warm up to her again; Life & Style insists that these moves have only gained Rob’s ire. Rob is all, “leave me alone!” and Kristen just won’t back off. Maybe she’s been reading Ok! And finally, in the best use of paper the mag has made, pretty shiny pictures of pretty topless men: (Fig. 1) You’re welcome!
Grade: D (sleeping with a klieg light pointing at your face)
In Touch
“Abandoned By Daddy”
Tom Cruise is the worst father since Joe Jackson because he was working on a film in London, causing him to miss Suri’s first day of school! Burn him now! In a thorough skewering, the mag provides comments by family friends, a therapists who does not treat the family and ex-Scientologists to weigh in on just how shitty of a dad Tom Cruise is for missing his daughter’s first day of school. The mag suggests that perhaps Tom has abandoned his daughter because he is practicing shutting out what are known in Scientology as “suppressive people”, aka non-believers, aka the mentally sound. Since Suri’s been hanging out with her mom, a suppressive person, Tom has begun to disassociate himself with her. Womp, womp! Meanwhile, the Kardashians wish they could disassociate themselves from their mother, Kris “Krazy-Legs” Jenner, after a recent string of scene-stealing stunts she pulled. Kris, photographed seemingly doing the whop and possibly the Harlem shake (Fig. 2), is apparently spiraling out of control, because she wants to party all night, is featured on an Australian magazine cover in a bikini, and won’t stop talking about her breasts, when she should be coddling her three adult daughters who are suffering in silence on the sidelines. Let the woman shake what the doctors gave her! Meanwhile, after her appearance on Katie Couric’s new show, Jessica Simpson has been dealing with a lot of internet troll haterade, and it’s really getting to her. The mag makes a move to defend Jessica, writing “Critics may not know that Jessica has been working hard to drop the weight, doing at least 60 minutes of cardio daily and watching her food ‘points’…” and then publishes a boobilicious pic of the starlet in a flowy, flowery, unflattering dress, with her haters’ words printed right beside her. Fail! Moving on, Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn are filming their first movie together in seven years and have brought their adorable toddlers along with them. Will Owen’s son will be sneaking out of Vince’s daughter’s room in about seventeen years? (Fig. 3) In another great feat of Olympic-style jumping to conclusions, the mag uses images of Chris Brown’s new fighter pilot tattoo, located under his pecs, and Rihanna’s underboob goddess tattoo as proof that the two are bumping and/or grinding. In an article indicative of a slow news week, Lisa Lampanelli, the self-proclaimed queen of mean, declares that gastric surgery is a girl’s best friend. After cutting her stomach into a fraction of its original size, Lampanelli skewers and takes a bite out of other celebrities who have famously struggled with their weight, including Victoria Beckham, Kirstie Alley and Kathy Griffin. (Fig. 4) Barf!
Grade: D+ (being massaged on grass while a lawn mower mows around you)
Us
“She Tried to Destroy My Family”
Since we don’t watch this show, we have zero interest in this cover story, which seems to involve a gorgon, no, correction, Melissa Gorga and Teresa Guiduce from Real Housewives of New Jersey. Um, dark haired ladies be feuding? Here are some out of context phrases: “had reached a détente in their epic family feud” “Gorga flipped” “Giudice got iced out” “sneaky cookbook author” “quietly plotting” “feigned concern” “sneak attack” “hurt my marriage” “makes my skin crawl.” And the best part:
For the record, you were never a stripper.
Correct. I was a bartender. Lookers was not even a strip club. There was no nudity. It was girls wearing bikinis.
Wow. Newsy. Also inside: Us loves to mock the competition every now and then, hence the “Fake News Of The Week” page. (Fig. 5) Jennifer Lopez’s boyfriend Casper Smart is good with the kids, mostly because he plays video games with them. Taylor Swift is “obsessed” with Connor Kennedy, and they’ve been having dates in which they go antiquing and then order hot fudge sundaes at Friendly’s, because everything Taylor does must be ADORABLE and right out of a J. Crew catalog and also he is not old enough to drink. Gwyneth Paltrow is over Madonna and putting all of her energy into nurturing Cameron Diaz and setting her up with guys. Kristen Stewart has been driving 40 minutes from Malibu to Los Feliz to visit Robert Pattinson, who is staying in his buddy’s guest house, and they are “working it out” and having a “dramatic makeup” which means they had hours and hours of ess eee ex. In case you were wondering how a photographer managed to take photos of Kate Middleton topless, here’s a diagram: He was almost a mile away, around a bend, aiming over two walls. (Fig. 6) Last, but not least, you’ve been thinking of getting a pixie cut, right? Here’s some garbage about face shape and how it only works for Rihanna. (Fig. 7)
Grade: C- (sipping tea sitting in a sea kayak in a hurricane)
Star
“It’s Twins!”
This is not the first time the OB-GYNs at the mag have declared Kate Middleton to be carrying two fetuses at once. We heard this in 2011. Either those kids are still in there and something’s gone terribly wrong, or the tabloids cannot be trusted. As you’ll recall, this time around, Kate got knocked up because the Olympics made her and Wills horny. Anyway, a “family friend” claims that the Pantene Princess had an HCG test done, and her hormone level indicated twins. Photographic evidence claims she is “growing and glowing” but people usually glow when they’re visiting tropical islands, it’s called humidity. (Fig. 8) When William was in Singapore on September 12, and a young boy asked him, “how many children would you like,” Wills replied, “I’m thinking about two,” almost giving it away. The royals are waiting to announce the good news, but in the meantime, we can read quotes from royal experts, who explain that the throne will go to the first born, whether it is a girl or a boy, even if there are mere minutes between them. And thus a screenplay is born. Tentatively titled Six Minutes Dougie Fresh You’re On, it’s the tale of a prince who will never be king because his twin sister was technically born first. He launches a rap career, naturally. Also inside: The new Bachelor is not Ryan Jeah Lochte but Sean Lowe, a man the editors believe is the hottest bachelor ever. But he looks like what would happen if they had P90x and Jack 3D in Blue Lagoon. (Fig. 9) Courteney Cox is calling Jennifer Aniston eight times a day, distraught that she hasn’t rebounded after her marriage to David Arquette disintegrated and he’s hooking up with all these young girls. “Courteney calls Jen at 2 a.m. in tears,” a source says, “and it’s driving Justin [Theroux] crazy.” No one told him life was gonna be this way (handclap). What else? Chris Pine is losing his hair. Gwen Stefani wants to have a baby girl. The Honey Boo Boo family has gone “from redneck to riches” but Mama will always clip coupons. And finally: Did Jason Trawick cheat on Britney Spears? He allegedly got wasted and went back to the W Hollywood hotel with a bunch of friends and two “erotic dancers” named Alina and Malina. Days later, Britney was seen without her engagement ring, DUNDUN DUN.
Grade: C (doing yoga surrounded by rattlesnakes)
Addendum
Fig. 1, Life & Style
Fig. 2, In Touch
Fig. 3, In Touch
Fig. 4, In Touch
Fig. 5, from Us
Fig. 6, from Us
Fig. 7, from Us
Fig. 8, from Star
Fig. 9, from Star
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