Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we hop on Ben Affleck’s plane, fly to Las Vegas, put on Tom Brady’s Super Bowl rings, drink on the strip, see Mariah Carey’s show, see Britney Spears’s show, then watch Ben play poker until it gets boring, go up to our room and stare at the sad, bright lights of Vegas out our window and think about all the bad decisions we’ve made in our life.
This week: Jennifer Aniston adopted a baby girl, Keith Urban adopted a mistress, Gisele and Tom are separating, and KUWTK is on its last well-contoured leg.
GISELE & TOM SPLIT
We begin with photos of various stars doing various things. There’s Julie Bowen and Sarah Hyland shooting what looks to be an uproarious TV-PG scene for the next season of Modern Family, Tyra Banks grabbing a giggly Chrissy Teigen’s elbow for reasons a photograph is unable to make clear, Reese Witherspoon pumping gas while talking on the phone with someone—maybe Ryan Phillippe, if we’re lucky—Jared Leto praying to be noticed while gliding around New York City while wearing a fanny pack, Debra Messing giving a thumbs up to someone (or perhaps no one), Ice T and Coco loving each other fully while filling up on Shake Shack burgers, Liv Tyler showing the world how to multitask by drinking a beer and feeding her baby at the same time, and Gwyneth Paltrow standing somewhere in the Hamptons while dressed like someone who, at any given moment, would be standing somewhere in the Hamptons.
And now the big stories. Sound the alarms and pull all your money out of the bank, because Tom and Gisele are in crisis! The two gorgeous human beings who were gently lowered to earth by the gods “are considering a trial separation” and insiders say “their relationship has been plagued by the same problems for a long time.” The problems? Their “lagging” sex life, constant arguments about things like “GMO-free diets,” and the [alleged] fact that Giselle is “controlling.” Who would have thought that such a perfectly curated instagram could be hiding perfectly normal marriage troubles? On the flipside of the celebrity marriage coin, newlyweds Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are currently having the time of their lives in Bora-Bora! Apparently the wedding was “absolutely perfect,” complete with “beautiful flowers,” a “lacy Vera Wang dress” on Jen, and “Muppet-like figures” on top of their cake. Wow, wish I had been invited.
- People are worried about Angelina Jolie’s health.
- Tom and Suri had a business lunch.
- Chelsea Handler is having a midlife crisis.
- Sandra Bullock isn’t dating anyone because her psychic told her not to.
- Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne spend too much money and are nearly broke.
- Nicholas Hoult doesn’t like Charlize Theron.
- I’ve just decided that I don’t like Nicholas Hoult.
Grade: C- (Tom Brady argues with you about GMO-free diets.)
There are so many pretty pictures to look at! Photos of Mariah receiving her Walk of Fame star as Moroccan loses his chill, Megan Fox holding an umbrella over the son I forgot she had, Rihanna lounging somewhere while looking more content than anyone else within at least 10 light years, Justin Bieber posing shirtless for Cosmopolitan, Hillary Clinton staring directly into Kim Kardashian’s soul (the lens of her iPhone 6+), Adrienne Bailon squeezing Coco’s butt, Salma Hayek cuddling with at least four puppies, and Josh Duhamel playing a game of basketball somewhere, presumably with other people. On the fashion front, it doesn’t matter what Emma Stone, Laverne Cox, Jessica Alba, and Kristen Taekman wore. What matters is that they wore it better than Jordana Brewster, Adrienne Bailon, Gigi Hadid, and Dascha Polanco.
The first In Touch Exclusive is about Ben Affleck and The Nanny. Apparently Ben is trying to “pay off” Christine Ouzounian. After checking out of the fancy shmancy hotel where she had been staying, Affleck moved her into a $10,000 a month private home “in the LA area.” He also gave her enough money to buy a $50,000 Lexus convertible. It’s unclear what he’s trying to pay her off for, but I presume it’s for silence. That would explain why we’ve never heard her voice, and only seen pictures of her emerging from homes looking freshly blown out. The second exclusive is about Gwen and Gavin, in which a woman alleges she and Gavin had sex at the Playboy mansion soon before his wedding. “He said they were having problems,” she said. “I thought they were breaking up and that I had a chance.” She did not have a chance. The third exclusive is that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux adopted a baby girl. That is a boring exclusive and one that they have reported in the past. The final exclusive is that Miranda Lambert called the FBI after discovering her emails had been hacked by a woman who calls herself “Brenda.” How do you do that, anyway? “Hi, yes, FBI? My name’s Miranda and I think Brenda is hacking my emails.” Do they hang up on you? Transfer you to another department? Connect you with Brenda and tell you to work it out yourselves?
- Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are about to break up.
- Kristen Stewart and Alicia Cargile are about to break up.
- Halle Berry and Olivie Martinez are about to break up.
- Mischa Barton is about to break.
- Mariah Carey is sick of That Billionaire hanging out with his ex-wife.
- Drew Barrymore’s guilty pleasure is Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.
- Ashton Kutcher’s guilty pleasure is checking out women who aren’t Mila Kunis.
- If you don’t wear navy blue this week I’ll find you and scream at you.
Grade: D+ (You realize your friend Brenda loves casual hacking.)
LIFE & STYLE
KHLOE, KIM, KYLIE: WE QUIT!
Let’s begin with photos because this is my new thing. There are photos of Miley Cyrus wearing what looks to be a mask of avocado on her face, Jessica Alba walking her daughter around Beverly Hills, Ireland Baldwin laughing while getting caught in the rain with Hailey Baldwin, Kate Mara laughing while clutching Michael B. Jordan’s arm, Michelle Rodriguez paddle boarding, Lena Dunham paddle boarding, Bethenny Frankel paddle boarding, and Cara Delevingne fanning herself at a St. Vincent concert for various reasons. Additionally, Hailey Baldwin, Ashley Greene, and Elisabeth Harnios wore clothes better than Heidi Klum, Spencer Grammer, and Kristen Taekman. I know who two of those people are.
Storytime! Kylie, Kim, and Khloe are going to quit Keeping Up With the Kardashians. An insider says “they don’t want to be on television anymore.” Kendall has “already moved on,” leaving Kourtney as the only spawn of Kris Jenner who’s still interested in being on the show. But, the insider continues, without Scott, watching Kourtney is like “watching paint dry.” Rude! I’ve never heard paint say “I’m over it” 37 times in one hour. At least not outside of my dreams. What else. Oh, Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris want kids desperately. A source says they’re “hoping for a boy first and then a little girl.” (At once? In two separate pregnancies? Two separate baby thefts?) I don’t believe them, so let’s move on to Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux. An insider claims they’re preparing to adopt a little girl. I don’t believe them either, so let’s move on to Kaitlyn and Shawn. Actually, let’s not.
- Brad and Angelina are “frustrated” with each other.
- I’m “frustrated” with the movie trailer for By The Sea.
- Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum are trying to be more carefree. It’s working.
- George and Amal were under the Tuscan sun recently. They did not, however, buy a villa from an old woman after getting off a gay tour bus and then fix it up as a way of coping with their failed marriage.
- Wear culottes, you fool.
- Wear rose prints, you thorn.
Grade: F (Calvin Harris and Taylor Swift steal your baby.)
SHOCKER: KEITH CAUGHT WITH SEXY 21-YEAR-OLD
In Star Shots, there are photos of Channing Tatum taking selfies with fans, Lena Dunham posing with Tracy Anderson, Kevin Bacon competing in an ice cream eating contest with an ill child who doesn’t appear to know who Kevin Bacon is, the cast of Fantastic 4 hanging out with Miles Teller’s girlfriend, Blythe Danner and Gwyneth Paltrow smiling about GMO labeling, Reese Witherspoon walking with her 3-year-old son Tennessee in a state that’s not Tennessee, and Halle Berry taking a garbage can the size of 30 Halle Berrys out to her curb.
OK, time for the big stories. Keith Urban was “caught” with a “sexy 21-year-old singer,” meaning the two were seen exiting his tour bus before a recent show. An eyewitness says “they were in there doing god knows what,” which is a very unhelpful description for an alleged eyewitness to give. The singer’s name is Kelsea Ballerini, and she looks nothing like Nicole Kidman. Moving on, have you heard that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux got married? Because they did. The wedding was “perfect” by the way, which is exactly what Aniston deserves. Demi Moore, on the other hand, is not perfect—and Star has decided to point that out. She “feels like she has no one and nothing going on in her life” and is allegedly “on the verge of a breakdown.” But do you know who does have a lot going on in her life? Christine Ouzounian. She allegedly left her ex-fiancé, Christoph Albury, for Ben Affleck, and now she’s “going around texting and bragging about her new famous status.” Same.
- Caitlyn Jenner has plans to start “a transgender clothing line.”
- ABC may pay Oprah $500 million to come back.
- Abby Lee Miller made a young fan cry after she asked for a picture.
- Reba McEntire may have fallen in love with someone else.
- Shawn may have fallen in love with someone else.
- (I’m talking about Shawn from The Bachelorette.)
- (Not that you care.)
Grade: F (Christine Ouzounian won’t stop texting you about her ‘new famous status.’)
Fig 1. Life & Style
Fig 2. In Touch
Fig 3. In Touch
Contact the author at email@example.com.