Welcome to Midweek Madness, Jezebel’s weekly tabloid roundup where Chip and Joanna are great, Chris and Dakotah are great, Gwyneth and Brad are great, everyone’s great. Especially me! Mrs. Fine.


People

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Newlywed royals, they’re just like us! Wait, wrong magazine, but correct assessment. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have decided to stop living with their grandma like a NERD and move into a five-bedroom “fixer-upper” of their own. It’s called Frogmore Cottage, which I’m gonna Mad magazine fold-in into Frottage. Frottage is on the Windsor Estate, and Wallis Simpson is buried nearby. Enjoy your nazi ghosts, ya thigh-fucking freaks!!

Kim Kardashian says she was rolling when she got married to first husband Damon Thomas and that she was rolling when she made that sex tape with Ray J. Paris Hilton and Chris Zylka broke up, Robert De Niro and Grace Hightower have decided to separate, Shawn Mendes is not!! gay!!!!!!, and Teddy Geiger got engaged to Emily Hampshire. Rita Ora’s gonna be in the new Pokémon movie? There’s a new Pokémon movie? She talks about her new album that just came out and how it feels to release new music for the first time in six years—totally omitting the whole scrapped sophomore album that her now-ex Calvin Harris produced then refused to let her release after they broke up or whatever. Revisionist history queen!

Chris Martin and Dakotah Johnson are fine! They even spent Thanksgiving with Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk. See? Fine!! Danny Roberts, a.k.a., the gay guy from The Real World’s iconic New Orleans season with the blurred-face army boyfriend, disclosed that he’s been living with HIV since 2011. Elizabeth Smart had a baby, and Rachel Weisz had a baby like two months ago. Michael Bublé’s son was diagnosed with liver cancer? A couple of years ago, apparently. The singer says he’s in remission, thank god.

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Mandy Moore married someone she met on Instagram, which is insane! The only man I’ve ever met through Instagram wouldn’t even let me spend the night. He sent me home from Murray Hill to Bed Stuy in an Uber Pool. An Uber Pool!!!! Keala Settle says she suffered a ministroke a couple of days before she performed “This Is Me” at the Oscars, and let the record show that Ronnie Spector will NOT have a slice of cake (“I don’t want to ruin my lipstick”) but she WILL wear her sunglasses indoors.


Us Weekly

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Judith Light did NOT wear it better, WHICH is a CRIME. One of the Property Brothers is dating Jacinta Kuznetsov. But which one? Who’s she? And who cares??

Viola Davis says she deals with mom guilt by “forgiv[ing] myself daily” and that she hopes to teach her daughter that “you’ve got to have something else going on” besides just being pretty. Jennifer Aniston says she was drawn to her momager character in Netflix’s Dumplin’ because it reminded her of her fraught relationship with her mother, Nancy Dow. “She was very critical of me,” said Aniston. “It takes a lot of therapy, but you absolutely do get over it.”

Everything’s fine with Chip and Joanna Gaines, as per usual. Right as rain! Good as glass! Meanwhile, chez Olivia Culpo, our girl reveals that she fuckin’ loves cosmos. “I really enjoy playing a caricature,” says Tyra Banks, surprising no one. She also confirmed that there are some shoutouts to Life Size co-star Lindsay Lohan in the TV movie’s upcoming sequel. And to close out this portion of Midweek Madness, I leave you with this incredible anecdote from Kelly Rowland:

One time, Taylor Swift walked past me [at an award show], and I’d had a shot of whiskey, and I said, “Oh my god, you’re tall as fuck!”

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AHHHHHHHHHH this is almost as good as the time Riff Raff told Sam Smith his face was “super huge.”


J-14

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The cutest boys in Hollywood are Johnny Orlando, Brandon Arreaga, Richard Camacho, Michael Campion, Gabriel Patalinghug, and Corbyn Besson. I don’t know who any of these people are. Please update your rankings accordingly. The January issue of J-14 also gives us an invesitgation in stan culture and how to stan safely. “There’s nothing wrong with stanning,” says the mag, “but never do it at the cost of your own integrity. Consider whether your behavior would make you worthy of being stanned by others.” Stanning with integrity, huh? How does that square with the Jacob Sartorius signed air freshener giveaway only a couple dozen pages later?

Elsewhere, we’ve got Joe Alwyn talking about not talking about his relationship with Taylor Swift, Ansel Elgort revealing that he’s “obsessed” with BTS, and Jake Paul saying that he’s NOT mad at Shane Dawson unlike ME who is mad at BOTH of them. Beauty isn’t everything, says Camila Cabello. “It’s just hair and paint.” I love this???? Wonho says Hyungwon is the messiest member of Monsta X, while Hyungwon says “I don’t think anyone is messy.” I…………think I know who the messy one is.


Stray thoughts: Noah Centineo, explain your shorts immediately.

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Kiernan Shipka:

me:

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Has it really been 42 years?

Me when I say “No!” to a plastic straw in my iced coffee, which I bought at a gentrifying neighborhood’s super expensive new coffee shop.

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Me when I’m lying to others about being depressed.

Me when I’m lying to myself about being depressed.

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Me when girl it is time for a trim.

This is pornography.

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I………will do no such thing.