This Week In Tabloids: Housewives Finale Spoilers; Heidi & Spencer's Fake Breakup
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I nibble hot, delicious gossip served up by In Touch, Star, Us, Ok! and Life & Style. This week: The Housewives are feuding; Sandy’s adopting and Heidi and Spencer are faking.
Ok!
“Wedding & Baby For Kim!”
Even though we have seen paparazzi pix of Reggie Bush out shopping with his new girlfriend, this cover claims “All of Kim’s dreams are finally coming true.” Apparently Kris Jenner called Reggie and “in a moving plea,” asked him to spend more time with Kim. Kim’s nephew Mason makes her want to have a baby and Khloe’s wedding makes her want to have a wedding. So dumb, and we’re not buying it. Moving on: Angelina Jolie’s birthday on Friday will be “low-key.” Brad plans on getting her a massage. Shiloh’s recent party had an international pirate theme — kids dressed in costumes as pirates from different countries for the “It’s A Small World” vibe. Who got to be the Somali pirate? Next: Jennifer Aniston will be topless in a comedy flick called Horrible Bosses. Colin Farrell will also appear shirtless in the film, by the by. Next: One of the only interesting things in this mag is the mystery of Maureen McCormick’s bathing suit. The caption claims that she is wearing the same suit she wore when she was on the Brady Bunch, but then, another caption claims the bikini is made by Shoshonna and available at Saks.com. WTF? (See image 7). Of note: Kim Kardashian is now Ok!‘s contributing beauty editor. Not that she writes her own copy. And Bethenney Frankel has a column — and does seem to write her own copy! Lastly, here’s what Jewel ate today: Breakfast was Greek yogurt blended with cottage cheese, berries and ginger. For lunch, she had grilled salmon sent from her family Alaska; snacks were almonds and string cheese, and for dinner she had a turkey burger with no bun and Brussels sprouts.
Grade: F (cold gravy)
Life & Style
“Kourtney & Scott SPLIT”
This story is a recap of footage “obtained by Life & Style” from the upcoming season of Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami. In other words: An ad! We suspect that E! made some kind of deal with this mag, since they cover E! celebs like Kendra and the Kardashians so heavily. Anyway, Scott Disick was seen smashing bottles, punching walls and throwing back drinks in this footage, and then Kourtney slams the door and hides in the bedroom. According to this dramatic transcript: “Once the broken glass is cleared, and the blood-spattered floor is mopped up — and Scott’s been rushed to the hospital to repair his mangled hand — Kourtney breaks down.” There’s everything here but “Tune in at 9!” In a sidebar, Kris Jenner voices her fear that Kourtney will end up like her friend Nicole Brown Simpson. Classy! Moving on: Tom and Katie are “ready” for baby number 2, and have been for a while, if you believed this story the first four times you heard it. BREAKING: Suri Cruise has an iPad!!! (see image 8) Lastly: Lady Gaga is single again; she broke up with Matthew Williams.
Grade: F (cold french fries )
In Touch
“Baby No. 2 On The Way!”
So… Sandra Bullock doesn’t actually have a baby on the way, but she’s telling friends that she has plans to adopt again. Her adoption agency has already approved her, and she is just “waiting for the call.” She’s willing to consider babies from all ethnic backgrounds, according to a source, and has spoken to adoption agencies in Haiti and Nigeria. There are lots of contradictory elements to this tale, like “She wants to give Louis a baby sister” but “She would be happy with a boy or a girl.” Next: Kevin McHale, aka Artie from Glee, used to be in a boy band! (see image 9) Jillian Michaels was bullied for being fat when she was a teenager and says: “I was the loser at my school. I had pictures of me with my horse in my locker, and kids would make whinnying and mooing sounds at me in the hallways. It tore me to pieces.” Unsolicited Uterus Update: Khloe Kardashian is pregnant. Not shocking when you consider this quote from a source: “Khloe and Lamar don’t use any birth control, and they’re very sexual.” We especially like the coverline “Telltale Bump,” because it invokes a creepy Edgar Allan Poe story involving floorboards. Ryan Phillippe “can’t stop partying,” and inexplicably left a club with a roll of toilet paper (see image 10). By the way, notice on the cover, next to Kate Hudson, the copy reads, “How I Got These Abs”? On page 69, there’s a little column featuring an interview with Ashley Conrad, Kate’s trainer. Not a first-person confessional. Just so you know. Palate cleanser! Two words: “Poodle parade!” (see image 11). Lastly, everyone’s favorite spread in which celebrity spawn are pitted against each other in some kind of made-up competition: “Which Cute Kid Wore It Better?” (see image 12)
Grade: D- (cold steak)