This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston's Former Lover Says He Was "Too Pure" For Her

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! Every Wednesday, we play with In Touch, Star, Life & Style, Ok! and Us. This week: Jennifer Aniston’s ex-fling says she’s into bad boys; Osama Bin Laden finally makes the cover of Ok!; and Angelina Jolie is having hot, steamy, girl-on-girl and girl-on-Brad sex day in and day out.

Ok!
“Justice!”
Look at all the tabloid covers this week, and ask yourself: Which one of these things is not like the other? In an interesting sales technique, Ok! decided not to go with celebrity gossip as the main image on the cover, and chose “Osama Bin Laden Destroyed!” instead. Ok! usually brings us tales like “Leah Dumped By Corey” and “Kim’s Dream Wedding,” but this cover article involves words like: “The gaunt, bearded face of modern terror met his end not in some remote mountain cave but in a compound in suburban Abbottabad, Pakistan.” There are eight pages of this: A recap of what happened on September 11, 2001. A photo of the smoke plumes coming from the World Trade Center. Quotes like, “It helps the healing process,” and “A surgical raid by a small team.” There are also images of crying firefighters and people covered in ash, as well as a map of Abbottabad and a spread called “America Rejoices!” with Twitter messages from Katy Perry, Anderson Cooper and Snoop Dogg. Very weird. Using Ok! as a news source is like asking your gynecologist to set up your wifi. She can probably do it, but you wouldn’t exactly call it her area of expertise. Anyway. Also inside: Brad from The Bachelor and Emily, the lady he proposed to but isn’t wearing the ring, had a “tense lunch” in Austin. Will they be together? No one knows, but a source says, “You can’t rush something that will last a lifetime.” Also, you can’t force something to happen just because TV execs wish it would. Jennifer Lopez started going gray at 23, and has been dyeing her hair every two weeks since then, which the editors have calculated to mean she has touched up her roots 490 times. Scintillating.
Grade: U, for USA. Or Uncomfortable. (death rumors)

Life & Style
“Brad’s Heartbreak”
“Brad Womack was confused,” reads the copy. “He found it hard to work out which Emily was there with him. Was it the sweet girl who had stolen his heart on The Bachelor or the jealous, insecure woman who’d broken up with him multiple times since he’s slipped the diamond ring on her finger?” Girls are sweet. Wimmins be messin’ with your head. Also inside: We learn that William and Kate’s “next big production” will be a baby. Katie Nicholl, author of The Making Of A Royal Romance, says: “Kate will be 30 next year, and her one job now that she’s married to an heir to the throne is to produce another heir.” Don’t come out of your room until there’s a bun in that oven, young lady! Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn are enthusiasts of the old afternoon delight. They’re using the Chateau Marmont for their “romantic rendezvous.” Even though Sean has a mansion in Malibu, he will meet ScarJo at her rented bungalow “at all times of the day.” And! “When the duo aren’t attached at the hip, Scarlett relaxes by reading at the pool and waiting for her man.” The piece titled “My Boyfriend Loves My Pregnant Body” is about Kim Zolciak. Of course. She and Kroy, who we still think might be named for a character from Clan Of The Cave Bear, have a name picked out for their unborn spawn, but they’re not telling. Odds are the name will begin with the letter K. Kim says: “This pregnancy has kicked my butt, and now I’m at the stage where I’m uncomfortable.” Not too uncomfortable to pose bare-bellied, mind you! (See Fig. 1)
Grade: D- (baby rumors)

Us
“Kate’s Fairy Tale Wedding.”
If you want to buy one magazine with tons of full-page photos and photo spreads of the Royal Wedding, get this one. There are about 20 pages of high-quality images and random details — not just about the wedding, but about the entire day and the party that night. The last song the DJ played as the party wrapped up at 2am was “Sex On Fire” by Kings Of Leon. Will and Kate spent the night in the palace — as did some partygoers that Harry invited to crash. Harry, however, did not go to sleep when the reception was over. He and Chelsy kept the festivities going over at the Goring Hotel, and partied until dawn. Also inside: Did you know that Karina Smirnoff of Dancing With The Stars takes flying lessons and is getting her pilot’s license? Also, her parents own a liquor store on Staten Island. You see the Smirnoffs when you want Smirnoff. Beyoncé and Jay-Z were in Paris last week, where they stayed in a $20,000-a-night suite with an Eiffel Tower view, ate pâte and fish, looked very much in love and drank champagne. Le sigh. Eddie Cibrian’s ex-wife Brandi Glanville might join the cast of The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Also, when LeAnn Rimes married Eddie last week, his kids “didn’t know about the wedding at all.” According to a tailor, when they were being fitted for tuxedos, they asked, “Daddy, what is this for?” Lastly: May 4 is the National Day To Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Teen Mom‘s Farrah urges you guys to learn from her naivite and get the facts. The 19-year-old mother of a 2-year-old says: “I thought I could only get pregnant after college — that my eggs weren’t awake yet. I wasn’t educated.” America, you have issues.
Grade: C (reality show rumors)

In Touch
“Caught Cheating!”
The way this story is written, we are meant to believe that Brad Pitt is a poor sap controlled by his hellion sexual deviant lesbionic wife. Actual sentence: “Brad has had to readjust in many ways in order to accommodate Angelina’s powerful desires — from accompanying her on kinky shopping sprees to indulging in sexual role playing games.” And! “Brad allowed Angelina to be the dominant one in the relationship… Their lovemaking sessions largely centered on making her happy.” ALLOWED! And she had orgasms? How dare she! According to a “friend,” Angelina is having flings with women behind Brad’s back. She has a “string of female lovers that she hooks up with from time to time,” and “in her mind, it’s just sex.” Angelina will reserve a room at the Roosevelt hotel for just a few hours, for her booty calls. She doesn’t use the salon, pool, or any other hotel services during these short stays, and she never brings luggage. Although she will dine in the restaurant, occasionally. Angelina travels a lot, and will bring a female companion along, and flirt with female stewardesses along the way. Ex-girlfriend Jenny Shimizu says: “She loves women too much. It’s like a drug.” The lesbo hellcat does manage to have sex with Brad while all this is going on, however. An insider says: “Angelina loves to tie Brad down to a chair or to the bed and blindfold him. That’s no secret.” And! “They have a grotto on their Los Feliz compound, and they go there all the time to have sex in the water. They’re not violent, but Angelina likes it rough.” Damn. Homegirl should write a book. Seriously. She’s an actress, model, director, jewelry designer, UN Goodwill Ambassador, mother of six and a sex fiend? WHERE DOES SHE FIND THE ENERGY? When I’m lying on the couch watching TV I can’t even get up to answer the phone half the time. Christ. Let’s move on: Christina Aguilera is “difficult” on the set of The Voice. She complains that she looks “too fat” and asks for reshoots, and she considers herself the star of the show and is condescending to Adam Levine. In the big Royal Wedding story, we learn that the second kiss stemmed from a joke. A few weeks ago, William and Kate were kidding around, and he told her that to break away from royal protocol, he would kiss her twice. Kate thought he was just joshing, but he wound up doing it! Emily Maynard is already seeing someone new, and Brad The Bachelor “has no clue” but will be “heartbroken” when he finds out. Hopefully he doesn’t read In Touch. Next: Tara Reid was partying in Indio, CA when one of her front teeth popped out. A witness says: “Tara got on her hands and knees and searched the floor, and when she found it, she pulled out some glue, glued it back in and just continued partying!” Last, but not least, children are once again pitted against each other in a sartorial showdown. It’s “Who Wore It Better? Kids Edition!” (See Fig. 2) When the Rossdale boys are involved, we all win.
Grade: C+ (sex rumors)

Star
“Jen’s Secret Lover Tells All!”
Brian Bouma met Jennifer Aniston on the Canadian set of Love Happens in 2008. He says: “As a lighting technician, you learn not to approach the talent. But Jen approached me!” And: “I was only on set for seven hours. But the old quote says it best: ‘She had me at hello.'” Brian had a “huge crush” on Jen, and she obviously felt some kind of spark, because she invited him to L.A. for a 10-day stay. It doesn’t say so in the story, but we imagine they had hot sex all over her million dollar mansion. What else do you do with a brawny lighting technician? Mmm. Dude even met Courteney Cox. Brian and Jen hooked up again later in Miami, and Brian says: “I didn’t spend time with Jen because she was famous or successful. It was because of the conversation, the very first time we spoke. She’s genuine, sincere and charismatic.” Brian also says: “Jen is not the person people think she is. All that stuff written about her being lonely is just ridiculous.” Just as we always suspected! Alas, Jen likes bad boys, so she and Brian were not meant to be: “She did tell me that I was too Mr. Pure,” he says. Poor thing. Moving on: Beyoncé has breast implants, according to doctors who do not treat her. (See Fig. 3) One says: “Her cleavage has greatly improved.” Like, it’s been taking the SATs, and its score is getting better. Eyeroll. Olivia Munn and Jamie Foxx are having “secret hookups,” and there’s some kind of “low-key, on-again, off-again connection” between them, whatever that means. It sounds like the CFL in my bedroom. A-Rod is about to ask Cameron Diaz to marry him, and was spotted shopping for a 9-carat engagement ring. You know, something subtle. Oooh, Prince Harry and Pippa? Yes. The copy reads, “William’s brash brother caught in love triangle with Kate’s sexy sister.” Apparently Harry is “lusting” after Pippa and is “smitten.” They got close during months of wedding planning, and, royal expert Christopher Wilson says: “Pippa didn’t imagine the sudden global interest in her bottom. Harry was bowled over by it.” So her ass is a bowling ball?
Grade: B- (awesome ass rumors)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Life & Style (click to enlarge)

Fig. 2, from In Touch (click to enlarge)

Fig. 3, from Star (click to enlarge)