This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston's Secret Baby Bump & Shotgun Wedding
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we search for cool, refreshing gossip in the freezer sections of In Touch, Star, Ok!, Life & Style and Us. This week, Kate Middleton is refusing to eat and wasting away into nothing and it’s all The Queen’s fault; there’s a chance Teresa Giudice might go to jail; and Jennifer Aniston is allegedly hiding her alleged baby bump behind purses and floaty tops.
Ok!
“Secrets Of Kim’s Wedding.”
Here’s one of the “secrets”: “It’s going to be a perfect day.” Here’s another: Guests include Lindsay Lohan, Serena Williams, and Maria Menounos. Plus: The location will be stunning, and Khloe and Kourtney are preparing “embarrassing but heartfelt” wedding toasts. Let’s move on. Angelina Jolie is “tired of being ignored” by Brad Pitt. She is “seething,” according to a source, because she rearranged her schedule to be in the UK while Brad films World War Z there, and “she imagined they’d be having romantic dinners and hanging out together on the set, and he’s basically blowing her off.” Uh, because he’s busy working, no? The mag notes that Brad’s “mystery woman” — an assistant on the set of the film is “still in the picture.” And by that, they mean, “look, here is a picture of Brad standing near the assistant on the set.” Next: Jennifer Anistion and Justin Theroux are “happy in Hawaii.” The copy reads, “You know how you can really tell they’re crazy in love? They like to shop together!” Yes, that’s right, browsing in a store equals relationship bliss. Little kids ask, “Mommy, what is shopping?” “Well. When two grown-ups really, really care about each other, they stand on the threshold of Sur La Table, then take a big step inside and look at overpriced mandolines together…” Last, but not least: Prince William and Duchess Catherine are blissfully happy newlyweds living in a bungalow on the grounds of Kensington Palace and doing their own shopping at the grocery store. Move along, Nothing to see here.
Grade: F (frostbite)
Life & Style
“Kate: Refusing To Eat.”
The headline reads, “Kate Can’t Stop Losing Weight.” The text is about how Kate’s life is so crazy and chaotic and busy, “But the Duchess of Cambridge, 29, has found the one thing she can totally control: her body.” She fills her days with “persistent exercise and calorie-counting” and often refuses to eat. “It’s a form of rebellion against the queen and other forces trying to take charge of her life.” Plus, she’s stressed! She’s under so much pressure: “Critiqued by the Queen,” “afraid of being kidnapped,” “children on the brain,” “scared for William’s life” and “isolated in Anglesey.” Seriously, it’s a wonder she hasn’t snapped and started walking the streets flipping the bird and wearing yoga pants. Anyhoo, the mag claims she’s “wasting away” with “jutting shoulder blades” and “minuscule waist” and “bony arms.” She’s been getting up early every morning to workout, her clothes are “hanging off her” and “William is concerned.” Okay? Okay. Moving on: Bankruptcy trustees allege that Teresa Giudice from Real Housewives Of New Jersey “knowingly withheld assets,” including her quarter of a million dollar advance for the Skinny Italian cookbook. Apparently she could land in jail for six months to a year. Jennifer Lopez has been “betrayed” by Marc Anthony again because he’s been having long, deep phone conversations with Eva Longoria, whom J. Lo despises. Apparently in 2008 Eva was photographed sitting on Marc’s lap at a party in Las Vegas, mere months after Jenny gave birth to twins. Not cool. “Jennifer hates Eva,” a source claims. Meanwhile, Reggie Bush has been trying to contact Kim Kardashian and “begging” her to call off her wedding and give him another chance. In J’ethroux news, Aniston is “already thinking about a wedding” and telling people Justin is her soulmate. They will get married by the end of the year, in a small, private, low-key ceremony. Mazel. But wait! There’s a sidebar called “Can Jen Break Her Vacation Curse?” Apparently every time Aniston takes a man on a trip, the relationship ends: Days after their 2005 vacay in Anguilla, she and Brad split. She and Vince Vaughn went to Puerto Vallarta in 2006, two months before breaking up. And Jen and John Mayer broke up a month after a romantic Valentine’s Day getaway in the Bahamas in 2009. Traveling by plane ruins everything! Stay at home. Next: In an interview, Lady Gaga’s grandmother says: “I listen to her songs. I love her music. I’m blind, so I really don’t see all those sexy outfits. I can only see her legs when she’s on TV, so it’s good that she wears those outfits, so I can spot her.” Last, but not least: Britney has slimmed down while on tour. (See Fig 1) Since it is the public’s job to monitor the minute changes in the physiques of all women, there are side-by-side photographs illustrating how her backside used to be plumper, and is now lifted. Where there was once a “belly bulge” there is now a “whittled waist.” She used to have love handles, now she has “amazing abs.” Let us all take to the streets and rejoice.
Grade: D- (frozen cheese)
In Touch
“Jen & Justin’s Shotgun Wedding!”
Jennifer Aniston is “rushing” to the altar because she may already be knocked up. The wedding will be very private, “outdoors and edgy.” Actually, Jen and Justin — Janthrax, J’ethroux, Justfer, whatever — have been spending their vacation scoping out nice venues for tying the knot. “They’re getting married before the end of the year, if not the end of the summer,” says a “friend.” It will happen on a beach. Meanwhile, Jen has been wearing baggy tops, and you know what that means (see Fig. 2). Also, she’s known to love wine, tequila and vodka, but she hasn’t been drinking alcohol lately. Next: Kate and William are “sequestering themselves” in a “remote castle” for the next several months so they can get to baby-makin’. “That’s if Catherine isn’t already pregnant,” says an insider. See, when she went to Zara’s wedding on July 30, she didn’t drink anything. Then again, neither did William. Maybe he has a bun in the oven. LeAnn Rimes is “wasting away,” “scary-skinny” and a “mere 95 lbs.” with “pin-thin legs.” Kim Kardashian has dissed Kris Humphries’ family. His parents’ names do not appear on the wedding invitation and a source says they’re “nothing more than invited guests,” but “playing along because they don’t want to make waves,” although “they’re not happy with the way they’re being treated.” Well, dammit, that one is kinda believable. Melrose Place fans, be advised: Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner are engaged. Last, but not least: “It’s Official: Lindsay’s Lost Her Looks!” (see Fig. 3) And as everyone knows, if you’re not pretty in the eyes of In Touch, you have nothing to offer the world.
Grade: C (frozen peas)
Us
“Trying For A Baby!”
Jethro have fallen in love “and the clock is ticking.” Jen feels that he is The One. “After six years of failed relationships, Aniston has found what a source calls her ‘soulmate.'” Another source gushes, “Jen hasn’t felt this way about anyone since Brad.” The couple are getting “baby-ready” in Hawaii by eating meals prepared by a private chef and doing 45 minutes of yoga a day. Jen is “detoxifying,” which is great, because Justin is her Angelina. (see Fig. 4) Also inside: George Clooney and Stacy Keibler are going strong because “She’s not asking to be walked downtown anywhere people will see them,” says an insider. “She’s completely happy doing room service and spending time indoors with him.” Uh-huh, I bet. Lastly: Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock were both on the red carpet at the L.A. premiere of The Change-Up and a witness says, “They seemed so happy to see each other — like, really happy. Ryan was beaming and she was smiling hard back at him.” Yes, yes, hot, do it, do it now, make it happen! Oh. The article ends with the line: “What they have is a beautiful friendship.” Boo.
Grade: C+ (purple popsicle)
Star
“Yes, I’m Having A Baby!”
Jen has an “undeniable glow on her face” and a “suspicious bump” beneath her shirt, and it’s not because she just had a huge enchilada. “Jennifer looks pregnant,” a “friend” declares. “She’s bathed in an incredible glow, her belly looks fuller and all of a sudden she’s wearing looser clothing. All the signs are there.” Also, she’s not drinking. Jen is planning a November wedding to Justin in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, because “there is no doubt in her mind that he is The One.” The side bar about “Jen’s Big Cover-Up” could sort of maybe convince us that she is harboring a fetus, but then again, maybe she just likes carrying that bag that way? (See Fig. 5) Meanwhile, Justin is a “very private person,” says his brother Christian. “He loves his New York lifestyle… He loves being able to walk down the street anonymously and get on with his life without people noticing who he is.” Uh, not that anyone would know who he was, really, but whatevs. Justin’s brother does not mention Jen and does not confirm that she is pregnant, so the “it’s official” and “Justin’s family talks” stuff on the cover is highly misleading. However: We dig Justin’s tattoo, the logo of Zig-Zag rolling papers, “often used by pot smokers to roll joints.” And we also love that Justin is not only Angelina (as seen in Us) but he is also Maddox. Versatile! (See Fig. 6) Next: Two pages of this thing looks like that thing. (See Fig. 7a & 7b) Maddox Jolie-Pitt turned 10 and had a zombie-themed birthday party. Last, but not least, Kathy Griffin talks about her guest star stint on Drop Dead Diva: “With so many shows that treat women like crap — I’m talking to you, Entourage — and movies that leave women out altogether — sorry, you Hangover douchebags — it’s nice to watch a show about funny chicks.”
Grade: B- (ice cream sandwich)
Addendum
Fig. 1, from Life & Style
Fig. 2, from In Touch
Fig. 3, from In Touch
Fig. 4, from Us
Fig. 5, from Star
Fig 6, from Star
Fig. 7a & Fig. 7b, from Star
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