This Week In Tabloids: Jennifer Aniston Is Finally Having Her 1,187,366th Baby!
CelebritiesWelcome to Midweek Madness, where, after taking Thanksgiving week off, we head to the new magazine shop filled with mean employees only to discover that—surprise, surprise—they don’t have any of the tabloids out in the morning, which forces us to schlep to another neighborhood in the rain to the reliable magazine store, interact with filled with friendly employees, and read the entire Sandy B interview while on the train to back to the office while getting low-key glared at by someone for openly reading People.
This week, Sandy was interviewed by People, Jen is having her billionth child, Cameron is having her first, and Bennifer 2.0 is back to FKA status.
OK!
CAMERON: ADOPTING A GIRL!
Not to be outdone by Sandy B, who just announced her adoption of a little girl, Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden will soon adopt a little girl of their own! After struggling with fertility issues—Cam’s had two rounds of IVF—they decided, “Fuck this!” and ran off to the adoption agency. But they didn’t make that decision on their own. No, they needed the help of someone else. Someone like Cameron’s sister-in-law, Nicole Richie. A source says Richie was “a big part of the decision to go for it.” “It” being the adoption, but presumably a host of other ‘its’ in their lives, because honestly, if Nicole Richie is on your speed dial, wouldn’t you run everything by her before passing Go?
Miranda Lambert wants Blake Shelton back for some reason. A source says she has “become consumed with what Blake and Gwen are doing” and “feels like they’re rubbing their new love in their face.” OK, Miranda? Number 1: wash your face, because god knows where that “love” has been. Number 2: why the hell would you want Blake Shelton back? I was going to say, “Maybe he’s good in bed!” but how can someone who’s constantly wading through a sea of empty Keystone Light cans possibly be good in bed? Find someone new. Pick one of those country singers with weird names. Like Luke Bryan. Or Jason Aldean. Or Ben Jack. Or Peter Sam. Or Roy Greg. Or Fred Fred. Or Billy Timmy. Or Ken Ray. Or Tim Craig. Or Evan Colby. Or Natty Coors. Or Bud Miller. Those are all the names of country singers, right?
And Also:
- Kourtney Kardashian is so drunk right now.
- January Jones is so drunk right now.
- Rihanna “treats her employees like family.”
- Caitlyn Jenner is asking $100,000 per speaking engagement, which actually doesn’t surprise me?
- Ariana Grande is a demanding diva again. 🙁
- Ben Affleck wants 2 fuk Sienna Miller.
- Jimmy Fallon’s wife doesn’t want 2 fuk Jimmy Fallon anymore.
- I always forget that Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox are really good friends with Tobey Maguire’s wife, Jennifer Meyer. Then I see a photo of them hugging and remember, “Oh yes! Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox are really good friends with Tobey Maguire’s wife, Jennifer Meyer!”
Grade: C- (You date someone named Bud Miller.)
Life & Style
JEN’S ANNOUNCEMENT: I’M HAVING A BABY
Though she’s probably running out of space for all those babies she’s had over the years, there must be room for at least one more in that weird house of theirs, because our girl Jennifer Aniston is having another baby! In an ~exclusive~ report, Life & Style sources say the mother of 1,187,365 is using a surrogate for her 1,187,366th. She and Justin are looking for the “perfect person to carry” their child, and they’ve already got some names in mind. Says a source, “She likes names that are similar to Justin, so she’s either picked Preston, Ethan, or Grayson. She thinks they sound great with Theroux as a last name.” OK. I would like to find this source and send them the most expensive Edible Arrangement, because that’s damn good sourcing. I mean, anyone can make up something about Jennifer Aniston being a mother again, but going the distance with the absolutely bonkers addition of Justin-sounding names? Pulitzer-worthy. You did a great job with this one, source. (Or do you prefer to go by “insider”?) Your work alone has made this issue worthy of an A.
Ooooh, another exclusive! And sort of a big one? So, Corey Gamble’s ex-girlfriend Sheree Buchanan is basically like, “KRIS STAY AWAY FROM HIM!” because he apparently stalked her after they broke up. After they split up in 2010, “she was granted a temporary restraining order against [Corey] under Georgia’s stalking statute.” Court documents claim he “followed her around town, tried to prevent her from leaving her own home, and grabbed her so hard, he bruised her.” Buchanan says Corey “can fly off the handle over anything if he doesn’t get his way,” and thinks he just wants to be a “part of” Kris’s “power and money.” She continued, “[Kris] could have been Betty White and Corey would still have hit on her.”
And Also:
- J. Lo flirted with Diddy in front of Casper Smart and he got so pissed off.
- Anna Duggar might have gotten an STD from Josh.
- Cara Delevingne’s psoriasis treatments cost $800.
- Wait why is an item about Cara Delevingne’s psoriasis treatments in Life & Style.
- Kim and Kanye are starting their own clothing line. Kimzus? Yeezberly? Westian? Dash/West? Hot Garbage?
- Kerry Washington is this close to divorcing Nnamdi Asomugha.
- Whitney Cummings and Chris D’Elia are probably doing it.
- Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg are still alive, married.
Wrong Answer:
Grade: A (You date Betty White.)
Star
DEVASTATED JEN: BETRAYED AGAIN!
First, solid rhyme. Second, aw nuts, I was rooting for them! Third, the name of the women Ben was “caught” with is Abigail Kuklis, which continues his trend of messing with women who have five syllable names (Jennifer Lopez, Jennifer Garner, and Christine Ouzounian before her). So what happened was that Jennifer thought she and Ben had gone from FKA Bennifer 2.0 to Bennifer 2.0, but then she found out he’d been having “romantic rendezvous” with this Kuklis woman—a co-star in Ben Affleck’s upcoming Batman movie about how he and Superman become frenemies or whatever—and now she’s basically like, “We’re back to FKA status!” **sets car on fire** Oh, and Ben’s still addicted to gambling.
OK everyone, take a big sip of water, but don’t swallow it. While holding the water in your mouth, read the following sentence:
Scott Disick and Kendall Jenner are moving in together.
Now spit the water all over your screen.
Now clean it up.
Now keep reading.
Yes. Lord Disick is completely over Kourtney Kardashian, the mother of his three children, and has moved on to Kendall Jenner, the younger half-sister of the mother of his three children. He wants to “prove his worth to Kendall by buying a home,” and was “recently spotted house hunting with Million Dollar Listing Los Angeles star Josh Altman.” Understandably, Kourtney feels “completely betrayed by them both.” Season 12 of KUWTK could be its best yet.
And Also:
- January Jones is still drunk.
- Kourtney Kardashian is still drunk.
- Irinia Shayk and Bradley Cooper may be engaged.
- If they get married, I will lose my mind.
- That will be the best wedding.
- Picture it.
- Scores of A-listers knocking back glass after glass of champagne to keep from saying anything rude.
- OK, back to other celebrities. Here’s a good one to end on:
- Ellen DeGeneres is mad at Portia de Rossi for using horseback riding as an “escape” from their marriage.
Wrong Answer:
Grade: B- (You get drunk with January Jones, which is very fun until she starts pointing out all the flaws you thought no one noticed.)
People
SANDRA BULLOCK’S FAMILY ALBUM: MEET MY LITTLE GIRL
OK, folks, we’re gonna spend this entire issue on one thing: the interview with Sandra Bullock about her new daughter.
It’s a complete delight and made me tear up more than once because I’m walking sap.
On meeting Laila for the first time:
“I knew she was scared, and all I wanted was for her to know Louis and I weren’t going anywhere. Something I learned in Louis’s preschool was the saying ‘mamas always come back.’ And this was what I kept saying to her. It requires sleeping on the floor next to her bed and holding her hand so she can go to sleep…I had to talk her through all of the steps of where I am going and assure her I wasn’t leaving her. That’s what you do.”
On Louis’s decision:
“I remember sitting Louis down, and he actually took a knee like a football player. What I wanted to know was, ‘Is this the right match?’ He said, ‘I think so.’ And I asked why, and he just said, ‘Because she’s my sister.’ And they went out and played T-ball and I was just sobbing.”
On Laila’s favorite singer:
“Last night she asked me if ‘Bwoono Maws’ ‘always comes back.’ I told her he would after he’s done with his tour. Just not to our house. There is now a selection of Bwoono Maws photos printed throughout the house.”
On teaching them about the realities of life:
“I can’t protect them against ignorance and hate. I have learned that what I can do is show them history, show them extraordinary accomplishments by people who changed the course of history, in our past and in the present, and raise kind, strong, open-minded children who will hopefully know how to navigate the world that is waiting for them.”
On her mother:
“Before my mom passed away, we had a moment at her bedside where I was shut down and trying not to cry, and she simply said, ‘Don’t be like me.’ In that moment a lot of our lifetime together had been explained. She didn’t want me to go through life shut down, afraid of feeling. Well, life has made sure I feel everything now, and I’m not ashamed of it anymore.”
And Also:
- JK, Kourtney and Scott are gonna be just fine.
- Stephanie March is “moving on” from Bobby Flay, and is gonna be just fine.
- Anne Hathaway is pregnant, and is gonna be just fine.
- Rainn Wilson is a nice guy, and is gonna be just fine.
- Isabella Rosselinni: just fine.
- Michael Buble: just fine.
- Michael B. Jordan: fine.
- Princess Charlotte: fine.
- People is so boring! I love it.
Wrong Answer:
Grade: A+ (You’re featured in People.)
Appendix:
Fig 1. – Life & Style
Fig 2. – OK
Contact the author at [email protected].