This Week In Tabloids: Kate Middleton May Already Be Pregnant
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we party in the pages of In Touch, Star, Life & Style, Ok! and Us, looking for a good time. This week, Scarlett Johansson has moved in with Sean Penn, Christina Aguilera’s boyfriend is a Cinderfella, and Kate Middleton and Prince William are tackling the tough work of producing a future monarch.
Life & Style
“A Ring For Kim!”
First we must point out that Kim Kardashian does not actually have an engagement ring. She wants a ring — over 10 carats — and she’s been dreaming about her wedding. “I already know what my gown is going to look like,” she says. Also, she wants a big family — three to five kids — and plans to keep the K-name tradition alive. A friend says if Kim has a boy, he will be Kristopher Jr., after his dad. Anyway: Not engaged. But they could be married by the end of the year. Moving on. A former friend of Jenelle from Teen Mom heard a rumor that Jenelle is pregnant again and tells the mag Jenelle would definitely have another kid “for the fame.” Angelina Jolie went to Tunisia, “risking her life,” and Brad is “worried sick” about her — he doesn’t want his children to grow up without their mother. An insider says: “Sometimes Angelina acts as if she cares more about what’s going on in the world than about her family.” That’s right! FUCK LIBYA, WHAT IS SHILOH DOING RIGHT NOW?! Here is an incredibly insightful quote from a parenting expert: “If something were to happen to [Angelina], it would be such a tremendous loss for her children.” ORLY? Christina Aguilera’s boyfriend is a “Cinderfella,” because when she went with him to his hometown of Newport, Rhode Island, instead of staying in his “ramshackle” apartment that he shares with three roommates, they checked into a luxury hotel. Well, DUH. Xtina ain’t stayin’ in no dump! Now the boyfriend, Matthew Rutler, is living with Christina in her mansion, and that’s why the story is titled “Christina Transforms Her Man’s World.” There’s a fairy godmother-type wand on the page, just in case you don’t know how magical money can be. Courteney Cox is “breaking the number one rule between girlfriends” by dating someone Jennifer Aniston went out with: Josh Hopkins. Former congressman Larry Hopkins, Josh’s dad, apparently doesn’t have much to do, because he tells the mag: “I know he went out on some dates with Jennifer.” As for Courteney, Larry says: “They’re both very good looking people. I know he likes her and is very fond of her.” Thanks, Larry. Lastly, Bethenny Frankel is talking about her boobs. She used to have implants, but has had them removed. Headline: “I Finally Love My Breasts.” Quote: “I’m not self-conscious anymore. I’ll walk around the house naked. The Bravo camera people have all seen me naked. Ask them what they think of my boobs.”
Grade: F (Tang and chess)
Ok!
“Leah Dumped By Corey.”
Teen Mom‘s Leah and her husband Corey got married in October, and after “fighting constantly,” they have separated and have been living apart for two weeks. Corey allegedly plans to file for divorce. The couple squabbled over money from MTV — Leah wanted to buy a house, while Corey wanted to buy a truck. Also, Leah is into her newfound fame and has signed on for two more seasons of the show, while Corey is not as enthused. A source says: “Corey just wanted to live his life. He’s just a redneck.” The cover claims that Corey is taking the twins, but inside, we learn that it’s “Leah’s worst nightmare” that he would try and take them from her. In other words: A lie! In other Teen Mom news, Maci is engaged. Allegedly. Moving on: Scarlett Johansson is pregnant, according to “body type guru” Dr. Edward Jackowski. He says: “Scarlett looks like she is about three and half months pregnant. Her hips and buttocks have started to spread, in addition to the bump she’s showing.” This dude must think ALL Americans are nine months pregnant, including the men, because ScarJo’s “bump” is actually just a slight curve as a result of having internal organs. “Rob’s Ready To Put A Ring On It” as all about how Robert Pattinson has bought a 19th century rose cut diamond cluster rose gold ring for Kristen Stewart. It is not, repeat, not, an engagement ring. It is a promise ring. But he’s been showing off the $17,000 ring, made in the 1800s, to his buddies, and the sidebar here claims that since the couple have been filming romantic scenes for Breaking Dawn, “Bella’s giving him WEDDING FEVER.” Hey, at least it’s a man who’s got the virus this time. Usually the tabs try to saddle ladies with that affliction. Suri Cruise is getting $5 million in her trust fund to celebrate her “milestone” 5th birthday. Lastly! Angelina Jolie has been wearing a gold band on her right hand ring finger — which the mag claims is how one does it in Europe when one is married. Hence, she’s had a “secret wedding.” Obviously.
Grade: D- (beer and monopoly)