This Week in Tabloids: Justin Cheated on Selena With Miley

Welcome back! Every Wednesday, Callie Beusman heads to the newsstand so that together we may dissect the celebrity tabloids, In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star. This week: Bruce Jenner is “stealing Kim’s look”; Beyoncé is losing her curves; and Selena Gomez told folks in group therapy that Justin Bieber cheated on her with Miley Cyrus. Sigh. Here we go.

DESTROYED BY JEALOUSY

Faith Hill and Tim McGraw’s marriage is in crisis because he’s going on tour with Cassadee Pope, who is an attractive young woman. As everyone knows, being in proximity of a good-looking person literally always ends in infidelity and ruin. How will their 17-year marriage weather this storm? In other news, InTouch has outdone all of its competitors and published the most wildly offensive story about Bruce Jenner possibly being trans. The magazine accuses Bruce Jenner of “stealing Kim’s look” (Fig. 1), by wearing lipgloss and a ponytail. Bruce’s family members are characterized as “mortified” and “embarrassed” by the rumors that he’s trans. Once again, being trans is very wrongly equated with a sordid bit of gossip or a dirty secret: “These poor girls already have enough issues in that family — they don’t need him adding to the crazy chaotic family drama,” says a source. Are you kidding me? Next: people are worried that Juan Pablo might end up “getting played and looking like a fool” by one of the contestants, Nikki, who is reportedly mean. Uh, well, after his homophobic comments and his decision to chastise and shame a woman for having sex with him, I really don’t think he has to worry about someone else making him look stupid. Moving on: this is really horrific — former Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham says that she was regularly beaten by her mother as a child. She also claims that she was “drugged and raped more than once” at appearances following the release of her porn. It’s beyond disturbing to see her alleged abuse and sexual assault dealt with so glibly, in a one-and-a-half-page spread titled “FARRAH’S STUNNING CLAIM.” Even worse, her multiple rapes are mentioned in an aside, as evidence of her harmful tendency to consort with “unsavory men” and put herself in “unsafe situations.” Seriously, what the fuck. Oh, and there’s more garbage still: “Oh no! Beyoncé’s losing her famous curves!” the mag laments, going full-on concern troll about Bey’s body (Fig. 2). Good grief.

GRADE: F- (vivisection)

YES I’M PREGNANT!

Please be advised that the story inside is NOT an interview with Christina Aguilera and she is NOT quoted as saying “yes, I’m pregnant.” The cover is a falsehood. The article claims tha tshe and her “beau,” Matthew Rutler, are “working on” her second child. The copy goes on to point out that she was seen in a book store wearing an “uncharacteristically baggy” sweater and “cradling her stomach.” Sounds like bloating and cramps to us! Moving on: Janet Jackson “appears to have gained 40 lbs.” according to a picture taken in an airport in which she is wearing a coat and harem pants. “Insiders” blame marriage trouble but she could also be living a chill as hell honey-dessert-filled lifestyle with her Qatari businessman husband. In Kardashian news, Khloe and The Game are fucking each other senseless and “it’s been going on for months.” Taylor Kinney has asked Lady Gaga to marry him more than once but she never took him seriously, however, a she recently had a pregnancy scare and decided she would like to get hitched; he’s turning to the Haus of Gaga for wedding ring ideas. Finally: Johnny Depp and Amber Heard will get married on his private island in the Bahamas where no paparazzi can see and planes are not even allowed to fly over without permission. Johnny affectionately calls it his “Fuck You Island.” Jealous.

GRADE: F (smelly whale necropsy)

$220 MILLION DIVORCE

Portia de Rossi walked the dog without wearing her wedding ring and thus we are treated to a story about how it was a message that the relationship with Ellen Degeneres is “hanging by a thread.” The couple may have looked joyous at the star-studded birthday party Ellen threw for her wife, but “the happy couple act is just that — an act,” according to someone who accuses them of “media manipulation.” The copy in the article goes to great lengths to tear down Ellen, calling her controlling, claiming that “her staff says she is one of the meanest people” and then this damning sentence: “Ellen often drinks at home.” BURN HER AT THE STAKE. To be clear, though: No actual divorce. Let’s move on. Amanda Bynes is having a “secret relapse” because she bought Zig-Zag rolling papers at a gas station and “smoking marijuana while on medication for her mental problems is not a good idea.” Rob Kardashian is “fatter than ever,” and Kris Jenner has informed him that he is an embarrassment and she’s sending him to fat camp. Jesus take the wheel for this family! Matt Lauer is pissed that there will be a Lifetime movie made based on Brian Stelter‘s best-seller Top Of The Morning: “He’s worried that his reputation will never recover.” In crotch-watch news, David Beckham’s package was “enhanced” for his Super Bowl ads: Stuffed and padded for just the right kind of bulge. What else? Harry Styles has been cheating on Kendall Jenner. Kelly Osbourne doesn’t want Emma Roberts to marry Evan Peters because they’re too young. Sofia Vergara and her fiancé Nick Loeb had a “Miami meltdown,” which is not a coconut popsicle but a fight in an airport. Selena Gomez went to rehab because she’d been smoking weed, doing Ambien, Xanax and Molly, and it was all Justin Bieber’s fault — he got her into drugs and then cheated on her — WITH MILEY CYRUS. Rocked her world, poor thing. A source says she checked into the facility — The Meadows in Arizona — under the name Ashley Cane, and then talked about her heartbreak from her boyfriend cheating on her with a girl named Miley in group therapy. Eesh. Last, but certainly not least, Remember how Cara Delevingne and Michelle Rodriguez got sloshed at the Knicks game back in January? Afterward, they held hands as they got IV fluid hangover helpers. So romantic. True Love. (Fig. 3)

GRADE: D- (human autopsy)

OUR HOT HONEYMOON

“Virgin” Bachelor Sean Lowe and his new wife called Us Weekly on the last day of their honeymoon. The conversation was weird. When asked about their experience in the “Consummation Station” ( 🙁 ), Sean replied, “Fantastic! Thank you for asking. I think we both performed extremely well.” Also, later in the honeymoon a stingray tried to bite Sean’s penis. So romantic. In other news, Justin Bieber and his team of bodyguards are terrorizing the NYC nightlife scene. The honorable goblin prince reportedly points to women in whom he is interested and then has his security guards go up to them and shine flashlights in their faces, marking them as chosen. He also had his security team clear an aisle in the middle of a Super Bowl party so he could skateboard around. Meanwhile, in England, Queen Elizabeth has blown through all but a mere $1.6 million and all her palaces are leaking. WHAT IS SHE SPENDING IT ON? (A beautiful spectrum of tasteful skirt suits and matching hats, probably.) Finally, the mag published a bizarre and very propagandistic spread entitled “10 Reasons to Love the Olympics!” Reasons include: “A new ski sweetie” and “The curling!” Not mentioned: Russia’s insanely oppressive anti-gay laws, the fact that Sochi is wildly unprepared to host the Olympics, those weird double toilets.

GRADE: D- (fetal pig dissection)

I’M HOTTER THAN KIM!

What is being alive but being locked in an interminable competition with one’s sibling’s for the elusive and objective title of “Hottest One”? Khloé is now the hottest Kardashian, illustrated by the fact that she wore an outfit that Kim once wore and also looked good in it. That’s not the only way she’s winning: She also goes to the gym better than Kim, has highlights better than Kim, and owns the same bag as Kim but without a conceptual painting on it (Fig. 4). Furthermore, she no longer has a husband, whereas Kim’s fiance Kanye West is controlling, which has caused her to gain weight, “especially in her legs.” (WHAT.) According to sources, Kim intends to get back at her by getting pregnant at the same time as Kourtney, thus making Khloé feel left out. Great story! Moving on:Ryan Gosling is single again — he and Eva Mendes have split amicably because they don’t see a future together. Sadly, Ryan went back to Canada so you might not be able to have a meet-cute with him 🙁 We’ll trade you Bieber for Gosling? Guys? In other news, Angelina Jolie is in a jealous rage over Brad Pitt’s relationship with Lupita Nyong’o. Brad lavishes praise upon Lupita (as we all do) and he bought her a congratulatory Cartier cuff, none of which Angelina can tolerate. Okay. Next: Taylor Swift is jealous of Kacey Musgraves because Kacey Musgraves is an up-and-coming country star. Apparently there is only room for one successful female country singer at a time. Is Life & Style getting its intel about the country music scene from Hayden Panettiere’s plot art on Nashville? Elsewhere in the mag, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are ready to have a baby (their marriage isn’t “on the rocks,” after all). Jessica Biel likes wearing pajamas and cooking, which will prepare her well for motherhood or something.

GRADE: D (frog dissection)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from In Touch

Fig. 3, from Star

Fig. 4, from Life & Style