This Week In Tabloids: Kate Middleton May Already Be Pregnant

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we party in the pages of In Touch, Star, Life & Style, Ok! and Us, looking for a good time. This week, Scarlett Johansson has moved in with Sean Penn, Christina Aguilera’s boyfriend is a Cinderfella, and Kate Middleton and Prince William are tackling the tough work of producing a future monarch.

Life & Style
“A Ring For Kim!”
First we must point out that Kim Kardashian does not actually have an engagement ring. She wants a ring — over 10 carats — and she’s been dreaming about her wedding. “I already know what my gown is going to look like,” she says. Also, she wants a big family — three to five kids — and plans to keep the K-name tradition alive. A friend says if Kim has a boy, he will be Kristopher Jr., after his dad. Anyway: Not engaged. But they could be married by the end of the year. Moving on. A former friend of Jenelle from Teen Mom heard a rumor that Jenelle is pregnant again and tells the mag Jenelle would definitely have another kid “for the fame.” Angelina Jolie went to Tunisia, “risking her life,” and Brad is “worried sick” about her — he doesn’t want his children to grow up without their mother. An insider says: “Sometimes Angelina acts as if she cares more about what’s going on in the world than about her family.” That’s right! FUCK LIBYA, WHAT IS SHILOH DOING RIGHT NOW?! Here is an incredibly insightful quote from a parenting expert: “If something were to happen to [Angelina], it would be such a tremendous loss for her children.” ORLY? Christina Aguilera’s boyfriend is a “Cinderfella,” because when she went with him to his hometown of Newport, Rhode Island, instead of staying in his “ramshackle” apartment that he shares with three roommates, they checked into a luxury hotel. Well, DUH. Xtina ain’t stayin’ in no dump! Now the boyfriend, Matthew Rutler, is living with Christina in her mansion, and that’s why the story is titled “Christina Transforms Her Man’s World.” There’s a fairy godmother-type wand on the page, just in case you don’t know how magical money can be. Courteney Cox is “breaking the number one rule between girlfriends” by dating someone Jennifer Aniston went out with: Josh Hopkins. Former congressman Larry Hopkins, Josh’s dad, apparently doesn’t have much to do, because he tells the mag: “I know he went out on some dates with Jennifer.” As for Courteney, Larry says: “They’re both very good looking people. I know he likes her and is very fond of her.” Thanks, Larry. Lastly, Bethenny Frankel is talking about her boobs. She used to have implants, but has had them removed. Headline: “I Finally Love My Breasts.” Quote: “I’m not self-conscious anymore. I’ll walk around the house naked. The Bravo camera people have all seen me naked. Ask them what they think of my boobs.”
Grade: F (Tang and chess)

Ok!
“Leah Dumped By Corey.”
Teen Mom‘s Leah and her husband Corey got married in October, and after “fighting constantly,” they have separated and have been living apart for two weeks. Corey allegedly plans to file for divorce. The couple squabbled over money from MTV — Leah wanted to buy a house, while Corey wanted to buy a truck. Also, Leah is into her newfound fame and has signed on for two more seasons of the show, while Corey is not as enthused. A source says: “Corey just wanted to live his life. He’s just a redneck.” The cover claims that Corey is taking the twins, but inside, we learn that it’s “Leah’s worst nightmare” that he would try and take them from her. In other words: A lie! In other Teen Mom news, Maci is engaged. Allegedly. Moving on: Scarlett Johansson is pregnant, according to “body type guru” Dr. Edward Jackowski. He says: “Scarlett looks like she is about three and half months pregnant. Her hips and buttocks have started to spread, in addition to the bump she’s showing.” This dude must think ALL Americans are nine months pregnant, including the men, because ScarJo’s “bump” is actually just a slight curve as a result of having internal organs. “Rob’s Ready To Put A Ring On It” as all about how Robert Pattinson has bought a 19th century rose cut diamond cluster rose gold ring for Kristen Stewart. It is not, repeat, not, an engagement ring. It is a promise ring. But he’s been showing off the $17,000 ring, made in the 1800s, to his buddies, and the sidebar here claims that since the couple have been filming romantic scenes for Breaking Dawn, “Bella’s giving him WEDDING FEVER.” Hey, at least it’s a man who’s got the virus this time. Usually the tabs try to saddle ladies with that affliction. Suri Cruise is getting $5 million in her trust fund to celebrate her “milestone” 5th birthday. Lastly! Angelina Jolie has been wearing a gold band on her right hand ring finger — which the mag claims is how one does it in Europe when one is married. Hence, she’s had a “secret wedding.” Obviously.
Grade: D- (beer and monopoly)

Us
“How Marriage Changed Me.”
Carrie Underwood and whatshisname are living together and “it feels like they’re really married.” Moving on. If Matt Lauer leaves the Today show, Ann Curry could be the new anchor. Dave Grohl’s “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” is pretty funny: He likes of Ace Of Bass, he loves Wack-A-Mole, he listens to old-school disco every morning with his kids, and: “My parents almost named me Hans, so my nickname as a child was Hans Grohlo.” Prince Harry’s on-again off-again girlfriend Chelsy Davy will “definitely” attend Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding. Harry and Chelsy have “quietly rekindled” their romance! Harry makes about $57,000 a year in the military, and his father gives him around the same amount in living expenses, so he and Chelsy have a “low-key lifestyle.” Kim Kardashian plans to move to NYC by October to be closer to her boyfriend. “It’s the next normal step,” she says. BTW: Scarlett Johansson has moved in with Sean Penn. They eat and spend time with his children, Dylan and Hopper, who are 20 and 17. At night they have friends over, like Owen Wilson and Javier Bardem. The usual. Tori Spelling wrapped her recent positive pregnancy test in a box, put a bow on it and gave it to husband Dean on Valentine’s Day. This will be her third child, but she wants four kids, because she “likes even numbers.” Naomi and Wynonna Judd are allegedly “furious” that Ashley Judd’s memoir — in which she details being sexually abused as a child — is coming out at the same time as their TV show. Wynonna hasn’t read the book, and Naomi has only glanced at it, but Naomi says, “I will probably get around to reading it, because, as a mom, I certainly want to honor her reality. It may be very different from mine, but I certainly want to know my daughter.” Behold: Will Ferrell’s prom picture! (see Fig. 1). Toni Braxton says she didn’t really want to do a reality show, but Kim Kardashian told her it was “a lot of fun.” When asked about filing for bankruptcy a second time last October, Toni explains: “It wasn’t because I spent too much! I had lupus and a heart attack, so I had to cancel my vegas show. The health problems led to financial problems, because I also didn’t have insurance.” Damn, America. Get your health care shit together.
Grade: D (mint juleps and croquet)

In Touch
“Split!”
While Ok! claims that she was the dumpee, this mag claims that Teen Mom ‘s Leah has dumped her husband Corey. He withdrew $19,000 from their joint bank account to buy a truck, and did it without telling Leah, even though the money is mostly her MTV earnings. And! He’s been hooking up with other girls. Sigh. Moving on. Gwyneth Paltrow is Taylor Swift’s cupid! Gwynnie set TayTay up with Jake Gyllenhaal, her costar in Proof, and now TSwift is dating Garrett Hedlund, Gwyneth’s costar in Country Strong. But what I really want to know is: Can Gwyneth set me up with Bruno Mars? Nicole Richie has been taking prenatal vitamins and has told Joel that she wants another baby. Brad from The Bachelor wants to settle down, and is looking at houses in the suburbs of Austin — but Emily doesn’t plan on moving out of Charlotte, NC anytime soon. LeAnn Rimes is not just skinny, she is “starving for attention.” A relationship expert suggests that LeAnn may prefer that the public focus on her body instead of her personal life. Prince William and Kate Middleton are dreaming of a “baby by summer.” Allegedly. Royal expert Yvonne Yorke says Wills and Kate want to start a family “immediately” and that Kate hopes to be knocked up by June. And! “At the end of the day, the most important thing for the future queen of England to do, is to produce a royal heir to the throne.” OF COURSE. Wimmins be babymakers. William wants to follow his mother’s parenting style, which is different than the traditional royal approach, in that it involves actual “hugs and affection.” If Kate has a boy, they’ll name him Edward, Andrew or Phillip, and if it’s a girl, Alice or Rose. Next: Ruby Gettinger — who can never remember anything from the first twelve years of her life — is having recurring nightmares. “All the dreams have the same theme: Someone is trying to kill me, and I don’t want to tell anyone, because I’m scared they’re going to get killed too.” The mag claims she is exploring the possibility that she was molested as a child. “Whatever is hidden in the little locked door in my head made me weigh 716 lbs.” Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey are fighting like crazy because Nick is working 24/7. An insider says: “She wants him to slow down. She’s already feeling like a single parent.” Yeah, we snickered when we read that, too. Finally, Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson haven’t gotten married yet, but “their honeymoon is already over.” She told him to get lost for a few days because they were spending every waking minute together and “Jessica had finally had enough.” It’s called “me time.” Look into it.
Grade: D+ (port and blow up dolls)

Star
“Pregnant Bride!
We just heard that there is a new editor in chief coming in at Star magazine, which means it may get an overhaul. This might be the last issue of Star as we know (and loathe) it! Let’s take a look at how they’re going out, shall we? Kate Middleton is “bursting with the secret knowledge that she could soon be a mom.” See, she might already be pregnant! Maybe! Perhaps! Royal insider Christopher Wilson reveals: “She and Prince William aren’t waiting until after the wedding. There’s huge pressure on them to produce an heir to the throne. And they’ve taken so long to get started. Around the palace, people are saying she could already be pregnant.” Adds another source: “Finally, it’s baby time!” Yet another source claims: “They don’t want to be old parents.” Plus: “Kate had originally been nervous about having morning sickness on the wedding day, but in the end, she decided not to put it off, to just leave it up to fate.” In other words: THEY ARE HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX. Wills and Kate would love to have a girl and are even talking about naming her after Diana. And! The mag also printed this sentence: “The queen is willing to turn a blind eye to a wedding-day baby bump, since she can’t wait to be a great grandmother.” REALLY? She will just turn up her nose and pretend she can’t see Kate’s big ol’ belly? HA! The “royal wedding scandal” page has details about Prince William’s bachelor party, aka “stag do” — the setting was a former monastery by the sea, there was surfing, “several bottles of expensive port” and drinking games. The boys forced William to wear a toupee and chest wig, and then brought out a bunch of blow-up dolls. Port? Wigs? Scandalous indeed! As for Kate’s “hen party,” there was champagne and “a lot of girl gossiping,” as well as charades. “Kate loves just talking with her friends about her daily lives,” says a source. THESE PEOPLE ARE FREAKS. Kate’s sister Pippa was seen having a fitting at Alice Temperley, so some speculate that Kate’s dress might be Temperley. There’s a $40 million prenup that Kate has signed, and Harry and Chelsy have made a “secret pact” that they will get married in two years. ROYAL WEDDINGS FOR ALL. Next! Blind item! “Which movie actor, who has previously dated tons of pretty actresses and singers, is not really into women? As whispers that he’s gay grow louder, he’s recently cooked up a plan to have a fake marriage within the next few years.” COUGHGYLLENHAALCOUGH. Jennifer Love Hewitt is “losing the battle of the bulge” because she weighs 135 lbs. Maybe. According to someone judging from a picture. Angelina Jolie has a “new face.” She’s already dropped around $100,000 on her “personal quest to stop the clock.” “She’s very vain,” says a source. She’s had Botox, Restylane and Radiesse — all injectable fillers — to smooth out her face and “lighten and tighten the skin.” We should note that we feel the “before” and “after” images of Angie look basically the same (see Fig. 2). Another source helpfully explains: “Sometimes letting yourself age gracefully can be just as beautiful as trying to look young forever.” American Idol‘s Pia Toscano is in a love triangle! She’s been “secretly romancing” fellow contestant Stefano Langone, but now she’s dating Mark Ballas from Dancing With The Stars, and Stefano is “devastated.” Star, the magazine that LOVES to print pictures of women with cellulite and make fun of them for being fat, has a four page spread called “Skin & Bones,” in which Taylor Armstrong from RHOBH is called “excruciatingly thin,” LeAnn Rimes is called “super skeletal,” and Canice Swanepoel is “scarecrow skinny.” For what it’s worth, we saw other images Swanepoel from that same Victoria’s Secret shoot, and while she is thin, she does not look like that. It’s obviously a weird angle, where her elbows are closer to the camera and her hips are father away. (See Fig. 3) Last: Here is a paragraph from a story about Taylor Swift and Garrett Hedlund:

“Taylor and Garrett were walking together, not far from her home, at around 6pm on April 1, and they were deep in conversation,” an eyewitness tells Star. “Then somebody called her name, and they turned around. When Taylor realized that someone recognized them, she seemed a bit startled. But Garrett was very laid back and had a big smile on his face.”

TRANSLATION: A paparazzo was stalking Taylor in her hometown. While driving in circles near her house, he saw her walking with a dude but needed a money shot — where you could see both of their faces — so he shouted her name and when they both spun around, he took the very blurry picture and sold it to Star.
Grade: C (champagne and charades)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Us

Fig. 2, from Star (click to enlarge)

Fig. 3, from Star (click to enlarge)