Image: Graphic: Elena Scotti/GMG; Image: J-14, Teen Boss, Woman’s World

M… is for the way you… look at me…

I… is for the way you… look at me…

D!… is for the… way you… look at me!

W… is for the way you look… at me…

E… is for etc. it’s Midweek Madness! Time for yon ‘bloids!


Teen Boss

New Yorker staff writer slash friend of the podcast Jia Tolentino wrote about Teen Boss earlier this year, calling the mag “a tribute to precocious hustle and also to the life-changing magic of already being rich.” The September issue I picked up is… very much that!

How did a pair of teen sisters launch their reportedly half-million-dollar online retailer? By having their mom, who used to work in retail, buy them a pre-existing retail site, fund their early endeavors, and hire “a group of very talented adults” to keep the site running while they’re in school. (Sounds like your mom’s site, but OK!!) How did another group of sisters launch their line of beeswax skincare and beauty products? By getting a $200 loan from their parents, who happen to be beekeepers and therefore have bees. A list of “8 Ways to Fund Your Next Business Venture” includes deeply unhelpful advice for the average kid, like “Have an angel investor” and “Get a loan from the bank.”

This faux naiveté about the nature of success extends to Teen Boss’ coverage of adult bosses like Dylan Lauren, daughter of fashion designer Ralph Lauren and owner of boutique confectionary chain Dylan’s Candy Bar. What’s the secret to Dylan’s success? She dressed up denim! What’s that quote about socialism never happening here because Americans view themselves as “temporarily embarrassed millionaires”? That, but teens being taught to think of themselves as “temporarily embarrassed CEOs.” I hate it! Or at least I hated it until I took a quiz that told me I’d be a good CEO because I’d be an amazing leader. Now I love it!

Advertisement


J-14

Advertisement

Mine own favorite teendredge mâgrezène gave us a very special issue full of very serious stuff. Joshua Rush, who plays Cyrus on Disney Channel’s Andi Mack—the network’s first-ever openly gay character, though J-14 euphemistically describes Cyrus as “different”—talks about bullying, Sierra Burgess is a Loser star Shannon Purser opens up about anxiety and depression, Lili Reinhart of Riverdale fame discusses her experiences with body dysmorphia, and Dance Moms star-turned-YouTuber Jojo Siwa trusts no bitch. (“I have to be careful about who my friends are!” reads one pull quote. “I don’t want fake friends!” reads another.) Speaking of Jojo, I counted a total of 13 different Jojo photos in the pages of this week’s issue. Does that mean I’m gonna die in seven days? T! B! D!

Elsewhere, Brooklyn and Bailey share 16 tips to “slay the new school year.” Who are Brooklyn and Bailey? Well, a tab on the top left-hand corner says “Stars Tell All,” so…………… stars. They’re stars. The hottest guys in Hollywood are Caden Conrique, Dallas Hart, Zach Clayton, Austin Porter, and JC Caylen. Sky Katz wore it best. Shawn Mendes’s favorite perfume for a girl—for a girl!!!!— is Twilight Woods, which, according to Google, comes to us from the Bath & Body Works signature collection. Is this an ad? I’d be impressed if it were, honestly.

Hmmmmmm, what else. We can “definitely” expect a different sound from Johnny Orlando’s new EP. Who’s Johnny Orlando? Why he’s the hottest guy in entertainment, according to a J-14 reader poll. (Not to be confused with the hottest guys in Hollywood, which is different.) And when asked if teens would be able to relate to his new movie, KJ Apa told J-14 that yes, teens would be able to relate to his new movie. What a relief. Who is KJ Apa.

Advertisement


Woman’s World

Advertisement

Too many teens! Need more woman! Woman’s World is a magazine for women of the world and the world in which we mon, covering everything or at least some of the things we care about like dieting, skincare, recipes, weight loss, aging, losing weight, hosting, and stuffed shells. Reba McEntire talks about how to get over heartache and find joy. Bob Vila shares tips on making your yard “fall-fabulous.” Angel expert Kyle Gray weighs in on reader-submitted experiences with the divine. My girls! There’s a bunch of recipes (the aforementioned stuffed shells, herbed pork chops, caprese skewers, crispy fish sliders) and also some short fiction at the the end about two former lovers running into each other at the supermarket. Fuck your approval matrix! All magazines should end this way!


People

Advertisement

Jane Fonda’s always fascinating, even when the literal press itself isn’t. In the covergirl’s accompanying interview, Fonda talks about how she she feels she was “defined by the men in her life” until her 60s, but now, at 80, she finally feels like “who I was supposed to be all along.” Elsewhere in the Q&A she discusses her experiences with bulimia, her marriages to Tom Hayden and Ted Turner, her history of activism, what she regrets, and her secrets to ageless beauty. (Be rich! Buy youth!) We’ve also got Julia Louis-Dreyfus on how she’s “delighted to focus on funny things” again after months of cancer treatment, Carrie Underwood on her experiences with pregnancy and miscarriage, Mariska Hargitay on the last time she cried (yesterday morning), and—Penn Badgely did voiceover work for Mario Golf 64 and Mario Tennis 64 what the fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!


Us Weekly

Advertisement

Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens. Gucci Mane wore it better than Sufjan Stevens.


Stray thoughts: …No teen said this.

Advertisement

This is me.

This is also me.

Advertisement

Who are you?

Good for Elaine.

Advertisement

Hand me my chewing knife.

That…… is exactly how it works.

Advertisement

I bet you fucking will!!!!

Barbie is trans conFIRMED.

Advertisement

Reba was, is, and always will be a hottie.

Miss J! And friend.

Advertisement

It sure is.